March came in like a lion and went out like a lamb, but President Barack Obama entered the month and exited like a lamb. The strongest earthquake in 300 years struck Japan, causing extensive damage to that country's infrastructure, including its nuclear power plants, at least one of which threatened to contaminate the atmosphere. Instability addled the Arab world, and civil war broke out in Libya. At home no progress was made on the budget, but the president spent the weekend of March 12 golfing (the 61st outing of his presidency), going to the Gridiron Dinner, and preparing for his wife's anti-bullying seminar! On Friday, March 18, he sent our military into action over Libya and took off on a three-country Latin American trip with the wife, the two kids, and possibly the family dog. Yet there were ominous signs upon his return. He was filmed locked out of the Oval Office, and Congressman Dennis Kucinich spoke of his refusal to get Congress aboard on Libya as "impeachable." Not only that, but commentators began to take up the line that he is "the weakest president in history." Still, there are glad tidings from Serbia, where there may be a replacement for the magnetic Mr. Slobodan Milosevic. He is Mr. Miroslav Mandic and he actually is magnetic. Reportedly he can hang coins, spoons, and even portable telephones from his upper body through magnetic action. He could be the dictator for which Serbia yearns.
In Women's News, Miss Simona Sensual (née Simona Suhoi), 28, the Romanian callipygous cutie whose chirpy analysis of the news on Bucharest television has put her in the running to replace Miss Katie Couric, if the CBS superstar continues to stumble over such names as President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, may have stepped in it this time -- as the phrase has it in Romania. The Romanian blonde bombshell, who is amazingly well versed in the names of world leaders and boasts of knowing all 48 states in the United States, including Botswana, was arrested in downtown Bucharest for driving without a seatbelt, a driver's license, or even a caged chicken, as is the custom in Romania. She insisted in court that she was suffering a medical emergency brought on by her new breast implants, which she had recently purchased from a local toy store. "You see, I was having terrible pains in my chest. I think it was because of these new breasts implants," she said caressing her ample bosom. "I tried to get a taxi, but they were all busy so I jumped into the car and dashed for the clinic. I mean what was I to do?" Meanwhile, back in New York Miss Couric has hired a speech coach. In Florida, a 92-year-old beauty fired shots at a male neighbor who refused to kiss her. Miss Helen Staudinger, of Fort McCoy, was visiting Mr. Dwight Bettner, 53, when she apparently became sexually aroused. He told the temptress that he had a girlfriend, but she became importunate. The next thing Mr. Bettner knew, she was unloading her semi-automatic pistol at his house. No one was injured. Finally, Miss Tina Brown, the new editor of Newsweek, unveiled her first edition on This Week with Miss Christiane Amanpour. The special edition, featuring a theme, "150 Women Who Shake the World," and a cover, which apparently is an inflatable Secretary of State Hillary Clinton doll, was paid for by the 92-year-old businessman and philanthropist Dr. Sidney Harman, who in this case is mostly serving as a philanthropist. Miss Brown's last venture was the short-lived Talk magazine, which featured on its first cover the real Mrs. Clinton.
The House of Representatives, the Senate, and the White House continue to wrangle over the budget, with the House Republicans calling for $61 billion in cuts while the Senate Democrats plan to cut no more than $10 billion. Meanwhile, opportunities abound for government economies. On the evening of March 24, the lone air traffic controller on duty at Reagan Airport fell fast asleep, allowing two flights to land without incident, yet the oafish Secretary of Transportation Ray LaHood drew just the wrong conclusion. He promised to employ two night traffic controllers rather that scrap the superfluous one and allow incoming pilots to land using their modern instruments or just plain common sense. On the condom watch, Malaysian police have recovered 700,000 stolen condoms from a warehouse and a private home. They were allegedly being held with the intent of reselling them and not for religious purposes. Miss Kesha, the pop singer, has reportedly signed a contract to have her face appear on special LifeStyle condoms to be distributed free at her concerts. No word yet on sanitary napkins or typhoons. And there is no word yet on that mug commemorating the royal wedding that features the wrong prince. The mug, created by a Chinese company, Guandong Enterprises, features the faces of Miss Kate Middleton and of Prince Harry rather than Prince William. There is speculation among Royal watchers that it is a clever marketing ploy, but who knows? All Caucasians look the same over at Guandong Enterprises.
Disturbances rocked Algeria, Bahrain, Iran, Jordan, Saudi Arabia, and Yemen, and in China a man hired a gang of sledgehammer-wielding men to render his Lamborghini Gallardo L140 junk on World Consumer Rights Day. In Broward County, Florida, Mr. Thomas Bautista was arrested for sexually assaulting his roommate, Mr. Clemente Velasquez's Chihuahua without permission. Death took Miss Elizabeth Taylor, aged 79, and the top quarter of the front page of the New York Times, also nearly four full interior pages, were devoted to the historic culmination, despite uprisings in Arab world, war in Libya, and Japan's devastation. She also made the front page of the newspaper the next day, and executive editor Mr. Bill Keller disparages Fox News! Mr. Pinetop Perkins, the boogie-woogie master, passed away at 97, as did Mr. Warren Christopher, 85, long thought to be America's first female secretary of state. Finally, Mrs. Geraldine Ferraro, the richest women to run for vice president, gave up the ghost. She was worth $4 million back in 1984 when the Kultursmog was balling about her rags-to-riches travail.
In news from sacred Islam, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has assured followers that God has chosen his successor and the smart money is betting on a duck. A Boston man, Mr. Silvano Orsi, is suing Sheik Falah bin Zayed bin Sultan Al Nahyan, etc., the brother of the ruler of the United Arab Emirates, for libel in a dispute stemming from Mr. Orsi's rejection of the sheik's sexual advances in a Swiss hotel. Mr. Orsi termed the sheik's conduct as highly unethical and unhygienic. And here is a moral dilemma for you. Five teenage burglars stole property from a house in Silver Springs, Florida, including the ashes of the owner's father and of two dogs, which they mistook for cocaine and snorted without effect. Arrested shortly thereafter by authorities, the boys now are charged with burglary -- but what about possible drug violations? We shall be following this one carefully.
Finally, an anti-terrorist bomb squad in historic Petrozavodsk, Russia, was sent to a local post office to defuse a package emitting a ticking sound only to discover a vibrator running out of control in the package addressed to a local woman of easy virtue. No one was hurt. In Michigan, two young men who were ice fishing were attacked by a crazed 29-year-old woman who swatted them mightily about the head and shoulders with a fish when, as she reported to the startled police, they were slow "to turn their heads while she urinated." No charges were made. Yet there is good news. The North Dakota senate voted to order the University of North Dakota to keep its "Fighting Sioux" nickname. The politically correct NCAA has been thwarted!