July evanesces, and so does the Prophet Obama. Toward the end of the month he auspicated a lecture tour on the economy and, of a sudden, began denouncing the Republicans for confecting “phony scandals.” What does that have to do with the economy? He meant Benghazi, the IRS harassment of conservative groups, and the NSA fiasco, possibly the largest betrayal of American intelligence in history. It was an odd way to begin a talk on economics, but then his is an odd economy, the weakest recovery in American history, and he takes pride in it! He spoke in defense of the middle class, whom he is hitting with the most onerous medical care bills ever, and the lower class, at whose level he insists that everyone must live. Then he prepared to summer at Martha’s Vineyard, though Martha will be nowhere in sight. Possibly she has gone to the more affordable confines of Detroit and taken the vineyard with her. In that once-great metropolis, city officials have filed for bankruptcy. There the Democrats have, in their half-century of dominance, wrung up $18 billion in debt; and back in Washington the Prophet has plans for even more debt… and more taxes. Our 44th President is the worst president in American history, possibly in Latin American history.
It has been an exciting month in electoral politics. In Sand Springs, Oklahoma, Mr. Kenneth Enslow, 52, was arrested at a women’s comfort station after a mother, taking her 7-year-old daughter to the loo to relieve herself, peered down into the outdoor septic and saw Mr. Enslow, obviously a local character, looking up at her expectantly. Unfortunately for Mr. Enslow, she was not amused and called the local constabulary. Officers booked Mr. Enslow as a peeping Tom once members of the Keystone Fire Department, properly attired in emergency gear, hosed off his coating of human excrement after having a good laugh. “He went in there, climbed down in the septic and was looking up at the people utilizing that facility,” explained a hysterical spokesman for the Tulsa County Sherriff’s department. Mr. Enslow could not be reached for comment, and officials at the local Democratic Party headquarters have remained mum. Not so in New York City, where the leading mayoral candidate, Mr. Christine Quinn, speaking on behalf of herself and her wife Kim, quipped, “Isn’t it odd that Kim and I are the normal ones in this race?” She was alluding to the Autumn Democratic primaries in which two winsome sex offenders are leading candidates. They are Mr. Eliot Spritzer, a candidate for city comptroller, who stepped down from the governorship in 2008 after federal wiretaps found him paying tens of thousands of dollars to the Emperors Club VIP for $1,000-an-hour liaisons with ladies of the night, most notably Miss Ashley Alexandra Dupré whom he rather touchingly fell in love with, and former Congressman Mr. Anthony Weiner (pronounced WEE’-ner).
Mr. Weiner resigned from Congress in 2011, after pictures of his erect penis were reportedly seen on the Internet by millions of people, including bird watchers. The moron sent them to women he did not know. This summer he became a frontrunner for the Democratic nomination for mayor after a public act of contrition, but before July had expired he was again found to have sent pictures of his best friend to unsuspecting women after having “a rough time” in his marriage. Still he remains very popular with progressive women and freethinkers in general, who, if they can, might elect his penis mayor of New York. One of his correspondents, a high-spirited cutie from Indiana allegedly named Miss Sydney Leathers, 23, was as we go to print heading back to the Big Apple for a photo shoot in front of his Park Avenue South apartment and an audition for a pornographic extravaganza with the porn colossus, Vivid Entertainment, according to the authoritative New York Post. She is even going to introduce herself to the candidate in the flesh at one of his campaign stops, and if it is any help to Anthony, she is the fat one. Said an ebullient Miss Leathers, “I’m keeping my options open.”
Mr. Weiner’s wife, Huma Abedin, is standing by her man, and why not? She has served grimly as what the press calls a “Butt Girl” for Mrs. Hillary Rodham Clinton, though by month’s end Mrs. Clinton was suffering her own reprise of the Clinton years. An unidentified source revealed to the National Enquirer a lewd tape of Miss Monica Lewinsky propositioning our 42nd President with promises of untold libidinous delights, including “those new Zinc throat lozenges which are rumored to be great.” Then the Enquirer reported ominously an unnamed source saying, “The Clintons thought this sex tape was dead and buried. If this tape and other material are surfacing now, imagine what else must be out there.” To what might he be referring?
Turn to page 70 of my own invaluable contribution to presidential history, The Clinton Crack-Up: The Boy President’s Life After the White House. There readers will see that, though the mainstream press ignored the revelation, I reported President Clinton had telephone sex on unsecured White House lines. I quote The Starr Report which states that Lewinsky “spoke on the telephone with the President approximately 50 times, often after 10:00 p.m. and some times well after midnight.” It gets worse: “On 10 or 15 occasions, she and the President had phone sex,” described in the Report as occurring, “when one or both parties masturbate while one or both parties talk in a sexually explicit manner….” Imagine the leader of the free world engaged in “phone sex” at 10 p.m. I conclude by speculating which foreign intelligence agencies have those tapes: France, Israel, or maybe Russia? Finally there is one more Democratic sex maniac. He is San Diego Mayor Bob Filner, who is refusing to give up his office despite sexual harassment charges from as many as eight women, one of whom he enticed with that familiar bit of foreplay, the common headlock. In international news French judges have ordered the suave Mr. Dominique Strauss-Kahn, the drop-dead beautiful former chief of the International Monetary Fund, to stand trial on charges of “aggravated procurement in a group,” or pimping. C’est la vie!
In more serious news Mr. George Zimmerman was acquitted in the death of Mr. Trayvon Martin, provoking the Rev. Jesse Jackson and the very Rev. Al Sharpton to call for nationwide demonstrations, which by the end of July seemed to have fizzled. Mr. Edward Snowden, by the end much in need of a bath, managed to escape the transit lounge at Moscow’s international airport. Egypt’s interim government was sworn in amid the military’s target practice against the Muslim Brotherhood, and in Britain the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge announced to a rejoicing nation that their first-born was a boy, and third in line for the throne, eight pound, six ounce George Alexander Louis. Finally, on a sad note, Mr. Richard M. Larry, 77, passed away on July 6. He was a former director of Grove City College and past president of the Sarah Scaife Foundation where he was among the stalwarts of the conservative movement. He will be missed.