The Republican Party may be busily packing candidates into a clown car — yesterday it neared, finally, the “dirty dozen” required to hold either an in-depth debate on the merits of marijuana legalization or our own First Annual Republican Hunger Games (the clearly better idea, given how quickly it’d narrow the field) — but the Democrats seem to be struggling with their own field’s drawbacks. Namely, that no one currently running for the Democratic Presidential nomination is able to remember where they put their keys without one of those Brookstone echolocaters and a staff of twelve.
Bernie Sanders is surging ahead in a bunch of inconsequential states, but that hasn't stopped the Ron Paul of the left from taking potshots at the presumptive frontrunner, who is trying to co-opt his populist rhetoric to sell Americans on a third Clinton term.
On one hand, I cannot believe that anyone this country is crazy enough to consider Bernie Sanders is a legitimate candidate for higher office when its not even clear he can regularly locate his car keys. On the other hand, the poll is from Wisconsin, and that would be the segment of our nation's population crazy enough to consider Bernie Sanders a legitimate candidate for President. After all, they consider Miller Lite "beer" and the Green Bay Packers a "football team."
Anyway, yes, America. Bernie Sanders is now within double-digits of our fair Democratic maven, Hillary Clinton - something her entire campaign should be melting down over right about now.
Hillary Clinton is crushing the rest of the Democratic presidential field in national polls, but over the weekend, in a Wisconsin straw poll, there was reason to give the Clinton camp pause and the Bernie Sanders camp hope — Sanders scored a strong second-place finish with 41 percent of the vote, to Clinton’s 49 percent.
There's something you have to admire about Bernie Sanders: when he commits to something, he commits all the way. While most of is ideas might be half-baked at best, his belief in his own intellectual superiority and the superiority of his ideas, even though the Soviet Union tried them once and ended up collapsing under the weight of its own incompetence, is absolutely not tarnished in any way by the winds of reality. He is absolutely 100% Bernie Sanders.
In keeping with the way we journalists are supposed to write about sexual assault nowadays, I'm going to say in advance of the rest of this piece, these two words: trigger warning. Now, I'm not saying that in order to steel your backbone against the disgusting and potentially disturbing content I am about to deliver to you, lest you suffer mental distress; I'm saying that in order to steel your backbone against the fact that it's all coming from Bernie Sanders, and the very thought of "Bernie Sanders" and "fantasy" in the same sentence makes my ladyparts crawl up into my intestines a little bit and it will no doubt have a similar effect on you. If you're lucky. I assume you'll also have night terrors.
I have a number of problems with Axe body spray, almost all of them stemming from terrible experiences in the Jersey Shore era, where the scent would literally permeate the walls of any building into which a college-aged dudebro walked. It's certainly choked and saddened me. It has never, as I can recall, however, starved me.
But according to newly minted Presidential candidate Bernie Sanders, who is mostly a Socialist when he remembers to take his medication, spray deodorants like Axe body spray are actually what is standing in between the poor, starving children of America and their dreams of a happy life on a progressive commune where everyone wears flowy skirts and no one wants for anything because there's always a grilled cheese cooking on a carburetor.
America, you asked for Elizabeth Warren (D-$8.5M Net Worth), and despite all evidence to the contrary, persisted in believing that she was a worthwhile potential candidate. Well, your hard work has paid off. No, Elizabeth Warren is not going to declare her intent to run, though she's 100% certain that she is moving Hillary as far leftward as her little bowl-haircutted Native American noggin possibly can, she's merely inspired your next contestant.
Ladies and gentlemen of Iowa, we hope you like Bernie Sanders. All of the progressive lunacy, none of the restrained dignity.
Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders will make an announcement on Thursday about his intentions to run for president, a source close to his thinking tells CNN.
Sanders, an independent senator who caucuses with Democrats, has been inching towards a presidential run for months by traveling the country and speaking to liberal groups in critical presidential states like Iowa, New Hampshire and South Carolina.