Hillary Clinton

The Preferred Candidate of Millionaires is…Hillary Clinton

By on 5.6.15 | 6:46PM

She may be campaigning to earn the trust of the 99%, as they like to call themselves, by promising to steal from the rich and give to the...well...the bloated federal organizations that once claimed to serve the poor, according to their originally-filed mission statements but have since become retirement programs for middling bureaucrats, but Hillary Clinton's most ardent fan base doesn't have a whole lot in common with the common man.

Which makes sense since neither does she.

According to a "Millionaire Survey" conducted by CNBC, Americans with a net worth of more than $1 million heavily favor a Hillary Clinton presidency, almost twelve points more than they favor the other legacy candidate in the race, Jeb Bush.

Hillary Clinton Will Call Your Mom on Mother’s Day

By on 5.5.15 | 2:50PM

Obviously, if you're female and you haven't yet declared your ladyparts to be in the service of Hillary Clinton, your true gender is in question. And since it's been nearly a month since her highness announced her intent to rule over America like a feudal lord, it's about time they start using hardened Hillary supporters to recruit you into the collective. After all, the longer you hold out, the more painful it will be.

This Mother's Day, why give your mother flowers or perfume like every year when you can give her the gift of female solidarity? After all, she's the woman who created you to be the woman that you are, and if there's any chance our gender, which is now 51% of America, hopes to survive, we must join together to lift up a politican who proves that women can be just as corrupt, entitled, and out of touch as any man. 

So if you're truly serious, why not have Hillary Clinton call your mom on her special day to explain to her exactly that.

The Hillary Watch

Forbidden Questions

By 5.4.15

We continue to be admonished by all-knowing Republican consultants to stay away from Hillary’s health or age lest we be thought insensitive. As to my personal view on Democrat sensibility, it can be described as something that rhymes with “bucket”—to borrow a term from our dear President who is known for neither his decorum nor his sensitivity. So here are a few questions for the likely Democratic nominee.

During the last presidential campaign, Mitt Romney and Paul Ryan both released extensive medical records which, according to the New York Observer, “reveal[ed] more than probably anyone ever wanted to know,” including their weight, exercise routines, diet regimes, and what drugs they were on. Might Hillary follow their example and release her medical records? And might they be equally detailed?

Clinton Foundation Forgot to Report Over a Thousand Foreign Donations

By on 4.29.15 | 11:37AM

Somehow, last week, I landed on Jim Webb's press list, which makes sense because I'm technically press even though I do the majority of my writing in yoga pants, surrounded by cats. The incident hasn't done much to increase my confidence in Jim Webb to somehow disrupt the coronation of the Democrats high holy Queen, so much as it's made me feel bizarrely sad for the man. While he - a man of distinction and accomplishment - is out meeting with foreign dignitaries and Iowa bigwigs, the presumptive Democratic nominee is struggling to explain (or, in this case, not explain), exactly how she happened to cash checks from foreign governments while remaining absolutely neutral when they came knocking at the state department. 

Today, we find out that the Clinton Foundation, which is in enough trouble for foreign donations they did disclose, received over a thousand donations from foreign governments that they never managed to get around to telling any authorities about, even though they were required to by law and by agreement.

Hillary and The Dog That Didn’t Bark

By on 4.24.15 | 7:17PM

In the famous short story Silver Blaze, super-sleuth Sherlock Holmes is tipped off by "the curious incident of the dog" -- namely that a dog which often barked was, on the night in question, silent.

This is the context in which one should consider the assertion by former Assistant Secretary of State Jose Fernandez that Hillary Clinton "never intervened" in State's decision to approve the sale by a Canadian firm of the controlling interest in one of the United States' most important uranium mines to the Russian government.

