Joe Biden

The White House Wants You To Know That Joe Biden Is Really Fantastic

By on 8.25.15 | 2:02PM

A pall has passed over Facebook. Hillary's most dedicated supporters are so depressed, giant tears dripping down their embroidered sweatshirts, collecing into pools on the floorboards of their minivans, coloring their endless Facebook wall posts about their precious soccer-playing children with the kind of "blue" tinge they normally reserve for disappointing Grey's Anatomy episodes. The White House has endorsed Joe Biden. 

As Hillary Clinton flails around, desperate to overcome her email scandal, the White House has all but abandoned her in the water. Yesterday, they claimed that choosing Joe Biden over Hillary for Obama's Vice President was a fantastic political decision - perhaps one of Obama's best. Today, they're papering social media with full-throated praise for America's least influential Vice President (unless you consider his impact on Journey's resurgence). According to the Obama Administration, Joe Biden has everything you need to be a President: attitude, aptitude and good looks to boot.

Joe Biden’s Friends Fear Joe Biden Will Lose Joe Biden-ness As President

By on 8.5.15 | 6:34PM

Joe Biden is well known for many things, but his illustrious legacy of statesmanship is not first among the achievements that come to mind.

Yet, as Joe prepares to join the Democratic race for the 2016 nomination, his friends are warning him that taking on the nation's highest office could irreparably tarnish Joe Biden's otherwise spotless record. He's been such an effective partner for Barack Obama that they simply cannot imagine what Joe Biden would be like absent one half of the Dynamic Duo. And with a bitter fight likely on the horizon, they don't want to risk him losing - or, for that matter, the Democratic party losing.

Biden Steals Baby’s Pacifier Because Of Course He Did

By on 4.10.15 | 12:25PM

With the Hillary Clinton announcement looming, it's almost as though a personal dream is dying. Obviously, when the woman who is owed at least Quixotic shot at the Presidency, having been bested by a first-term Senator from a flyover state only a few short years ago, enters the race, the man, the myth and the legend, Mr. Joe Biden, will likely have to bow out.

This is disappointing on so many levels. First, the bumper sticker that reads "I'm Ridin' With Biden" that I bought from the Draft Biden campaign will now look more like a relic of a bygone era. Second, Joe Biden will never get to buy that campaign Corvette Z06 that he's been looking forward to since he first got into this game. And third, we're going to miss so many fantastic political moments, like that time Joe Biden took a pacifier from a former NYC mayor's grandson and sucked it in his face. 

Biden Remembers Ted Kennedy — And the Senate Locker Room

By on 3.30.15 | 5:08PM

The Edward M. Kennedy Institute for the U.S. Senate opens today in Boston, and the ribbon cutting, which featured a line of VIPs and high-profile speakers, has lent itself to a wealth of unintentionally hilarious Ted Kennedy tributes. 

First, President Obama, who opened the Center, took a moment to consider a world where we were all more like Ted Kennedy: a world where, I suppose, we all conducted ourselves with blatant disregard for the human beings around us, as we failed repeatedly to bridge any sort of partisan divide, pursuing our own dogged commitment to amassing influence and tolerating large quantities of alcohol. 

And then, Vice President Joe Biden, who, like many people, recalled that the erstwhile Senator was Virgil-like guide into the deeper, darker areas of Senate life.

Like, the naked ones.

Yesterday, Joe Biden Insulted Ireland

By on 3.18.15 | 1:40PM

For those of you thinking that the Obama Administration's general Mean Girl-ish-ness over the Israeli election results (AND NONE FOR BIBI NETANYAHU) is the most egregious failure of our foreign policy this week, consider that we dispatched Joe Biden, our Vice President, one heartbeat away from the Presidency, to welcome the Irish Prime Minister and his wife to Washington in a joint celebration of St. Patrick's Day.

You may be asking, how, exactly, does one mess up a St. Patrick's Day celebration with actual Irish people? Sure, the tradition of wearing green tutus and drinking until passed out in a gutter is a uniquely American tradition, but that's a small defect in the otherwise incredibly close relationship between Ireland and a nation built by many of its expatriates. The answer to the question, though, is, of course, introducing Joe Biden.

