Hillary Clinton

Hillary Clinton, Not Goldman Sachs, Set Six Figure Speaking Fees

By on 2.5.16 | 4:48PM

During last night's debate, Hillary Clinton insisted that, despite her career in public office, preceded by her career as the wife of someone in public office, preceded by a career as an aspirant to public office, that not of that made her an 'Establishment' candidate. Additionally, Hillary Clinton insisted, she couldn't possibly be 'Establishment' because she's a woman, and as we all know, as long as you have a functioning set of ladyparts, there's no chance you could be part of the corrupt and incestuous Washington elite, trading niceties and Cayman Islands banking advice with DC's shadow financiers. 

Iowa Dem Who Won’t Release Caucus Results Has “HRC 2016” License Plate

By on 2.4.16 | 4:17PM

If you're still caught up on Trump's post-Iowa Twitter tantrum, you're missing the real major meltdown - the Democratic party's Iowa caucus nightmare. Votes aren't counted! Bernie Sanders is denied the win he truly deserves! Progressives are so livid they've cancelled drum circles and are planning massive protests in their respective University teachers lounges! They are loading up on Whole Foods Kombucha, rending their hemp sweaters and crashing their Subaru Outbacks into unsuspecting corn fields!

None of this is helped by the fact that the Iowa Democratic leadership refuses to release the raw vote totals, and instead, insists that Iowa caucus-goers should just "trust them" when it comes to Hillary's runaway win. While that's a suspicious request in and of itself, there's reason to believe the Vast Left-Wing Conspiracy goes even deeper. It turns out that the Iowa Democratic Party chair, who refuses to release Monday's raw data, is an unabashed Hillary supporter whose license plate reads, "HRC 2016."

Hillary Clinton Says “Vast Right-Wing Conspiracy” Still Exists

By on 2.4.16 | 1:45PM

This morning, the Des Moines Register officially called on Democratic party bigwigs to order a recount of Democratic ballots cast in Monday's Iowa Caucus. Apparently, the "quirky process" that they said led to the neck-and-neck result (which, apparently, came out in favor of Hillary Clinton, though no one seems to be able to say that with any clarity), was just a little too quirky for their taste - votes settled by coin flips, delegates seemingly assigned at random, a candidate who took credit for a win hours before anyone declared any official end to the process, and a sneaky suspicion that votes simply "went missing" in various urban precincts, all of whom, strangely, favored Bernie Sanders. 

Clinton Email Investigators Needed Clearance Upgrade “Beyond Top Secret” to Search Server

By on 1.20.16 | 1:20PM

Last night, as America girded its loins - or its livers - for the Trump/Palin Iowa rally, NBC News dropped a bombshell about the Clinton email investigation. Thankfully for Hillary Clinton who had just received news that she was running a full 20 points behind Bernie Sanders in the latest poll, Team Trump's Iowa antics ensured that the story flew mostly under the radar, but she may not escape the long term legal repercussions. 

According to NBC News and letter issued yesterday to Congress, the Inspector General's team looking into Clinton's private server use had to have their security clearances upgraded before they were allowed to read content in around 20 emails, some of which were marked 'Top Secret/Special Access Program,' above even the Top Secret designation found on emails before.

Charles McCulllough, the intelligence community’s inspector general, said in a letter to the chairmen of the Senate intelligence and foreign affairs committees that he has received sworn declarations from an intelligence agency he declined to name.

Are Bill and Hillary Still Making a Mint Off Pardoning Mark Rich?

By on 1.18.16 | 4:36PM

Hillary Clinton can't duck questions about her husband's infidelities, not from campaign journalists, not from her debate sparring partners, and not from Linda Tripp who, because everything from the 1990s is refusing to stay dead and buried, has resurfaced today with allegations that Bill had other White House dalliances and has slept with thousands of women, all while under Hillary's watchful, if ambitious, eye.

Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders Go To War Over Single Payer Healthcare

By on 1.14.16 | 1:25PM

Hillary Clinton has found her support dwindling these last few weeks, and Bernie Sanders is reportedly pulling even with the presumptive nominee among Iowa caucus-goers.

So what's a girl to do? Easy. Point out to her loving public that Bernie Sanders has no grasp of even basic economics, and although he considers his "give everything away for free" campaign platform to be both cheap and affordable, his healthcare plan alone - a single payer nightmare designed to mire Americans in a government-run system - will cost so much, he'll have raise taxes on the Middle Class just to make the website work.

According to Hillary's "Briefing" Twitter account, dedicated to countering misinformation, we're in for a $15 trillion Bernie bill.

Joe Biden Says Bernie Sanders, Not Hillary Clinton, Understands Income Inequality

By on 1.12.16 | 11:18AM

The White House is technically required to stump for the 2016 Democratic Presidential candidates this evening, laying out all of their successes in an effort to convince Americans that President Obama's tenure is in no way reflective of how other Democrats would choose to serve. There was that one time in 2009 he passed a healthcare law, but in the last 7 months or so, it's been all non-binding nuclear weapons agreements with backwater dictatorships, Executive Orders the Supreme Court will probably overturn, and that one time he opened up trade to Cuba because Beyonce wanted to go there on vacation. It's gonna be a tough sell.

Unhelpfully, this morning, the "White House," in the form of Joe Biden, also made it clear they have no intention on helping the frontrunner, Hillary Clinton. Talking about income inequality and the survival of the middle class, Joe made sure to tell the crowd of reporters that he thought Bernie Sanders, not Hillary Clinton, was in a better position to talk honestly about what it's like being merely a hundred-thousand-aire

Hillary Clinton’s Dance Moves Will Ruin Your Monday

By on 1.11.16 | 7:50PM

This afternoon on Ellen, Hillary Clinton attempted to perform "The Dab," a series of hand motions replicating a dance now popular among "the youth."

The results were not so much endearing as they were...somewhat terrifying. 

I don't think this will go very far in convincing the kids Clinton frequently shoos off her lawn that she's "with it" and "hip," unless they're using their grandmothers as the working standard. But it's worth noting anyway. It's Monday and you could use a laugh. Or a terrifying memory burned into your retinas.

FBI Looking to Expand Clinton Probe into Public Corruption

By on 1.11.16 | 7:29PM

Hillary Clinton has been out of the spotlight for a few weeks, hoping to avoid making any false moves lest Bernie Sanders finally overtake her in a primary state and, probably, to avoid taking press questions ahead of Michael Bay's Benghazi movie's premiere. But that doesn't mean everything's wine and roses in the Clinton camp.

As the FBI reaches further into Clinton's time as Secretary of State, and whether she knowingly violated restrictions placed on sending classified information, sources are now saying the agency is concerned that Clinton may have forged some improper ties between the State Department and her namesake foundation.

Fox News reports, exclusively.

According to reporting from Fox News, the FBI probe of Hillary Clinton‘s email use has expanded and is now investigating whether the “intersection” of Clinton Foundation donations and State Department decisions during Clinton’s tenure as Secretary of State violated corruption laws.

Hillary Clinton Says Aliens Have Probably Visited Us, Vows to Open UFO Files

By on 1.4.16 | 2:25PM

The truth is out there, you guys, and Hillary Clinton is going to find it.

Just as the X-Files prepares for its long-awaited return to television (at least, I long awaited it), Hillary Clinton has debuted her own plan to investigate the supernatural and reveal to the world just how extensive the alien-born impact has been on our proud American tradition. Yes, in an effort to regain the spotlight from Oregon militias and Kardashian babies, Hillary Clinton has announced that she believes UFOs are real and plans to reveal all of Area 51's secrets to the American people, should she attain the nation's highest office.

The Democratic candidate Hillary Clinton said she also wants to open up on what is happening at the mysterious Area 51 military base in Nevada, where UFO conspiracists believe evidence of alien technology is hidden away.