Clinton Foundation Donors Also Got Big State Department Awards

By on 4.23.15 | 4:17PM

This isn't as damning as the Clinton story from this morning. Or that other story from this morning. Or that one from last week. Or that one from the week before. Or any of those Clinton stories in that book that's coming out. But it does substantiate the argument that Hillary Clinton wasn't completely removed from the Clinton Foundation's accounts receivable department.

It turn out that, if you, as a corporation, wanted to get a swanky award from the State Department while Hillary Clinton was in charge, just to commemorate your commitment to global humanitarianism, what you really had to do, aside from the occasional global humanitarian project, was to write a nice, fat check to Hillary Clinton's foundation. From Cisco to Coca-Cola, nearly every company nominated for or currently polishing a State Department award, gave big bucks to the Clinton non-profit enterprise. 

Campaign Crawlers

All Aboard the (Magical) Mystery Machine

By 4.21.15

Early last week, as Hillary Clinton’s monster Mystery Machine van rumbled its lonely way down I-80, stopping only occasionally to interact with carefully selected peasants and purchase overpriced Mexican food, someone on Twitter pointed out that the only way Hillary’s Quixotic quest to endear herself to her countrymen made sense was if you thought about it like this: sometime, in the not-so-distant future, someone with a lot of love to give and a healthy sense of masochism creates an approximation of a bordering-on-geriatric female. He dresses her in a pantsuit, fluffs her bleached hair into a bowl cut, gives her some programming guidelines, and sets her out into the world on a quest to understand and appreciate humanity until she can finally feel their emotions, just as if she was born a real boy (or girl — I’d hate to be considered sexist).

Member of the 1% Hillary Clinton Wants to ‘Topple the 1%’

By on 4.21.15 | 12:51PM

Being Hillary Clinton must be difficult. I mean, I have a tough enough time keeping small lies of convenience straight, let alone an attempt to mastermind the creation of a populist progressive facade. The sheer exhaustion that must result — it must wear into her like nothing else. 

Earlier this year, in preparation for her Woman Warrior of the People campaign, Hillary Clinton met with economists who instructed her on the fine art of discussing income inequality, and demonstrated, with the help of easy-to-understand pictures, how the "top 1%" of wage earners were now, officially, off the charts thanks to the machinations of those dastardly Republican economic policies, spearheaded by the Koch brothers and, miraculously, put into effect during a Democratic Presidency. 

Hillary Clinton's response? Smash the institutions of the wealthy and lop off their heads.

Clinton Team Interviews, Buses In “Real Iowans”

By on 4.16.15 | 4:21PM

I was hanging on to this for a retrospective of Hillary Clinton's first week, but it's too good to leave on the cutting room floor.

By now, you've no doubt heard that Hillary Clinton is doing her best to avoid interacting with any poor people, by which she means basically everyone. Just this morning, our Presidential candidate who insists that her age is not an obstacle to her abilities, avoided having to do such a common thing as walk across a parking lot by taking up a handicap space. And just yesterday, when sitting down to talk about the needs and wants to "everyday Iowans," it turned out that her staff had not only engaged the group in an intensive interview process, but had actually bussed them in from surrounding cities

Hillary Clinton's astroturf candidacy is in full swing in Iowa.

Clinton Foundation Reorganizes to Keep Foreign Money Flowing

By on 4.16.15 | 11:58AM

Hillary Clinton may be reticent to speak on the subject of foreign policy just yet - she's peppered her rare interactions with actual media with bland policy positions mostly having to do with middle class Americans and favorite burrito proteins - but that might be because the Clinton Foundation is still trying to work out how they're going to accept all that foreign cash while one of their founders is campaigning to be leader of the free world.

Turns out, they're still going to accept the foreign cash, at least as far as six key countries, with whom the US already has relationships, are concerned. Any other foreign national or government looking to have a direct impact on a major Presidential contender's foreign policy should instead donate to the Clinton Global Initiative, which is not directly affiliated with the Clinton Foundation in any way other than being directly affiliated with the Clinton foundation. 

No, seriously.