'Twas Just Before Christmas - The American Spectator | USA News and Politics
‘Twas Just Before Christmas

‘Twas just before Christmas and in a deep funk
were Democrats whose Senate Majority’d sunk.
Their House margin too saw a November fall-off
but hey, at least they still had Terry McAuliffe.

When from the TV there arose such a din,
they thought it was Trent Lott saying “sorry” again.
But no, it was 60 Minutes causing the uproar
with that Saturday Night Live character Al Gore.

His eyes how they twinkled! His hair was still raven!
And thank goodness, the man is remaining clean-shaven.
Gore cut a figure so brand new and spanking
you’d never know sales of his new book were tanking.

The former Vice President began his address
bypassing somehow the right-wing-controlled press.
The message was dramatic for one famed as a bore:
“I will not be running in 2004.”

The Dems reacted to what would seem like a gift
but, in reality, it gave their spirits no lift.
Their White House contenders were angry and sore
as their greatest strength lay in not being Al Gore!

The hopefuls cheered themselves on, like good little elves,
to convince the swing voters they could stand by themselves.
“On Daschle, with the nerve to lead our great nation
unless I hear Rush Limbaugh on a radio station.”

“On Gephardt, in my new role as a hawk,
but the unions still love my protectionist talk.”
“On Kerry, I’m Senator from Massachusetts.
Does anyone here still not know I’m a Vet?”

“On Senator John Edwards, trial attorney,
two words that should make most decent folk spurn me.”
“On Governor Dean of Vermont, I’m your new savior.
I want more social programs than Ben & Jerry’s has flavors.”

But just then, down the chimney Santa did land,
his boots leaving slush on memos from Streisand.
He had a round face and his belly was spacious,
so Edwards suggested suing some fast food places.

But St. Nick cut him off, in a voice jolly but rough,
saying, “That’s it, fellows: frankly I’ve heard enough.
I swear by the wintertime and its bitter cold
the times call for politicians daring and bold.

“Take it from a guy who flies the world in one night,
compared to you, Rudolph’s nose gives off more light.
Your business-as-usual is a bad gift, you see.
That’s why I’ve decided: you’re coming with me!

“You’ve all too little stature to command a great nation.
Much better you help my elves making Playstations.”
Then, before they could start splitting hairs on Iraq,
the Dems found themselves stuffed into Santa’s toy sack.

The sleigh took to the sky as the group let out a gasp,
especially John Kerry who’d never not flown first class.
And they heard Santa exclaim as the hour turned late,
“You can always try again, say, in 2008.”

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