The Golden Globes is the notorious kickoff to Hollywood’s “awards season” during which rich people gather in large well-appointed rooms to drink expensive champagne and give each other tokens of their undying admiration, which they will all discuss at cocktail parties you’ll never be invited to. And as Americans, we like it that way, especially when, as at the Golden Globes, those same people are encouraged to drink heavily during the broadcast.
This year’s Globes began, as they often do, with a river of sludge winding its way slowly down a plush red carpet into the Beverly Hilton. That was, of course, cleaned up quickly, and a separate river of sludge was able to, once again, continue unimpeded into the hotel’s ballroom, as E! Online rolled B-roll footage and regaled the early audience with “fun facts” about the celebrities they were seeing, like that one time that Michael J. Fox was hilariously diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease.
The stars stopped at various news outlets to answer hard-hitting questions about their attire and their preparation routine, answers that settled once and for all the question of whether the United States’ bronzer production has once again reached pre-recession levels. In short, 12 Years a Slave’s Lupita Nyong’o knocked it out of the park with a sleek Ralph Lauren red shift and cape that set off her skin tone, Zoe Saldana rolled into the event from a craft fair rejection bin, Lena Dunham refused to hide her tattoos and her distaste for personal hygiene, Amy Adams spent so much time in hair and makeup for American Hustle that she chose not to do either, Jennifer Lawrence proved that she could look great wearing a bed-sheet because she did, and Matt Lauer wore his sunglasses and refused to shave, raising the question of why celebrities aren’t allowed to punch Matt Lauer for good luck.
Once inside, the guests were served a variety of cold, vegan appetizers and bread, while they sipped on bubbly and prepared their “disappointed” faces for the camera. Fortunately, this year, Amy Poehler and Tina Fey were allowed to repeat as hosts, and made genius use of the camera’s “cut-away” function. Poehler effortlessly glided through a list of nominees’ complicated names before labeling Tom Hanks, “Tam Honks,” and Tina Fey suggested that George Clooney committed space-faring suicide in Gravity lest he be forced to spend time with someone who wasn’t a supermodel.
The first award of the night was given to Jacqueline Bisset for her role in Starz’s Dancing on the Edge, or, perhaps, her sheer courage in waiting 47 years to be honored by the Hollywood Foreign Press. She gave a bizarre speech, telling the audience to “go to hell and don’t come back,” producing the night’s first four-letter word that defeated the seven-second delay like it was a starlet’s boob tape, and wandering off the stage, presumably, back into the arms of competent health care professionals.
That was quickly followed by an award for Best Original Score that went to someone apparently affiliated with Diddy, which meant that Diddy had to accept the award, which meant that Diddy had to pretend to relate to people who don’t summer in St. Barth’s, and which meant that Diddy was required to hug U2’s Bono, who was less than thrilled with the prospect and awkwardly declined.
Following that, there was what appeared to be a clean sweep of awards for Breaking Bad, which picked up Best Actor in a TV Drama (Bryan Cranston) and Best TV Drama, HBO’s Liberace biopic Behind the Candelabra, which picked up Best Miniseries and Best Actor in a Miniseries (Michael Douglas), and American Hustle, which picked up Best Supporting Actress (Jennifer Lawrence), Best Actress (Amy Adams) and Best Picture (Comedy). Jared Leto, who made my high school experience just that much better with his role in My So-Called Life, finally got some recognition, earning Best Supporting Actor for his role as a drug-addicted transgendered woman in Dallas Buyers Club, and Matthew McConaughey, who also received recognition for his role in Dallas Buyers Club, proved to America that he has, indeed, never shaken off his role in Dazed and Confused, no matter what anyone says. Spike Jonze took home the award for Best Screenplay, which is a first for someone who made his name directing the Beastie Boys in 1970s cop outfits, and Amy Poehler took Best Actress in a TV Show, Comedy for her role as the ambitious local politico Leslie Knope in Parks & Recreation, and celebrated it the way that any of us would, by totally making out with Bono.
The whole thing wrapped up with an awkward tribute to Woody Allen, who, despite the better judgment of every American who does not live in Hollywood, and despite making the same film around 100 times since 1970, earned the Cecil B. DeMille award for lifetime achievement in film. Diane Keaton, who famously played Annie Hall in the film of the same name, danced around on stage for five minutes, presumably accepting Allen’s award for him, let off a tirade of profanity, and sang a nursery rhyme, which, in a bizarre and unexpectedly ironic way, was probably the perfect tribute to Woody Allen.
By then, I’d given up on watching, which is good, because most of the people in attendance had given up on watching as well.