No word yet from the Top Guns of August. But the Pop Guns have spoken. Such father figures as Brent Scowcroft, Henry Kissinger, and Dick Armey are urging caution and warning that attack on Iraq won’t be a blast. Rumor has it that George Bush 41 is being pressured to sign on. Are we living through a generation war?
Not everyone is enlisting. Enemy Central Agent Don Parnell, in training at his home in Saint Simons Island, Georgia, is provoked by the Armey mutiny. He finds it a bit much to see a veteran of battles against Barney Frank and Hillary Clinton “grow” in office just before retirement. Has John McCain coopted him? Parnell wonders. Or is Armey trying to secure Sunday morning TV bookings for when he’s no longer in office? Is he our next Christiane Amanpour? Stay tuned.
In the land of heedlessness, Ms. Condoleezza Rice has emerged as our St. Joan. For her troubles the WashingtonPost.com posted heated reader responses, one of which, interrupting the burn-her-at-the-stake drumroll, denounced our big oil, big SUV habit, predicting that attack on Iraq would set off nuclear exchanges and thus cause a huge hike in the price of what will now be radioactive oil. But imagine the extra octane!
In another act of injustice, Time magazine has placed Ms. Margaret Carlson on irrevocable waivers. No one can explain the reason for the rift. But ever since 9/11 Ms. Carlson hasn’t been allowed onto the magazine’s playing field. Was she not liberal and anti-conservative enough for a liberal, anti-conservative weekly? Or was she too liberal and anti-conservative for the liberal, anti-conservative weekly? Did her knee-jerk feminism grate on the grating knew-jerk feminists at Time? Or was it the other way around? Was her ultra-liberal Catholicism too much for the pro-ultra-liberal Catholicism of her editors. Or was it the other way around? Was she too much a Gore apologist for the Gore apologists? Which reminds us: Ms. Carlson’s severance was reportedly being handled by Mr. David Boies, heretofore Ms. Carlson’s fashion consultant. Unluckily for Time, Ms. Carlson will demand a humungous settlement, given how much of it she already has committed to pay in taxes. She remains America’s sweetheart.
But where will Ms. Carlson go next? The New Yorker was recently exposed as a male-dominated entity more exclusive than Augusta National. Wouldn’t it be right and just if Ms. Carlson replaced the male-skin privileged Hendrik Hertzberg as the New Yorker’s chief editorial voice? Will it require the intervention of Tiger Woods before this is a done deal? Or will we have to send in Anna Quindlen?
And we’ve got just the carrier on which to send her. Delta Air Lines recently merged with Saudi Arabian Airlines, as promptly confirmed by the decision of one of its pilots to expel an Israeli official from a flight to Toronto. Delta used to be ready when we were, but no more. Next time we’ll take our chances on Mineta Air.
Another lionhearted Americano let his hair down this week to go after the right-wing Godiva, Lady Ann Coulter. Never the gentleman, ever the brigand, Richard Cohen came out practically begging for a self-restraining order. From all indications, he’d been kicked out of the Men’s Defense League and rejected by Coulter herself. Has ever a man attacked a woman in such a public way — and blamed the woman for his every word?
Richard could use a lesson in propriety from Paul Begala, who proudly spoke for all Democrats when he began “Crossfire” coverage of the Bush economic summit with these memorable words: “Tonight, a group of self-delusional right-wingers in a heavily armed compound in Waco, Texas, surrounded by federal agents. Branch Davidians? No …” Lucky for the Bush people they didn’t bring their children along. Then we’d have had Janet Reno taking full responsibility for Begala’s actions.
But all good fun and games must end, even if prematurely. Major League Baseball players announced on Friday that they will go on strike on August 30 if they don’t agree with the calls their owner umpires make over the next two weeks. We can only pray that they remain true to their word. It’s high time baseball season end so as not to interfere with the beginning of football season. How long will NFL teams have to play in stadiums in which the baseball infield hasn’t been removed? Isn’t it confusing to see someone tackled in the vicinity of second base?
Unfortunately, President Bush, as a former owner, has staked his presidency on averting a strike. He has let it be known that he’ll be furious with owners and players alike if striking major leaguers walk. Already Major League Baseball is our Enemy of the Week. But these players and owners won’t know what a beanball is until they’re thrown at by the Commander in Chief. Even Messrs. Scowcroft and Kissinger won’t save them. They’ll find it’ll be safer to escape to Iraq.