It’s not our place to take sides, but we must state for the record that Howard Dean cost himself and his white-skinned backers any chance of winning the presidency the other night. He was asked to name his favorite song, and he replied by naming a ditty apparently lifted from James Joyce’s Finnegans Wake. Ooooo — so elitist. Why couldn’t he have done the human male thing and said, “Anything by Alison Krauss”? But then they don’t call him Howie for nothing.
We were watching the recent Dem Debate on the obligatory Spanish station, so it’s possible we misheard what the other participants named as their favorite tunes. Per usual, Frenchy Kerry couldn’t quite decide, but he started off by listing Edith Piaf’s “La Vien Rose,” primarily because it reminds him of his Vienna roots. Then he added he’s a sucker for anything by Jacques Brel, who once was alive and well and living in Paris, which Jean-François Kerry always imagined he was too. Quel dommage. Dick Gephardt stuck to script, as he declared the heavy metal rap blues group Miserable Failures to be his all-time faves. Sen. John Edwards, reinforcing his addiction to the almighty greenback, let on he couldn’t resist a guy named Johnny Cash. Naturally, the Breck girl in him years ago found comfort in “A Boy Named Sue.” Ever since his debate with Dick Cheney, Joe Lieberman has been humming, “If I Were a Rich Man.”
The bleep goes on. Dominatrix Hillary Clintonesque commemorated the second anniversary of 9/11 by reiterating charges that the Bush administration has gone soft on polluted air in the vicinity of Ground Zero. Ms. Hillary, who’s been known to speak without surgical mask at the site, should count her blessings.
From Chicago, our agent John Hughes revives old charges against Teddy Bear Skin Kennedy. As the most powerful senator since the decline of Rome, big Ted felt called upon to light into deputy defense secretary Paul Wolfowitz regarding postwar Iraq. “What was the planning? And how do you possibly explain the inadequacy of that planning, and who’s going to pay the price of the inadequacy of that planning? Let the word go forth from this day forward and all that….” Thereupon, brother Ted rolled out the plans his older brother had put together in preparing for the Bay of Pigs and limited war in Vietnam. And who can ever forget the big plans Teddy had one Chappaquiddick night?
In the Democratic understanding, President Bush remains an outlaw as huntable as right-wing evangelists Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein. Negotiations are out of the question. Thus, your typical self-respecting Demo would have preferred if the prez had spent 9/11/03 as they typically describe him spending 9/11/01: “on Air Force One … hop[ping] across the country with fighter escorts, in search of safety.” (Thank you, Dana Milbank.) Fear and loathing of the man have given way to a new irrationality. The current line is that Bush has abandoned the fight against terrorism by getting stuck in Iraq … where he finds himself having to fight terrorists.
Difficulty abroad is no substitute for absolute control at home. For all the Demo-libs’ fireworks, the fact of the matter is that the party of the left is over. Just how over was driven home by good friends Kenneth Starr and Theodore Olson, charter members, indeed founders, of the Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy. This week the two argued the constitutionality of McCain-Feingold before the Supreme Court — on opposite sides. The VRWC has cornered the market.
That’s not a consoling thought for the height-challenged Democratic Nine. What are they doing chasing after a prize they’re not even eligible to win? Seriously. Look at the aforementioned Johnny Sue Edwards. He thinks he can win the presidency even though he’s given up trying to win re-election in his own state? And he’s someone regarded as belonging in the “top tier” of the Democratic shorties.
Now comes word that someone named Wes Clark wants in. His major claim to fame is that he’s the only general in world history ever fired by an epauletted Bill Clinton. He wants to campaign in an Apache gunship, since his campaign never got to use helicopters of that name in Kosovo. Perhaps he’ll be better off working for the French or the U.N. in Iraq.
Which still leaves the Dems with only the dwarves. Or maybe Hillary, if the EPA declares her breath free of toxicity. Or someone like Joe Biden, though maybe he shouldn’t have been so nice about the president’s $87 billion speech last Sunday. Woe to the Dem who forgets whose side he’s on. It’s disarray like this which leaves the grand old jackass party leaderless. Which is why Al Gore is our surprise EOW. Anything to kick-start his comeback.
Either that, or Republicans will end up leading the Democratic ticket. Why not Starr-Olson?