Sheryl Crow sings like an angel after our hearts, at least when she caws, as she did at the American Music Awards, “the best way to solve problems is to not have enemies.” Rock critics may disagree, but the subtext of those lyrics is that one has to eliminate enemies in order to not to have them. Thus what was interpreted as an anti-war message turns out to be a war cry. Again we’re reminded who’s the deadliest of the species.
Further confirmation was offered on Thursday night’s Nightline, on which Tom Hayden, still in recovery from his years as Mr. Jane Fonda, talked up what Ted Koppel concurs is a booming antiwar movement in America. Hayden in fact insists it’s already stronger than the Vietnam era prototype. Fortunately for Tom, the Post-Jane Syndrome Trauma Center accepts donations. Send them to us c/o Enemy Central.
Denunciations keep pouring into our mail boxes of recent Illinois Gov. George Ryan, who the other week emptied his state’s death row along with his conscience. Every cheap explanation has been offered for Ryan’s action, ranging from cowardice in the face of mounting criminal evidence against him to a desire to win favor of liberaldom and the millions dollars that come with winning a Nobel peace prize. Every cheap shot has been taken at him, such as reminders that despite his Republican affiliation he raised taxes, supported gun control, and even took a couple of trips to Cuba to visit with dear Fidel and supposedly to build a summer hacienda. Yet no one has bothered to look into the possibility that Ryan simply acted in response to issues on the female front. Men just want to be left alone, and apparently death row was crawling with social workers and other Florence Nightingales.
On a more serious note, check out what defenders of Ryan’s actions have to say, particularly their sudden insistence that a lifetime in prison is a fate worse than death. And here we thought these do-gooders were opposed to cruel and unusual punishment. Maybe they’ll come around in their thinking to conclude that the death penalty is the lesser of two evils, particularly if it can be construed as mercy killing. Can’t happen, you say? C’mon, they’re liberals. Give them time. Sooner or later they’re on every side of every issue. They call it personal growth and character enrichment.
At least this week time wasn’t on their side, not when it dawned on them that it’s been five years since the Lewinsky story broke. Tom Daschle was so shaken by the anniversary that he wound up calling President Bush’s stimulus plan “obscene,” Freudianly forgetting that’s a term more applicable to a different form of presidential stimulus. A consensus quickly developed that Monica and Bill’s coming out was one historic moment we did not need to commemorate, since for all anyone knows they never really went steady. Besides, the purported affair caused suffering to only one victim, a kind and caring boy president who shouldn’t have been distracted from the secret wars on terrorism he was fighting long before it became fashionable.
Bill Clinton will get no sympathy from Hans Blix, who has just suffered the most miserable episode of his entire career. After years of wandering the Iraqi desert like a heat-struck Mr. Magoo, and after winning all those Sgt. Schultz medals for knowing nothing, Blix stumbled over a cache of Saddam’s chemical warheads the other day. Depressing as the news initially appeared, by Friday Blix had recovered sufficiently to express confidence that he’ll soon revive his inspections career. According to our intercepts, Hans now knows he’ll have no problem proving it was the CIA that planted the warheads in the first place. Finally he’s found meaning in his work.
And what’s that we see in the sand right next to the CIA’s fingerprints? An Enemy of the Week plaque, already engraved in Hon. Blix’s name. It comes with a bonus CD of songs Sheryl Crow once sang at a Hollywood fundraiser in honor of Sen. Patrick Leahy. We’re not saying Blix and Leahy are related, but why not? Anyway, we hope Blixie comes by soon to pick up his prizes. We’ve given him more deadlines than he’ll know what to do with, but they should keep him in business well into the year 2018, when he’ll qualify for further extensions.
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