A rogue agency has provided this writer with a transcript of a recent meeting in the Oval Office between President “I Won” Obama, and his top brain trust, namely that elusive pimpernel, Senior Advisor Pfeiffernut Whiplash, and the Senior Advisor known as the Valkyrie. In this meeting they reminded their boss that the issue was not about shutting down the government, but shutting down the Old History.
POTUS: You tell me that we have to wipe out the Old History before we can impose the New History.
WHIPLASH: That’s right. We block access to their treasured memories, and in a couple of weeks they won’t remember any of it. Take, as a practical matter, the need to close down George Washington’s home, Mount Vernon. Of course, it is privately owned by the Mount Vernon Ladies Association. But that doesn’t matter because the road and the parking lots around it are on National Park Service property. We blocked the parking lots and it is almost impossible to get to the gate. If things get dicey, we’ll send over a SWAT term and a couple of armored MRAP vehicles just so the citizens get the message. It’s a shame Mount Vernon masquerades as private property, when it really ought to belong to the People.
POTUS: It’s the right thing to do. If this Washington dude was successful, he didn’t build it on his own. There were lots of people along his life journey who helped him. Only the government can bring this property to the highest and best use. For example, we could put my Presidential library there. By the way, do we know who this Washington was?
WHIPLASH: Mr. President, are you saying you don’t know anything about George Washington? Why every schoolboy knows about Washington.
POTUS: Look, I went to grade school in Indonesia. I don’t recall that he was ever mentioned.
WHIPLASH: Don’t worry about it. I ordered a background report on him from the Attorney General. Holder says that there are two key points. No. 1, Washington was a slaveholder, and No. 2, he was the biggest whiskey maker in the country.
POTUS: In that case, get ATF to check out whether he paid all his alcohol taxes. If he didn’t, the penalties and interest for 225 years or more could be so huge that they would have to sign the property over to us — I mean, to the People.
WHIPLASH: But there’s even more. Holder says Washington was a known to be a supporter of the U.S. Constitution.
POTUS: One of those types, eh? That’s pretty suspicious. Better ask Homeland Security if he is on the terrorist list.
WHIPLASH: It wouldn’t surprise me one bit. This report says he openly was called a Patriot. And here’s something else. Holder has evidence Washington called upon all able-bodied men to bring out their guns and fight to overthrow the government.
POTUS: Great! Those actions are clearly felonies. This Washington can be our poster child for gun control. I’d say it sounds like a Title 21 paragraph 853 criminal forfeiture. Any property involved in criminal activity, like this one you call Mount Vernon, can be confiscated! Tell Holder to get on it now. What’s the next item?
THE VALKYRIE: We were able to close down the Lincoln Memorial for the first time since it was built.
POTUS: The Lincoln Memorial? Why Lincoln is my favorite President!
THE VALKYRIE: Don’t forget that Lincoln was a Republican.
POTUS: In that case, put out a press release saying that the Republicans are so extreme they are closing down their own Republican icon. What else have you shut down?
THE VALKYRIE: We closed down the Martin Luther King Memorial.
POTUS: That doesn’t look so good for my base. How can we explain that?
THE VALKYRIE: Don’t forget that Martin Luther King was a Republican too.
POTUS: What, is that possible?
THE VALKYRIE: He lived in the South. Do you think he was supporting the party of Lester Maddox, George Wallace and Bull Connor?
WHIPLASH: We still have a lot of bad publicity problems, though, because we also closed the World War II Memorial. Two busloads of 90-year-old WWII veterans stormed the barricades the other day. More of the old vets are coming.
POTUS: We don’t need to pay any attention to those old vets at all. Those guys were all defenders of white privilege. That’s what WWII was all about. My professors of Critical Race Theory at Harvard Law School certainly opened my eyes on that. When the next contingent of these veterans shows up, send them away for psychiatric evaluation and rehabilitation. And if other vets show up, get out the swat teams as well as the mounted police. Now I want to hear about the situation with Mount Rushmore.
THE VALKYRIE: There’s a lot of civil disobedience going on there. Even though the scenic pullouts have been closed, a lot a tourists are deliberately gazing across Federal property to look at the monument. We think that kind of gazing is illegal.
POTUS: What really concerns me is the status of the project to carve my likeness into the mountain next to those other presidents. This is my Number One project. This is all about my legacy. Yet I don’t hear of any progress.
THE VALKYRIE: It’s more complicated than it looks. We don’t have any Congressional authorization for it. Besides we can’t afford it until Congress raises the debt ceiling.
POTUS: What do you mean “congressional authorization”? La Loi, C’est Moi! Just call it “maintenance” and move ahead. But don’t say anything until after the debt ceiling is raised. In fact, this is the best reason for raising the debt ceiling.
WHIPLASH: Well, at least we were able to shut down Florida Bay. From the mainland to the Keys, we’ve put 1,100 square miles of open sea off limits. That means absolutely no fishing, including recreational fishing. Just to make sure, we’ve got the Coast Guard installing an array of Helmholz coils to pulsate the depths with EMF waves and drive out the fish. The fish have no right to be in the embargoed area.
POTUS: At last, the rise of the oceans begins to slow, and the planet begins to heal.
WHIPLASH: Wait, Mr. President. I’ve just been handed a note! The vets are back, and they’ve taken bolt cutters and wire cutters to dismantle the barricades at the World War II Memorial. They’ve taken the barricades down, and they are carrying them to the White House, one by one. They’re piling them up against the White House Gate right now. We’re barricaded inside! They’re doing the same thing at the Lincoln Memorial. They are throwing the barricades into the Reflecting Pool. It looks like all the monuments are open now! Ordinary American citizens are walking freely around them as though they owned them.
POTUS: This has got to stop! Don’t they know who they are?
WHIPLASH: Here’s more breaking news! After the New England Patriots smashed the Saints 30-27, a rowdy crowd of Patriots left Gillette Stadium and came down to Boston Harbor. They launched a rubber dinghy, and boarded a British ship anchored in the Harbor. I am shocked to say it was very politically incorrect. They were wearing feathered headdresses and war paint, mocking our Native American customs. They weren’t even Redskins! They seized the ship, and have been dumping bales of tea overboard all night.
Here the transcript breaks off. Reports say that POTUS slumped over his desk on hearing the Boston Harbor events, and his eyes rolled upward. The Valkyrie took swift action. She called for a helicopter and White House medics carried POTUS out. Quickly arriving at Andrews Air Force Base in nearby Maryland, he was taken on a stretcher to the first tee of Andrews’ West Course. Fortunately the course had not been closed during the shutdown. His eyes blinked. He sat up. He realized that he was on sacred ground, and asked for his clubs.