August is no more, and apparently so is the medal held by our risible 2009 Nobel laureate. President Barack H. Obama, the winner of that year’s prize for peace, has become a fierce proponent of the Tyrrell Doctrine, much to the surprise of his wavering supporters in the Neighborhood Coalition for Peace, Freedom, and a Gratis Mobile Phone With No Strings Attached.
The Tyrrell Doctrine was first unveiled in the 2010 blockbuster After the Hangover: The Conservatives’ Road to Recovery. As I stated there, “The Tyrrell Doctrine recognizes that it is too costly and difficult to plant democracy in the unwelcoming soil of countries that have no sympathy for it, for instance Iraq or Afghanistan. It would be better to warn brutes such as the late Saddam Hussein or the fugitive Al-Qaeda leaders against threatening our interests or our allies. If they fail to take the hint, send in our forces and bust the place up. Then leave. After we flattened Iraq it was obvious that tyrants throughout the region got the message. The Lebanese, the Libyans, the Syrians, and even the obnoxious Iranian mullahs instantaneously became agreeable and almost docile….We should have left the place in a heap.” Now that is apparently what President Obama wants to do with Syria. Blast the hell out of the place and leave. Repair no roads. Build no bridges. Not even a roadside hookah parlor. Syrian President Bashar al-Assad on August 21 allegedly used chemical weapons to kill more than 1,000 of his civilians, making the Prophet Obama a recruit to neoconservatism. His problem is that no one else seems to be with him, not the British, the Germans, or even the bloody-minded Turks. What is more, he is actually making President Vladimir Putin sound plausible. At month’s end Mr. Putin was reminding this insufferable amateur that he needed the United Nations Security Council’s agreement to bomb Syria and who, on this occasion, could disagree?
Speaking of Mr. Putin, he has been very active on the world stage, even showing up for a photo-op on Russky Island in Vladivostok where he shook hands with an obviously annoyed walrus. Whether the walrus recognized the importance of the event is unclear, but old Volodya did. He is a public relations genius! Meanwhile, back in St. Petersburg police seized artwork portraying Mr. Putin and Prime Minister Dmitry Medvedev romping in women’s lingerie from the curiously named Museum of Power. A prominent figure associated with the museum—and the putative creator of these luscious pictures of Messrs. Putin and Medvedev déshabillé—is Mr. Konstantin Altunin who has, of a sudden, taken a powder. Yet in his place the Russians now have Mr. Edward Snowden, formerly of the National Security Agency, the once super-secret spying organization. Mr. Snowden had been spending the summer in Moscow airport’s spacious transit zone, subsisting on a diet of sugary pop and potato chips. Yet by August the Russians had all his paperwork processed and the delicacies on his computer drives logged in so they could grant him a one-year asylum. Unfortunately, back in the United States his soulmate, Pfc. Bradley Manning, has been sentenced to 35 years in prison for his misuse of classified information, and it is not even clear he will be able to have his sexual reorientation paid for by Obamacare. He wishes to be called Chelsea—doubtless an allusion to his heroine Chelsea Clinton—and to possess his own hair dryer. Yet his jailers might call him anything, even putz.
In bird watching news, British authorities are on the lookout for the savages that stole one of the Queen’s swans in the very shadow of Windsor Castle and barbecued it! They did not even trouble to remove the bird’s feathers. A call to Swan Lifeline by the park wardens who discovered the feast seemed ill-timed, for Swan Lifeline only cares for sick and injured birds. This swan was quite dead. Yet what were the wardens to do? They were disconsolate. Miss Wendy Hermon, the ever-resourceful treatment center coordinator for Swan Lifeline, told Sky News, “They were in the middle of their walkabout when they phoned us to say ‘we’ve found what looks like the remains of a cooked swan.’ It’s absolutely disgusting doing something like that. We’ve heard for years that that sort of thing goes on.” But Miss Hermon, stop and think about it. The perpetrators of this deed were birdwatchers. Dining upon one was their Next Big Thing. By the way, for those of you who thought that the exhibitionism of New York’s mayoral candidate, Anthony Weiner, was unique, think again. Duquesne University has uninvited the 70-year-old Geraldo Rivera to be a speaker on a panel devoted to the 50th anniversary of President John F. Kennedy’s assassination after the weirdo posted a picture of himself half-nude on social media. Which half remains unclear.
In scientific news, a Canadian doctor is hoping a rotted molar once prominent in the rictus of Mr. John Lennon will prove to be the instrumentality to discovering musical genius. Dr. Michael Zuk (pronounced zuk´), who purchased the smelly thing for approximately $30,000, plans to use it to sequence the former Beatle’s DNA. Dr. Zuk, who has no prior record of mental disorders, said, “I am nervous and excited at the possibility that we will be able to fully sequence John Lennon’s DNA.” He elaborated, “With researchers working on ways to clone mammoths, the same technology certainly could make human cloning a reality.” And he added, “To say that I had a small part in bringing back one of rock’s greatest stars would be mind-blowing.” And there is good news for those who fret about endangered species. In the jungles of Ecuador a new species of “mini-raccoon” has been spotted high up in the trees. It has been named the olinguito (pronounced oh-lihn-GEE´-toe), probably after some Ecuadorian patriot, and already gourmands have come up with many tasty recipes. Do I see an Olinguito Barbecue Book coming from Amazon? Yet there are disturbing signs that freedom’s light is being dimmed in China. In Beijing those who use public toilets are being warned that they must not befoul the toilet seats under pain of hefty fines. “Such uncouth use of a public toilets will be fined 100 yuan,” declared a public notice, and doubtless the comrades have even more onerous penalties in mind.
Twenty thousand people turned out in Washington for the 50th anniversary of the Rev. Martin Luther King’s “I Have A Dream” speech. It was far less than the 100,000 turnout that organizers had predicted—still more evidence that the years ahead are going to be unhappy ones for the Party of Grumpiness. A Mrs. Hillary Clinton look-alike turned up in a Boots Drug Store in Salisbury, England, wearing a mustache, fake nose, and sunglasses, and a CCTV image shows her stealing a bottle of Chanel, which she secreted in her
ample bodice before making her getaway. As for the lady herself, she won another presidential poll, though it has not been widely reported in America. In an August Rasmussen Reports poll, those who participated were asked, “Regardless of whom you would vote for, which candidate would you least like to see win the Democratic nomination in 2016… Hillary Clinton, Joe Biden, Martin O’Malley, Andrew Cuomo, Antonio Villaraigosa, or Cory Booker?” The winner, with 27 percent, was Hillary, also known in the American press as the Inevitable Nominee.