Suddenly our bunker at Enemy Central isn’t as roomy as we thought now that Executive Branch honchos have moved in as part of their Shadow Government outreach program. We’re not complaining, though, not so long as we have Sen. Tom Daschle defending our liberties and claim to unobstructed underground living space. We’re surprised, nonetheless, that he spoke out so boldly on the Shadow Government matter — it requires courage to reveals one’s own whereabouts from the safety of Canada or Sweden or wherever it is he intends to remain until the War on Terrorism is won and Osama bin Laden addresses a joint session of a Democratic-controlled Congress.
Meanwhile, the good folks of Punxsutawney, PA, are mighty upset that the fellow who emerged last month to complain that the Shadow he saw wasn’t his is actually named Tom. They were counting on not having to deal with him until Thanksgiving.
In even more upsetting news for Tom, a new book on the Bush campaign reveals that Al Gore colors his hair, which colored Bush’s assessment of his rival. But didn’t the book’s author know that Tom also has been known to color his hair? That’s a detail easily overlooked when it’s also known that Tom wears lifts. Let’s just hope the shoes they go into are American-made. The president could make it all up to Tom by naming him ambassador to Hanoi or to any of the Axis of Evil postings.
And before going over, the Ted Koppel of “Jeopardy,” one Alex Trebek, who, like Peter Jennings, was imported from Canada, could ask Tom to do a round on his question-asking show. That’s exactly what Trebek did with Bill Clinton Thursday night — all clues to a Clinton Administration category were read out in a taped video appearance by none other than the Impeached One himself. Afterward, Trebek thanked the ex-president for his cooperation, and then broke to an ad paid for, if we’re not mistaken, by the Bank of China.
It was all rather impressive. According to our intercepts, Mr. Clinton touched on some very sensitive areas. The $200 box had Clinton offering these clues: “I dated these five women on the afternoon of March 13, 1995, in between and during telephone calls to Gerry Adams, Slobodan Milosevic, Kim Jong Il, and Tony Rodham.” For $400, he let on: “As revealed in David Brock’s very sympathetic biography of my wife, this amazing blonde was shooed out the back door of my bungalow in 1974 when Hillary, just arrived in Little Rock after helping drive Richard Nixon from office, came trudging up to the front door.” For $800 contestants had to name of “the journalist who’s been in love with me longer than Monica and who’s now penned the definitive book on my presidency called ‘The Natural’ — which leaves me certain Robert Redford will play me in the movie.” Now if only Dustin Hoffman will agree to play Joe Klein. Or they could get the guy who played the Elephant Man, at least for the segments where Klein is still Anonymous.
In other news from the world of endless entertainments, a report suggests that Saddam Hussein is putting in a bid to have Baghdad host the 2012 Olympics. It’s not clear who will serve as actual host. Should Saddam remain in power, who’s to say who will win the gold in inspections monitoring and cruise missile firing? Europe may boycott if the U.S. looks to be the favorite, which could cost it a medal sweep in violations of U.N. embargoes.
But enough of these overseas distractions. There are plenty of Husseinites to highlight at home. For instance, the captivating Ms. Sandra Bernhard, a comedienne whose teeth turn to knives when she speaks of our President Bush. Until recently those teeth were more famous for the bulging gap they revealed between the two front ones. So it surprises no one that she remains a divider and not a uniter.
In Florida, the actor Alec Baldwin has taken to sleeping under falling coconuts. In his punch-drunken condition he now imagines it was the GOP that hijacked four planes and crashed them into Florida voting booths.
Even before this latest Baldwin contribution to political science, Enemy Central’s agent of the week, Bob Yatto, was moving in to concuss Mr. Baldwin further. But then, as he informed us in a detailed transcript, Mr. Yatto realized his services were needed elsewhere. Which is how we landed an EOW of greater stature, a beacon of light, faith, hope, and charity. Agent Yatto called him “indispensable.” We call Ted Koppel Enemy of the Week, but only because he turned out to be dispensable.
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