Culture

Ferguson Grand Jury Has Reached a Decision

By on 11.24.14 | 3:42PM

This is developing.

The grand jury assembled to determine whether Officer Darren Wilson should face charges in the death of Michael Brown has reached a decision. News outlets expect to hear from the County Prosecutors Office in Missouri and from the Governor's Office either around 5pm EST today or early tomorrow morning. Cable news anchors have been ordered to pack up the tents they've been sleeping in in Ferguson for the last month as they waited for the decision and get into makeup. 

I made the last part up, but you know it's happening.

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WaPo Feels Compulsive Need to Fact Check SNL Skit on Executive Actions

By on 11.24.14 | 11:31AM

By now, I'm sure you've seen Saturday Night Live's Schoolhouse Rock-themed cold open making fun of President Obama's use of executive actions to bypass a Congressional deadlock on a rather important subject. But just in case you haven't:

It's pretty good, or as good as we can expect Saturday Night Live to be, though things seem to have gotten better now that Seth Meyers is only writing terrible jokes for himself. And, perhaps despite itself, it actually does a decent job of explaining how Obama's use of executive action compares to the measure's traditional use. Someone in the writer's room actually passed high school civics. 

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Nickelback Releases A Ferguson Protest Song, Of Course

By on 11.20.14 | 4:57PM

Ferguson, Missouri is, right now, on pins and needles, waiting for the grand jury's decision whether or not to charge Officer Darren Wilson in the death of Michael Brown. On Monday, Missouri Governor Jay Nixon declared a state of emergency and called in the national guard, and today, he announced a small coalition of pastors, law enforcement professionals and others, who will be charged with helping Ferguson recover and rebuild from months of protests.

But while entertainers have visited the city to cheer on the Ferguson protesters, no one has really gone all in on the protests themselves.

That is, no one has really gone all in on the protests themselves, until now. Last September, the world's worst rock band, Nickelback, released a Ferguson protest song that two million people subjected themselves to on YouTube. The song is titled "Edge of a Revolution," it's everything you've come to expect from Nickelback, with a bonus dose of political philosophy, no doubt borne out of the experiences of their hardscrabble Canadian upbringings, and, like, ten minutes of live Ferguson footage Chad Kroeger saw once on CNN.

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Al Sharpton Owes $4M in Back Taxes Because of Racism or Something

By on 11.20.14 | 2:41PM

Yesterday, the New York Times revealed that Al Sharpton owes around $4.5 million in back taxes to state and local authorities. They also noted that, while Al Sharpton has commented before that he's been slowly paying off his tax obligations, his accounts have allegedly grown with the state, alongside numerous overdue accounts for travel, hotel, entertainment, rent and private school tuition. 

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Willow and Jaden Smith Are Probably Aliens

By on 11.18.14 | 4:33PM

Willow and Jaden Smith, the children of Will and Jada Pinkett Smith, have new albums coming out, and the New York Times thought it might be a good idea to interview them, because artists love to be interviewed when they have something to promote, and because they are children of celebrities they must, by definition, have interesting things to say that could one day prove useful in a deposition. Su Wu, the story's author, could not have been disappointed.

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TIME Apologizes for Accidentally Trying to Banish Feminism

By on 11.18.14 | 12:46PM

Apparently, for the last four years, Time Magazine, which still exists despite all evidence to the contrary, has conducted a poll of online users over which "Word of the Year" to ban. To this day, none of the winners, including "YOLO" and "twerk" have been effectively banned, as we know because people still insist on both using them, and that Miley Cyrus is being deliberately terrible in pursuit of some sort of Dada-esque artistic merit.

This year, in a fit of what is clearly masochism, Time decided to include the word "feminst," which, by all accounts, thanks to the Internet's perpetual cycle of outrage, has lost all meaning as an ideology. Their rationale? It's become a celebrity buzzword, that movie stars and 25-year-old priveleged memoir authors plaster on themselves before considering, for example, which women-only sweatshop their designer-inspired makeup bag hails from.

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Vladimir Putin Decides Everyone is Mean, Leaves G20 Early

By on 11.17.14 | 1:08PM

Vladimir Putin went to the G20 thinking that he wasn't going to have to do much except sit in a comfortable chair with his fingers tented like a Bond villain, as other countries discussed their economic inter-relationship and possible locations for that Olympics no one wants to host that might end up in Kazakhstan. But then Chelsea Handler made it awkward.  And then Stephen Harper, Prime Minister of Canada, made it super awkward. As did David Cameron, UK Prime Minister. And despite Vladimir Putin's best efforts at soundlessly communicating his global position of being one needlessly high-tech underwater sea base away from launching a satellite to control Earth's weather, the other leaders seemed oddly unafraid.

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Katie Couric Names Chelsea Clinton “Mother of the Year” After Six Weeks of Motherhood

By on 11.17.14 | 12:53PM

Sure, other mothers who are famous for no discernible reason have been slacking off in the "setting a good example" department of late. Mama June has been dating a sex offender, who is also a former boyfriend, who apparently molested one of her kids, but not the kid he fathered, one of her other kids fathered by a different sex offender. I think. It's hard to keep it straight. And Kim Kardashian photoshopped herself into our hearts and minds, causing an entire nation of people minor psychological damage.

But there are lots of mothers out there, thousands of them, in fact, who might deserve the title of "Mother of the Year." Aside from her massive optical contribution to her own mother's potential Presidential campaign, I can't really see how Chelsea Clinton, mother of six-week-old Charlotte, can grab that title without a fight.

The media love affair with the Clintons continued when Katie Couric interviewed former first-daughter Chelsea Clinton this week for Yahoo News.

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Are You Ready for “Ted Cruz Saves America”?

By on 11.13.14 | 4:39PM

Last year, Really Big Coloring Books, a pre-eminent coloring book publisher, debuted it's Cruz to the Future coloring book for all of those hardcore Republican pre-schoolers on your list (or, of course, for any liberal family members who needed a more easily-understandable explanation of Cruz's popularity). It was so susccessful, apparently, that Really Big Coloring Books is about to issue a sequel, an eight-page supplement entitled Ted Cruz Saves America.

The children’s coloring book on Ted Cruz was so popular that the publisher is out with an addition.

Ted Cruz Saves America is an eight-page supplement to the original that came out last year by Really Big Coloring Books. Publisher Wayne Bell said the addendum was inspired by the reception to Cruz to the Future, which was the No. 1 best-selling children’s coloring book on Amazon for about 20 weeks.

“This book was so wildly crazy popular,” Bell told USA TODAY. “Some parents consider this man a real superhero.”

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Chuck Hagel Lost Epic Battle With Kitchen Cabinet

By on 11.13.14 | 12:45PM

That's right, America. Our illustrious Defense Secretary, Chuck Hagel, was seriously injured in a fight with a piece of wood.

Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel might want to stay out of the kitchen for a while.

Hagel showed up Tuesday at the Vietnam Veterans Memorial in Washington, D.C. sporting a huge bandage on his face after a "minor kitchen mishap."

That "mishap" involved a kitchen cabinet, and the cabinet clearly won.

Lucky for the cabinet, it caused no permanent damage. Otherwise, we might have written it a secret letter, asking for it's cooperation in the Middle East.

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