“Obama lied, policies died,” a commenter named “I liked my old plan” wrote at WSJ.com, without divulging whether he’ll be allowed to keep that name. He was reacting to a story about Mr. Obama’s Wednesday mission to Boston, at which the president explained why he had to lie repeatedly for the good of countless policy holders who today, lucky neutered dogs, have joined the ranks of the uninsured. “One of the things health reform was designed to do was to help not only the uninsured,” he said, very much in all seriousness, “but also the underinsured.” That is to say, holders of policies that did not provide “a core set of minimum benefits,” such as birth control coverage for first-time grandparents, mental health care for those having to listen to him in Faneuil Hall, or allergy treatments for peanut lovers and perfume sniffers. If we’ve neglected anyone, you won’t turn us in, will you?
Fortunately, there is a way out for those whom our president has liberated from those embarrassingly flawed, “bad-apple” schemes. “So if you’re getting one of these letters,” he said in that “better put some ice on it” way he has with people of all ethnicities, “just shop around in the new marketplace.” Only he could make it sound like the marketplace he shopped around in during his Choom Gang binges.
That was before the NSA got its act up to speed. Has it ever been making up for lost time. At last report it’s been breaking into Yahoo! and Google servers, perhaps the President’s cell phone, and maybe even more blasphemously, the Vatican’s communications, which certainly does put the power of prayer in a new light while raising unprecedented concern over unthinkable violations of church-state separation. If Mr. Obama were the deity most everyone assumed he was, or simply a merely mortal St. Barack, as a few agnostic have contended, would he really settle for claiming to have been ignorant of the NSA’s devilish work? To solve this mystery, we’ll need to know more about his spiritual advisers.
Who might be his Sidney Blumenthal, say, the selfless servitor who bucked up both Clintons during the worst days of their co-presidency, all eight years of them? The cheesy Blumenthaler’s name came to mind, thanks to the rhetorical genius of that lefty of lefties, one Eric Alterman, who interrupted his strummings on behalf of Bruce Springsteen to insist on a correction regarding the degree of his closeness to said Sid. Reported the Washington Free Beacon: “Alterman emailed to note that he and Sidney Blumenthal are not friends but that they have friendly relations.” So he did have friendly relations with that man, Mr. Blumenthal. Too much information, as Best of the Web Today, to whom we tip our hat, would put it.
But we did not receive enough information from this week’s Lois Lerner, Herr Dr. Marilyn Tavenner, who testified before the House Energy Committee on the bangup job she’s been doing on the Obamacare launch. Marilyn is the Administrator of the Centers for Medicare and Medicaid Services, which some might understandably confuse with the Centers for Political Disease Control. But after the many mean things HHS Secretary Sebelius attempted to do to her in her own testimony a day later, we’ve had to cancel Nurse Tavenner’s policy with Enemy Central Group, even as we recertified Gov. Sebelius’s lifetime eligibility. To be sure, the HHS commissar was working at a disadvantage, having to testify so close to Halloween itself when her resemblance to another femme distinguée would have proved uncanny.
Lost in all the Obamacare fright was the wondrous sorcerer who brought it all to light, Sen. Ted Cruz. As best as we could determine, he had only one goblin on his case, and, to be frank, the gnome came up lame. That’s what happens when you write for the New Yorker as a lowly movie critic and double dip as a political hit-mouse. So in the end, our bad guy could say nothing about the senator’s arguments; instead, he played racist and lookist, attacking Cruz for having lips that narrow and almost disappear “into his face,” “large ears,” “a straight nose with a fleshy tip,” “straight black hair slicked back from his forehead like flattened licorice,” “thin lips” — but weren’t they just “narrow” a second before? Go ahead and read the rest if you want. But we already have our EOW in hand, signed, sealed, and delivered, a once promising David Denby still in recovery from the many humiliations he confessed to undergoing more than a decade ago. For God’s sake, man, if you need help don’t take it out on another human being. Just call the healthcare hotline at 1-800-318-2596. President Obama will be expecting your call. The NSA too, for quality monitoring purposes.