MARCH CAME IN like a lamb and went out like a lamb. That was the good news of Global Warming! Also the most feeble of all modern economic recoveries continues. In the 45 months since the recession ended job creation has averaged 113,000 fewer jobs per month than in a normal recovery. President Barack Obama is right on target. This recovery has almost no carbon footprint whatsoever, actually almost no carbon! Well done, Mr. President, and now this ridiculous stone head has proclaimed April “National Financial Capability Month.” His White House is organizing workshops to train the youths of the land on “how to budget responsibly.” As for the federal budget, it has increased the national debt by $53,377 per household.
• He is up to his old tricks! Former Senator Jean-François Kerry, now secretary of state, took off on a nine-country tour of Europe and the Middle East, and made a goofy spectacle of himself at every stopping-off point. Pictured lewdly embracing dignitaries, bouncing balls on his head, serving as a shapely steward on the State Department’s airplane, even carrying a doll that looks like nothing so much as Iraq’s president Mr. Nouri al-Maliki, he was a hoot the moment he left the United States, and we have this goof-ball diplomat to fasten our amazed eyes upon for three more years! Watch him trip off his airplane headlong down the stairs. Watch him skateboarding down the Champs-Elysées. Watch him bungee jump the Victoria Falls. While on his March tour he allowed as how Our President favored other governments arming the Syrian rebels, but not the extreme groups. Oh, no! Who will stop them? This is Our President’s innovative way of leading from behind, actually from under his desk in the Oval Office. In other Middle Eastern news Miss Shereen El Feki, the Masters and Johnson of the Arab world, has come out with the area’s first sex study, Sex and the Citadel: Intimate Life in a Changing Arab World, and lived to tell about it. Miss El Feki, however, is not clear which direction the “Changing Arab World” is changing toward. In one section of the book she records Arab habits of masturbation, which Miss Feki adjudges very promising. Yet in other areas she is not so joyous. For instance, there is a scholarly section on whether washing boys and girls underwear in the same tub can eventuate in pregnancy. Here AmSpec’s advice is to avoid the predicament completely. The Arab world should disavow every sort of Western undergarment, even BVDs, even girdles, and, of course, Godless brassieres. Frankly, I was amazed that there was not an outstanding fatwa on the topic. Meanwhile, in the United States the Supreme Court heard two cases regarding same-sex marriage.
• Mr. Hugo Chávez, the Venezuelan despot, is dead. He died of natural causes, which included repeated and reckless trips to the Cuban quacks. He was 58. Florida Atlantic University is in trouble again. First its beach volleyball classes were threatened by inclement weather, then some imbecilic professor from FAU asked his class to write the name “Jesus” on a piece of paper and stomp on it. The prof is Mr. Deandre Poole, a professor of communications and the Vice Chairman of the Palm Beach County Democratic Party. He issued a Blah, Blah, Blah pronunciamento that “Faculty and students at academic institutions pursue knowledge and engage in open discourse. While at times the topics discussed may be sensitive, a university environment is a venue for such dialogue and debate.” So is Bug House Square, you numbskull! His class has been temporarily adjourned to Florida Atlantic University’s famed sundeck, university indeed!
• Former Senator Larry Craig, the country’s first Lavatorian Conservative, had a rough month. A federal judge greeted Mr. Craig’s claim that it was perfectly proper for him to use $217,000 of his campaign funds to defend himself against charges back in 2007 of sexual impropriety in a public lavatory with snickers. Now it appears that he will have to come up with the $217,000 from his own sources, and neither his lecture tour nor his journal, Bathroom Beautiful, is doing that well. Possibly he will become a celebrity plumber. The American intelligence community is apparently stumped over the authenticity of a North Korean video that claims that American citizens live off snow and have eaten the country’s entire bird population, even endangered species. One bearded homeless man is identified by the video’s narrator as “a former Republican candidate from Oregon,” and the narrator concludes, after filming a crowd of people at a homeless shelter, that “This is how they live in modern day America, huddled together—the poor, the cold, the lonely and the homosexual.” President Obama’s intelligence officers have yet to identify anyone in the crowd, but relations between his government and that of 28-year-old Kim Jong-un (pronounced, young-on) have grown frosty.
• After more than a week of deliberations, a gathering of cardinals in the Vatican chose the first non-European pope in 1,200 years to succeed Pope Benedict XVI. He is the archbishop of faraway Buenos Aires, but wait! The crafty Italians have done it again! The new pope’s name is Jorge Mario Bergoglio, and he is the Argentine son of Italian immigrants. So if the Church is going to “wrestle,” as they say, “with an array of challenges,” those challenges will not be in the Vatican kitchen. There pasta will reign as before and most likely a demitasse of espresso. Pope Francis gained immediate acceptance from much of the news media by continuing in his role as a humble servant of the Lord and personally calling to his Argentine kiosk asking that it cancel his newspapers. The Virginia Department of Agriculture and Consumer Services is to be congratulated for exposing the animal rights militants, PETA, as the killers of 90 percent of the dogs and cats placed in its care. Known for its grumpy billboards at fishing piers claiming that fish hooks pain fishes’ boney jaws and its lewd boasts—“I’d Rather Go Naked”—in anti-fur advertisements, PETA euthanized 1,647 of our furry friends and found homes for only 19 in the state of Virginia in 2012—not one with a butler and household staff.
• On the university front Brown University kicked off its annual “Sex Week” with a workshop on how male students can find pleasure from their own prostates and those of others. Entitled “The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure,” the workshop is conducted by “sexologist” Dr. Charlie Glickman who promises to demonstrate “how much fun prostate stimulation can be,” once certain exigent matters of personal hygiene have been attended to. Dr. Glickman elaborates on such topics as “tips [sic] for easy and pleasurable anal penetrations, prostate massage, which toys work best for prostate fun, and”—cut the crap, this lunatic was loose on the campus of old Brown. Imagine what creeps are at large at Harvard State University! At the University of Tennessee state funding for “Sex Week” has been pulled, though Dr. Glickman had been scheduled to lecture there. Yet state legislators vetoed the saturnalia when they heard it involved such public addresses as “Getting Laid,” “Sex Positivity,” “Queer as a Verb,” “How Many Licks Does It Take,” and, presumably for foreign students, “Bow Chicka Bow Woah.” Said state Senator Stacey Campfield, as she contemplated ending state funding of “Sex Week,” “We should be teaching these children what is important to learn so they can get jobs. I don’t know what jobs they plan on getting if they’re having seminars on oral sex and bondage. I don’t see how that will help someone in their professional career—unless they plan on becoming a porn star.” Please, Senator Campfield, these children have their dignity.
• Finally, in Saudi Arabia authorities are reportedly considering abolishing beheadings owing to a shortage of swordsmen. Volunteers may call the Ministry of Interior in Riyadh at 011-966-1-401-1844. Ask for Hershel.