They couldn’t abolish the death penalty so they abolished Enemy Central. Then crime rates skyrocketed, neighborhoods collapsed, nightlife ceased, and all shades were pulled down and curtains drawn and lamps unplugged. Darkness enveloped the land, fear provided its only pulse, and the final end was nigh — when all at once, in a burst of liberating flash and fireworks on American Prowler day, February 4, Enemy Central was restored to its headquarters and regional offices, and the hunt for red Octobrists and other progeny of the progressive gene picked up where it left off.
So here we are, all excited by the great opportunity we as an indispensable arm of the one great nation have been handed to pass meaningful, lasting, and unprecedented campaign finance reform (CFR). Thank you, Enron, for making it happen. Your generosity kept American politics in business. All along we knew someday you’d have to retire, and it’s a good thing you remembered to squirrel away a few big bucks in your 401(k) accounts. Since there’ll never be another you, we in the political game will have to find another source of backing. That’s were CFR comes in. Government is the only answer, as scholars and experts confirm with every federal grant they receive. So no more ripping off evil corporations to fund our political habits. From now on the taxpayer can cover most every activity undertaken in his name. Best of all, CFR will mean no incumbent will ever leave the scene. Term limits will be measured in eons. On the brighter side, a Senate in which everyone, even Barbara Boxer, looks like Strom Thurmond is the best argument yet for CFR.
We noticed David Boies has been sniffing through Enron’s ruins. Like the Reaganite certain there’s a pony buried somewhere in the fertilizer, Al Gore’s lead lawyer during the Florida idyll keeps expecting to come across a cache of missing votes from Cape Canaveral’s precincts, which naturally reported to Houston. He’ll stop at nothing to restore the presidency to the bearded one. Too bad the friendly David Kendall can’t get away from another client to offer his own brand of help.
But there’s always Abner Mikva, the compromised former Clinton-defending and Ken Starr-bashing jurist, to fall back on. Without mentioning the bearded one by name, Judge Abner ruled in an op-ed handed to the bailiffs at the Washington Post that the Senate should accept no Supreme Court nominations from the Republican pretender Bush unless perhaps he’s legitimized by winning the presidency squarely and fairly in 2004. Any day now, one can expect the mighty Mikva to handle legal representation in Washington for the Axis of Evil.
Speaking of rogues, one was dragged into our holding tank this morning, going by the name Gladys Kessler — the very same U.S. District Court Judge who earlier this week blocked the president’s appointment of Peter Kirsanow to the U.S. Civil Rights Commission. Before we say anything else, let the word go out from this day forward that the Enemy Central agent who hauled her in, Kevin Hudson, will receive a huge helping of Enron stock as a retirement bonus. Make no mistake about it: Enemy Central takes care of its own, i.e, our vigilant informants. Keep those denunciations coming in (via Reader Mail; see below).
As for Judge Kessler, any friend of Mary Frances Berry can’t be a friend of ours. The amazing thing is, the War on Terrorism will long be over, but Mary Frances Berry will still be holding out at her so-called commission. She does such great work where would we be without her?
Veteran Enemy Central agent Roger Ross reported for duty at 06:00 hours Monday last, with not a few unkind things to see about Mr. Niceness, Tom Daschle. Glad he did so, because unless the Senate leader is wearing lifts we don’t always notice him. Not that we don’t find him impressive. On a recent getaway weekend to Rapid City, South Dakota, we noticed that the imposing new airport of that metropolis is dedicated to a fellow named Tom Daschle. Only Tom Boy’s modesty is keeping the entire airport from being named after him. But can you imagine? Forget Chicago or Denver or Atlanta. Rapid City should be the nation’s hub. Or at least share duties with Hillary Rodham Field, once it’s no longer LaGuardia.
But that still leaves us short a winner — as if we didn’t know all along who it would be. It was bad enough during the State of the Union to have him singled out as a fellow who needs to be explained to the locals in Crawford, Texas. But that was followed by a Super Bowl won by a terrific team from the commonwealth of Massachusetts. Next day, our winner was briefed by staff about this team, the first time, apparently, our guy heard of the New England Patriots; later he was overheard asking if Tom Brady is his nephew. Then, drawing on his reaction to the Oklahoma City bombing, he had a statement read into the Congressional Record declaring the Patriots’ win as a blow to the militia movement, or something like that. So Sen. Edward Kennedy it is. EOW — Enemy of the Week — by acclamation.
But there’s always next year. The Baltimore Ravens’ sprawling middle guard Tony Siragusa has retired — and there’s only one person left who could spill into that position. So go for it, Ted. Hit that blocking sled. Imagine how much more the president will admire you once you’re in Super Bowl shape!