In the aftermath of another political sex scandal from the greater New York/New Jersey area, jealous Connecticut residents have found themselves complaining yet again about their state’s penchant for producing white-bread, sexually normal governors.
“Do you realize that Connecticut was one of the original 13 colonies, and yet has never had a governor resign in a sex scandal,” said Hartford attorney C. Gunwhistle McBoon. “I’m seriously considering moving to Newark just so I can know what it’s like to read tabloid headlines about my own governor’s moral failings in the bedroom.”
Former New York Gov. Eliot Spitzer resigned Wednesday after it was revealed that he was the target of a federal investigation into a high-priced prostitution ring. In August of 2004, New Jersey Gov. James McGreevy resigned after a male aid threatened to sue him for sexual harassment. In his resignation speech, McGreevy acknowledged that he was homosexual.
“New Jersey gets McGreevy, New York gets Spitzer and Giuliani, who used his own security detail to shuttle him to rendezvous with his mistress, and we get, what? John Rowland? Bo-ring!” said Jen Yertle, a realtor from New London.
Three-term Connecticut Gov. John Rowland resigned in 2004 amid a flurry of corruption charges, all of which involved abusing the power of his office and not a nubile young aide, prostitute, or mistress. Current Connecticut Gov. Jodi Rell is “as titillating as an Amish quilting convention,” said Jim Rikkles, a chiropractor from Fairfield.
“Look, why do they think we were so excited to get casino gambling?” Rikkles asked. “It was so maybe we’d finally get a big, salacious scandal in Hartford involving sex and murder and maybe even the mafia. Instead, all we got was busloads of old people from Massachusetts, Maine and New Hampshire.”
Connecticut’s complete lack of perverted or otherwise sexually deviant governors has been a real disappointment to the voters, according to a recent poll, which found that 36 percent admitted to denying their Connecticut residency when they travel to New York City just so they won’t get teased for coming from such a square state.
“Look, I don’t need to have a governor caught in a barn with Boy George and the entire Yale Glee Club,” said Gertrude Wertle, a schoolteacher from Woodbury. “But couldn’t one at least hold a press conference with his fly down or something? I mean, give us SOMETHING to talk about in the faculty lounge, for crying out loud.”
An aide to Gov. Rell said the governor had no plans to engage the services of a male escort or hold an orgy in the state capitol building, as one talk radio host suggested last week. But he said she would form a task force to study “the serious issue of the governor’s clean living and its potential negative impact on tourism.”