Joe Biden Moves In On New SecDef’s Lady

By on 2.17.15 | 3:31PM

How can we expect newly minted Secretary of Defense Ash Carter to defend our nation and its freedoms from the incursion of catastrophic elements if he can't even defend his own wife's earlobe from sweet nothings whispered by Vice President Joe Biden?

Apparently, when you're a Cabinet Secretary's wife, you get a free back rub with every swearing in.

If she plays her cards right, I bet he'll take her for a spin in his Trans Am later. They can listen to REO Speedwagon under the stars. 

Joe Biden Weighs In On #Deflategate

By on 1.21.15 | 1:22PM

My hopes of ever having a hometown team in the "Big Game" were dashed, oh, right around the time I was born in Detroit. Maybe before. Depends on your feelings in regards to reincarnation. So as far as I'm concerned, the entire concept of a "post-season" in football is alien to me. But it's not alien to everyone else, so Joe Biden, noted Vice President of the United States and REO Speedwagon's most prominent fan, is weighing in on it during his post-SOTU interviews.

At issue: whether the New England Patriots effectively cheated when they slightly deflated footballs used in Sunday's game against the Indianapolis Colts. Not at issue: whether Joe Biden thinks about what he's going to say before he vomits it out at an unsuspecting interviewer. In regards to the former? Probably. In regards to the latter: no.

America, Joe Biden likes his balls soft.

Vice President Joe Biden told “CBS This Morning” that he liked catching softer footballs when he was playing.

Creepy Photos of the 114th Congress

By on 1.6.15 | 4:38PM

Just in case you missed the great disturbance in the Force, like a thousand voices crying out at once and then suddenly silenced, that was the 114th Congress being gaveled into session (Gavelled? Gavellded?), we should most certainly relive the day in pictures. 

Let's start with the kiss heard round the Beltway. The one of forbidden love. The kiss of control over Congress.

"No Nancy, not here. Just wait...until times are different. Until we've cleared the CRomnibus. Until Netflix gets The Notebook back on it's ready-to-stream menu."

But John Boehner wasn't the only one getting his mack on for the swearing in. This day belonged to Joe Biden. And Joe Biden was going to savor it.

Here he is trying to steal what appears to be Orrin Hatch's wife.

Joe Biden Told a Campaign Story that Might Have Been the Plot to The Godfather

By on 12.15.14 | 2:07PM

Joe Biden was honored last Wednesday by the womens' rights group "Vital Voices," which exists to help combat domestic violence against women. While accepting his award for doing his part in the vast #WaronWomen, Joe, who will need to court the female vote in order to defeat his two potential primary foes, Hillary Clinton and Elizabeth Warren (both nominally female), told a story about how, when he was a kid, he beat the ever-living tar out of a boy who pushed his sister off of a bicycle

Biden regaled the audience with a brutal anecdote about his youth — when he was Joey Biden — that he insisted was totally true.

“I remember coming back from Mass on Sunday,” Biden explained, according to the Beast. “Always the big treat was, we’d stop at the donut shop.”

His father was waiting in the car, as was the custom, he said. On this occasion, Biden’s sister, Valerie, “tugged on” the future vice president’s arm and said, “‘That’s the boy who kicked me off my bicycle.’”

Joe Biden Discovers Ladyfolk Can Program Computers, Too

By on 12.8.14 | 1:49PM

President Obama and Vice President Joe Biden celebrated today's "Hour of Code," encouraging students to learn computer code and engineering, by interacting with a group of middle school students from Newark, NJ, learning how to create basic computer programs. While the President listened intently to the kids as they explained what they were working on, Joe Biden helpfully demonstrated that his smartphone had more power in it than the computers used in the Apollo space program, and then waxed poetic about female equality in the sciences.

No word on whether Biden was trying to convince the girls or himself. Fortunately, the girls were unfazed, and, now comforted in knowing that no only was Biden correct, but that he had provided them with at least one clear example of their intellectual superiority, went back to their work. 

 

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