Weasel Worlds - The American Spectator | USA News and Politics
Weasel Worlds

We’ve got a little problème. A quaint little village in Languedoc by the name of Dominique de Villipen is passing itself off as the French foreign minister and exclaiming “Non!” at the idea of war against the big Napoleon of Baghdad. We look forward to next summer, when American professors return to their cottages in the village to reattach the dissected nerves of the locals.

One of our agents suggests President Bush should use his upcoming State of the Union address to denounce not only the toady French but also the Germans, at least those loyal to Prime Minister Gerhard Schroeder, of which there may not be too many left, give or take a few mistresses and future wives. Our agent has a name for these wayward allies: the “Axis of Weasels.” PETA won’t like it, nor might the White House, given that some speechwriter is bound to take credit for the term and parlay it into an instant best-seller. Perhaps the president should just settle for claiming these antsy allies speak in the Accent of Weasels. The French are very sensitive about incorrect accentiture, as they would say, and such an accusation by an American president would torment them greatly.

As we rush to judgment and to press, the AP is reporting that Hansie Blix’s crew is prepared to give Saddam Hussein a “B” on his next report card. Add another 20 points and that will be enough to get Saddam into the University of Michigan. Before his academic career is through we can imagine his rise to the ranks of America’s leading professors of peace studies. With any luck he himself will be leading delegations to the next anti-Iraq war protest on the National Mall in Washington. He’ll want to scout the site for himself, given how it’s only a matter of time before a Saddam Peace Museum is built on the Mall, somewhere between the Lincoln Memorial and the Washington Monument.

Of course, all this assumes Saddam’s career at Michigan will go smoothly. Say he decides to attend U. Michigan’s fabled football games. Won’t he be troubled by pre-kickoff flyoevers by U.S. military jets, without which American football isn’t football? Won’t he be offended by patriotic half-time shows starring the Stars and Stripes? One solution might be to replace the American flag at such events with U.N. flags. In fact, there’s no reason why U.N. inspectors should work the games as referees, or why Hans Blix shouldn’t become Michigan’s athletic director.

America was celebrating a pleasant Martin Luther King Day, but then it was you know who’s turn to preach. “If we don’t take race as part of our character, then we are kidding ourselves,” said Hillary, who speaks from experience, having kidded herself about married life for longer than civilized man cares to know.

Moving on with our lives, we always find it reassuring to get a definitive ANSWER. Do Communists run antiwar (i.e. anti-American) marches? Yes, yes, yes, or Da, Da, Da, as they would put it. The Workers World Party Stalinoids told us so themselves. They set up ANSWER to continue to great deeds first made possible by the Comintern, and their crowning moment came last Saturday in Washington and elsewhere. Now the likes of the New York Times and the Un-Foxed evening news would rather keep you in the dark about the pro-Saddam-Kim Jong Il-Fidel Castro-Hamas-Walter Ulbricht et al. nature of the ANSWER cadres. But then again, when’s the last time a Useful Idiot ever confessed to his idiocy?

On the other hand, a surprisingly smug Mickey Kausfiles says it’s great to use odious lefties to do the heavy lifting in organizing antiwar marches. They did so during the Vietnam era, and so what if their successors are doing so again? If anything, it’s the mainstreamers who are exploiting the organizers and not the other way around. So is he saying these hard-core lefties are like the Amish, whom mainstream Americans often hire to put up fences and barns for them? Or like Native American tribesman often brought in to put out forest fires? Or is he conceding that the children of white liberal privilege are just too feckless to think and work for themselves? Kausfiles does contend, “[I]f millions of Americans one day join ANSWER’s demos, that won’t mean they’ve become Stalinist cadres. It will mean the Iraq war has serious opposition.” Yeah, so serious it has nothing to say for itself that didn’t first run under the byline of Kim Il Sung, Ho Chi Minh, and Enver Hoxha.

It’s easy enough to declare ANSWER our EOW. But if there is such a thing as social justice, the real Enemies this week are those who have made it possible for ANSWER to shine.

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