As April bid adieu, and our 44th president continued to swank across the country and around the globe, it began to appear that he is not so much conducting a presidency in the conventional sense as a world tour. His travels took him to Europe, the Middle East, Mexico, and the Caribbee. Abroad, he sounded his basic theme that America had been a failed state until he, the Prophet, rose up from the 4th Aldermanic Ward of Chicago to bring Good Government to Amerika. At home, his theme is that the last three decades of unparalleled economic growth were a hallucination. He will replace the hallucination with European social democracy, using as his economic model the U.S. Postal Service or possibly an ant colony.
While traveling in Europe his rock star aura was so enravishing that when President Nicolas Sarkozy’s wife, Mme. Carla Bruni, met him at the economic summit in Strasbourg she broke with protocol. The former model and songstress chastely extended her hand to our president rather than accept his kiss, which could have left her sexually aroused, panting uncontrollably and heaving wildly, her hair mussed, mascara running, nostrils flared. She perspires! She wails! President Sarkozy is very embarrassed. His wife is swaying rhythmically under the Prophet’s gaze—all this is what ran through the agitated minds of the American press as Mme. Bruni withdrew her tender hand. In the presence of our 44th president our journalists’ imaginations—especially those of the ladies—are highly susceptible. Time magazine has put this greenhorn on its cover 14 times in a year, Newsweek 12 times, and People’s “100 Most Beautiful People” issue included seven utterly ordinary faces from “the president’s inner circle who are turning heads in D.C.” Turning heads indeed—the seven included White House chef Mr. Sam Kass, whose mouth extends from the bottom of his left ear to the bottom of his right ear, and the president’s “personal aide,” Mr. Reggie Love. Like Mr. Kass, Mr. Love is completely bald.
Yet back to the Prophet’s world tour. In the Caribbee he exchanged pleasantries with Cuba’s president Raul Castro. Our president also accepted a Spanish version of the famously anti-American tract Open Veins of Latin America from the semi-literate Venezuelan strongman President Hugo Chavez, though it is not clear that our president knew what was in the book. He cannot read Spanish and possibly thought President Chavez was giving him the Austrian version of Open Veins. After all, in Europe the Prophet had expressed his belief that the official language of Austria is Austrian. To Mr. Obama Austrian probably looks pretty much like Spanish, or maybe he thought Mr. Chavez was giving him the Venezuelan translation of the book. Our president’s teleprompter was no help, and frankly he appeared a bit out of his depth to everyone save the American press corps, whose members do not know Austrian from Venezuelan either.
Back in America, the Prophet detailed his vision of the new American economy during a speech at Georgetown University, where he incongruously invoked the Sermon on the Mount after his aides prevailed on the administrators of the country’s first Catholic university to conceal the religious symbols behind his speaking area. The Prophet asked no more of Catholic Georgetown than he asked of himself. In his speech he never mentioned the author of the Sermon on the Mount, the late Nazarene whose views on several of the Ten Commandments have fallen into disfavor among the Prophet Obama’s supporters, particularly those in the transsexual community. In Stretford, England, footballers from Chorlton Villa beat International Manchester 6 to 4, though one of the winning team’s players was penalized for distracting a penalty kicker by expelling gas.
In Switzerland the crime wave continues, with Swiss police utterly flummoxed in their effort to thwart twin brothers who continue to accumulate hundreds of parking tickets with impunity. The brothers, Harold and Michael Lengen, ages 38 and 38 respectively, park their car, a late-model vehicle in which they have joint ownership, in unauthorized parking spots, collect a ticket, and then either Michael, aged 38, or Harold, aged 38, appears in court and insists that on the day that the ticket was issued the other brother, aged 38, was behind the wheel. Swiss authorities are stumped. By the end of the month there was still no resolution of that dreadful row caused by the BBC’s Miss Clare Balding when she joked about the dental ruins in the mouth of Mr. Liam Treadwell, the 23-year-old jockey who had just won the Grand National. While interviewing Mr. Treadwell on live TV, Miss Balding said, “Give us a big grin to the camera.” After Mr. Treadwell offered only a tight-lipped smile, the BBC interviewer importuned, “No, no—let us see your teeth.” When the wretch assented, she joked, “He hasn’t got the best teeth in the world but you can afford to go and get them done now if you like.” Ha, ha, ha—well, Miss Balding, you have an embarrassing last name! And let us see your hairpiece, you jackanapes!
In celebrity news, Mr. Phil Spector was convicted of second-degree murder. Mr. Spector is the legendary rock music producer who invented for 1960s rock groups the “Wall of Sound” after spending years listening to the sound of latrines flushing in public comfort stations. He could spend as many as 18 years in prison without his wig. There is no word as to the deposition of his navel lint collection. That auction of more than 1,000 items from the home of Mr. Michael Jackson was called off on April 15, possibly owing to public health concerns, and death claimed the life of Mr. Randy Cain, a founding member of the Delfonics, a word that has no known meaning in any modern language but might have been used by Cro-Magnon man back in the Paleolithic Era, a period that is apparently the beau ideal for Americans of the Green persuasion. Mr. Cain was 63 at the time of his death, 10 years short of the average life expectancy for an American male, but not bad for a Delfonic. Finally, as we go to press there is still no word as to the cause of the death of former porn star and Ivory Snow detergent girl Miss Marilyn Chambers. She was found defunct at her Canyon Country, California, mobile home. Miss Chambers was 56, precisely 21 years short of the average life expectancy for an American female. It is tough to be a celebrity in Amerika.
The Obama administration moved vigorously on the international front, following up on North Korea’s unethical launch of a missile. The Pentagon will cut $1.4 billion from the Obama missile defense budget, and if that does not put an end to North Korea’s provocations the Prophet will cut another billion. Further, the president declared an arms-control campaign to reduce atomic weaponry globally. Yet even after that show of good faith the administration is faced with global threats. In Nottinghamshire, an English businessman, Mr. Joe Weston-Webb, has set up a 30-footlong catapult rigged to fire sacks of chicken feces in all directions. Originally Mr. Weston-Webb devised the catapult in the mid-1970s to launch his wife, Mary, across the nearby River Avon. Repeated efforts failed, however, and in fact Mary still lives with him and has devised less arduous ways to cross the river. The catapult is based on an earlier Roman design. So the Obama administration could have difficulty negotiating with Mr. Weston-Webb. Few members of the administration speak Latin, or rather, Roman.
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