John Kerry

Iran Now Getting Hundreds of Millions Per Month in Nuclear Deal

By on 7.23.15 | 3:47PM

Hell, if the Obama Administration were willing to give me a cool $700M per month, even I'd negotiate with John Kerry. I don't really know what we'd negotiate about but I'd certainly show up every day dressed to the nines, ready to nod a lot and look interested, which is basically what Iran did, anyway.

John Kerry Wishes Barack Obama Were More Like Iran’s Supreme Leader

By on 4.29.15 | 3:38PM

You have to hand it to John Kerry. Few people have the stick-to-it-iveness of our fair Secretary of State. Say what you want about the man, but when he commits to something, no matter how undeniably stupid, the man stays true to his commitment. 

Even in the face of overwhelming evidence that Iran (1) has no intention of signing any sort of nuclear non-proliferation agreement and (2) persists in believing it would be best if the United States was obliterated from the face of the Earth, John Kerry is still trying, desperately, to make friends. He's like that girl at the slumber party who happily ignores that her training bra ended up in the freezer overnight because she's so desperate to be included. I almost feel sorry for him, if I wasn't 100% sure that this is all going to end terribly for either us or our allies (or both). 

John Kerry, Frequent Flier, Outraged at Fossil Fuel Usage

By on 3.12.15 | 2:49PM

Last year, John Kerry logged a lot of travel in his position as Secretary of State. By November of this year, he's certain to log many, many, many more. 

As these trips necessarily involve going over large bodies of water, and as we have yet to invent a reliable method of transportation that replaces private air travel, such as a Star Trek transporter that allows John Kerry to hop from capitol to capitol in a sparkly haze of atoms, John Kerry is still forced to rely on fossil fuels. And even if he's not traveling for work, his home, cars and yacht don't run on puppy farts and rays of sunshine.

But being that he's John Kerry, it matters not how much of a carbon footprint he leaves behind. You see, he is very busy and important, saving the world from the greatest threat to humanity, carbon emissions. As such, his movement and egregious consumption of dead dinosaur juice is not only justified, it is warranted and necessary in the service of something much greater than the sum of John Kerry. 

John Kerry “Won’t Rule Out” Running in 2016

By on 2.9.15 | 11:32AM

John Kerry is doing such a bang-up job as Secretary of State that he's considering taking this circus on the road. No, I don't mean that he's finally decided to take his job seriously and pursue foreign policy goals that don't involve "preventing global Climate Change" by relocating Europe's farting cows; he's considering running for President in 2016.

After all, if noted foreign policy achiever Hillary Clinton can do it, why can't we have a choice in which failed chief diplomat to elect to an even higher office?

Secretary of State John Kerry said in an interview broadcast on Sunday that he has not ruled out launching a presidential bid in 2016, maintaining he's been too busy to give the prospect any thought.

Asked by "Meet the Press" host Chuck Todd if he'd consider another run, the 2004 Democratic nominee said he can think of "no scenario whatsoever" where he would launch another bid.

Study Finds John Kerry Worst Secretary of State In the History of Ever

By on 2.5.15 | 1:18PM

We all knew it. Even he probably knew it. But now, there's scientific proof.

John Kerry is the worst Secretary of State in history according to a survey of professors at the top 25 foreign policy schools conducted by Foreign Policy Magazine, losing out, even, to "Don't Know."

Foreign Policy magazine this week announced the results of its 2014 Ivory Tower survey of 1,615 international relations scholars from 1,375 U.S. colleges.

One question they were asked was: “Who was the most effective U.S. secretary of state of the past 50 years?

The winner? Nobel Peace Prize winner Henry A. Kissinger, who was secretary for four years during the Nixon and Ford administrations. Since the Vietnam thing didn’t turn out so well, the scholars must have been grading him on openings to China and the Soviet Union when he was at the National Security Council?

Kissinger got 32.21 percent, extraordinary in such a large field.

John Kerry Brought James Taylor to Apologize to France

By on 1.16.15 | 10:52AM

Apparently, in an act of apology for missing the anti-terrorism protests in France last Sunday, which featured over a million people including, but not limited to, leaders from most of the world's major countries, we hauled 70s folk singer James Taylor all the way over to Paris to sing "You've Got a Friend' at a press conferene. I don't even know why we have a State Department anymore.

Just...Just watch the video. And maybe weep for the future of humanity. I don't know. 

I think John Kerry was then expecting everyone to cuddle. 

America, I want you to understand that this is a real thing that happened. This is a thing and it happened and it was real and we did it. In response to terrorism. This might be the most embarrassing moment of my life and I once missed the announcement that a middle school spirit day was cancelled and showed up to 7th grade in a poodle skirt. 

Freedom Watch

The Evil Mind of John Kerry

By 8.1.14

John Kerry sees no evil. The Israeli media is catching on.

Last night, the news arrived that Secretary of State Kerry and UN General Secretary Ban Ki-Moon had issued a joint statement announcing a 72-hour truce between Israel and Hamas. Reported the Washington Post

GAZA CITY — Israel and Hamas have agreed to an unconditional, 72-hour humanitarian truce to begin Friday morning, diplomats from the United States and the United Nations announced Thursday, potentially paving the way for an end to the 24-day-old conflict.

Got that? John Kerry has brokered a truce that will be “paving the way for an end to the 24-day-old conflict” between Israel and Hamas, the latter who has openly sworn to “eliminate” Israel. If you believe that this is “the end” of a conflict that is a mere 24 days olds (???), there is always that bridge in Brooklyn for sale (these days waving a white surrender flag). John Kerry has brought peace in the Middle East? Really?

Israelis Call Kerry’s Ceasefire a Betrayal

By on 7.29.14 | 5:28PM

John Kerry's most recent trip to the Middle East earned him such discouraging reviews in the local papers, not to mention receptions from Israeli politicians, that American officials have made their diplomatic displeasure known—diplomatically, of course.

Kerry spent last weekend in Cairo negotiating the latest ceasefire in missile exchanges between Hamas and Israel, but the Knesset rejected the plan outright as giving too much to Hamas and too little to them. They leaked their non-support through the media to avoid a diplomatic stand-off, and the media took off. The Times of Israel referred to the whole episode as "the betrayal," and that's only in the headline:

Leaked comments from unnamed senior government sources to Army Radio, Channel 2 and other Hebrew outlets have described the secretary as amateurish, incompetent, incapable of understanding the material he is dealing with — in short, a blithering fool.

The Obama Watch

The Gang That Couldn’t Speak Straight

By 7.22.14

Great piece by former colleague Alyssa Mastromonaco who defines smart, savvy and fashionable.

Thus began a tweet on Thursday by Jen Psaki, the execrable State Department spokeswoman who thought it would be a good idea to depart from that day’s shooting down of Malaysian Airlines Flight MH-17 over the Ukraine by Russian separatists, if not actual Russian military operators, using a SA-11 missile system.

It was the second Psaki gaffe of the day, as she had already opened her daily briefing not with reaction to the downing of the plane, but rather a series of minutiae so insignificant that Fox News’s Shepard Smith angrily denounced her as “highly inappropriate” for wasting airtime.

State Department Features Climate Scientists Bill Nye and Leonardo DiCaprio

By on 6.17.14 | 3:21PM

In an utterly out-of-touch move this morning, the State Department decided to devote its social media presence to the dire threats faced by our oceans using the hashtag #OceanChat. As Iraq burns and veterans die waiting for health care at clinics across the country, the brain trusts at the State Department spent the better part of the morning addressing this issue with the help of two “experts”: Bill Nye the Science Guy and actor Leonardo DiCaprio. Let’s look at their qualifications.

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