It used to be said that Bill Clinton could be thankful for his enemies, a very strange thing to say considering that it was hard to detect he was ever thankful for his wife. (Yup, this is still a tough room.)
In any case, it’s now our turn to say thanks for all the wonderful enemies, past, present, and TK, whom we’ve had the honor to single out, wiretap, track, and never lose sight of, even though Lot’s wife got blinded for less.
For instance, just to plug away at the biggest barracuda in the barrel, we’re grateful to Al Gore for finally giving everyone a chance to get to know him. How pleased we can be that most cable systems carry no more that several hundred channels. That means there’s bound to be a limit to the number of shows he’ll appear on. Better yet, a few too many looks at him is likely to spark a cultural reform movement, as Americans rid their homes of what they’ve come to realize truly is an idiot box. We’re grateful for the notion of single-payer, as bookstore after bookstore reports no more than one buyer for any of Gore’s new books. We’re appreciate Al Gore’s allies who reside in Canada’s progressive outback, where debate continues to rage over whether George W. Bush is a moron or merely an idiot.
We also appreciate a little guy who if not for Rush Limbaugh we’d probably overlook. That would be Tom Daschle, the littlest guppy swimming alongside Al Gore. Never has Tommy spoken more eloquently than in the excerpts from his slow-moving radio show that Limbaugh has been generous enough to broadcast and sponsor.
Paul Krugman, the most heatedly loyal polemicist since Ilya Ehrenburg during Stalin’s Great Patriotic War, has seconded the essential Gore-Daschle complaint against liberal press cravenness before the great right-wing onslaught. Naturally, Kruggie singled out Fox News as the most pernicious of the conservative cabal. Just what we like to see: a tiny network with ratings in the low single digits taking on the role in the fried liberal mind of Steven Seagal or Arnold Schwarzenegger or Chuck Norris, singlehandedly wiping out legions of thugs, goons, and other no-goodniks. It’s enough to turn the right on to gun control.
It’s traditional this time of year also to express gratitude for all the great food we as a nation consume with such damage to our constitutions. The food is fast, it’s fattening, and thanks to our trial lawyer friends, it now provides lots of get-rich-quick nutrition.
We have a special place in our hearts for elected officials who mesh church and state. The most recently anointed such figure is the Democrats’ religious minority leader Rep. Nancy Pelosi, a self-proclaimed conservative Catholic. Better than most believers she knows what damage Vatican II caused and we only hope she can find a way to restore Latin as the official language of Capitol Hill.
Rep. Pelosi has been unfairly tarred as a San Francisco Democrat. Or perhaps it should be said that San Francisco has been unfairly tarred by this association with a quaking political creed. So from now on let’s attempt new modes of expression in making the same point. Thus Rep. Pelosi and her flock should henceforth be known as Nob Hill Democrats, or Cable Car Democrats, or Mark Hopkins Democrats, or Barry Bonds or Joe Montana Democrats. Or, just to avoid confusion with Oakland Democrats, the There There Democrats. Now they’re happening.
Now for some unpleasantness. We need to pick our turkey, and stick some stuffing into his ballot box. The rest will be gravy. But who? From Switzerland comes word that Democrats have lost their only foreign policy issue. According to a Lausanne study, Osama bin Laden was not the speaker hear on a recent tape broadcast by Al-Jazeera, the Arabic jazz network. As Tom Daschle might say (with all deliberate speed) on his Limbaugh-produced show, “If Osama bin Laden is not the voice on that tape, then it could mean he is not alive. If he is not alive, that means he really could be dead. And if he is dead, we are deader.”
But no need for such despair. Democrats should see his as their golden opportunity. Over and over they complain that President Bush stole Sen. Lieberman’s idea to create the Department of Homeland Security. Well, one good turn deserves another. Now it’s payback time. Once “Wanted: Dead or Alive” was the president’s slogan regarding Osama. They should claim it as their own, and then revise it accordingly. “Wanted: Alive and Kicking.” Or, “Wanted: Alive or We’re Dead.” You get the picture.
So, we’ve got our guy. The first posthumous Enemy of the Week award is dropped on the remains of Osama bin Laden, for giving aid and comfort to our Democratic friends.
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