Dear Mr. Plunkitt—
I went to Healthcare.gov to see what all the fuss was about. Big mistake. First of all, by accident I initially typed in Healthcare.lov, which—lo and behold!—hosts an explicit website for those who find amorous appeal in stethoscopes and inflating blood pressure armbands. When I finally got to the correct website, I entered some very private information (yes, I still smoke at least a pack a day, but Michelle cannot find out and this is said in confidence, Mr. Plunkitt, not for publication), but when I clicked “submit” it just disappeared into the ether. So I tried the 1-800 enrollment number instead. My call was put through to an unhelpful but extremely enthusiastic “navigator,” who told me he would guide me through the signup process like Ferdinand Magellan. I didn’t have the heart to enlighten him that Magellan was impaled by eskimos or zulus or something like that.
Politically, what’s the next move? My poll numbers are almost as low as my score on nine holes of golf—and I’m pretty good, so that’s saying something. I get why people are frustrated, but I’ve apologized for these glitches, and we are working hard—eight hours a day, five days a week, excepting holidays and federally mandated break periods—to fix them.
But you’ve not apologized for misleading the public! The entire premise of the law—that Americans could keep their coverage, that it would bend the cost curve, that it was not a step toward single-payer—was a lie inside of a half-truth inside of a gross misrepresentation: a veritable turducken of subterfuge. If you want our forgiveness, don a hair shirt for your next State of the Union, set your teleprompter to lead you through five Hail Marxies, and grow a trustworthy looking mustache.
Dear Mr. Plunkitt—
Things are looking up: Inspectors stand ready to verify the nature of Iran’s nuclear program. The ketchup business is booming, beating back stiff competition from salsa and our old nemesis, Worcestershire. I’m hoping to break falafel with Israeli and Palestinian leaders in the next few months in order to put lasting peace on the table. I’m optimistic, but maybe I’m just an idealist?
Secretary of State
Regain control of your cynicism, man! We do not live in an ideal world (or even the best possible world). In an ideal world, rocks would be made of chocolate, ending world hunger (but exacerbating world tooth decay). World leaders, instead of facing off on the international stage, would form an elite basketball squad like the Harlem Globetrotters. (Mahmoud Abbas to Benjamin Netanyahu for the alley-oop!) Monsanto would genetically engineer monkeys smart enough to do manual labor, but not smart enough to overthrow us.
But you must toss such visions to the wayside, as I learned the hard way. I have still not entirely recovered from the time I asked my monkey to even out the bushes and then handed him a hedge-trimmer.
I’m at my wit’s end. All I hear about, day in, day out, is how my football team offends someone’s tender sensibilities. Fine. I’ll change the name…to something that those participating in this PC racket will find even more offensive. Problem is, everything I think of contains at least one four-letter word, and usually two or three. Thoughts?
The Washington Redskins
How to offend a liberal? Let me count the ways:
• The Washington Midgets.
• The Washington Rodeo Clowns Dressed Up Like Barack Obama.
• The Washington Chick-Fil-A Owners Minding Their Own Business Just Making Tasty Sandwiches.
• The Washington Housewives Comfortable With Their Life Choices Who Don’t Appreciate Your Condescension One Damn Bit.
Some of those are admittedly quite long. You could always just stick with a classic: The Washington Reagans.
You’ve probably heard that I’m being charged with plagiarism, the wrongful appropriation and purloining and publication of another author’s language, thoughts, ideas, or expressions. I am accused particularly of taking verbiage for speeches directly from Wikipedia, a collaboratively edited, multilingual, free Internet encyclopedia supported by the non-profit Wikimedia Foundation. Could this be my Watergate, a political scandal that occurred in the United States in the 1970s as a result of the June 17, 1972 break-in at the Democratic National Committee headquarters at the Watergate office complex in Washington, D.C.?
Senator from Kentucky, officially the Commonwealth of Kentucky, a state in the east south-central region of the United States.
The first rule of holes is when you’re in one, quit digging. Heck, remove the C key from all your office computers, so your speechwriters won’t be tempted to copy-paste. (Can you win in 2016 without using any C’s?)