Why, you may ask, are you publishing a dictionary to help decode President Obama's latest "jobs speech" the night after he gave it? The answer is based on the results of a poll by Kaminsky & Associates (polling methodology not disclosed) which asked, "When will you watch Barack Obama's latest 'jobs speech'?" The results were as follows:
While he is giving it: 4%
Recording it to watch later: 19%
Speech? What speech?: 18%
In other words, while more than three quarters of the population has either no interest in or knowledge of the speech, nearly five times as many people will watch/listen to the speech after having an opportunity to access this reference material as will watch it live. It is worth noting, as one digs into the details of the poll results (details not available to the public, of course) that of those who said they will be watching Obama's speech while he is giving it, 61% were members of Congress, 13% were columnists and television pundits, 9% were labor union leaders, and 15% changed their answers after learning that the first game of the NFL season began later the same evening.
The Devil's Dictionary, Obama Speech Edition
Abraham Lincoln: Not the founder of the Republican Party.
Basic protection(s): Any regulation(s) that Barack Obama believes will reduce the ability of financial, medical, or fossil fuel companies to earn a profit, especially any regulation based on the Progressive view that individual Americans are too stupid to be allowed to make our own decisions in the most important areas of our daily lives. Also, any regulation that strengthens the power of unions.
Different theory: Economic policy views supported by history, evidence, and research by Barack Obama's own (former) top economic advisor, but not supported by Barack Obama.
Doing nothing: If referencing a Republican-controlled chamber of Congress, not giving the president at least 90% of what he wants even while passing legislation. Not applicable to a Democrat-controlled chamber of Congress, even if not passing any legislation.
Fair shake: The additional amount of money the government can extract from society's most successful by turning success into a vice and lack of success into a virtue; similar to shakedown.
Fair share: More than you pay in taxes now, especially if you are in the top 1% of earners who already pay more in income taxes than the bottom 95% of taxpayers and who pay nearly twice as much as a share of taxes than they earn as a share of national income.
Fairness: A never-reached situation in which the "rich" are paying their Fair share and Warren Buffett is happy.
Help: Buy one group of Americans' votes with money earned by those who pay most federal income taxes by giving the latter group a Fair shake.
Jolt: A policy dramatic enough to increase Barack Obama's poll numbers. A cola I drank in college.
Listen to every new proposal: Tailor a bill based on "suggestions" from the head of the AFL-CIO, SEIU, or AFSCME; Suggestions from Republicans responded to with "I won."
Most fortunate: Hardest working, smartest, most entrepreneurial, most responsible for job creation, paying more than others in taxes, or being part of any other such category so deserving of income confiscation, over-regulation, union domination, or any other punishment the Obama Administration can implement over Republican opposition which is based on Rigid ideas.
Nothing controversial: Highly controversial.
Paid for: Funded by increasing Fairness. Spending increases and Fair Shakes implemented now with the net deficit theoretically funded by a promise of spending reductions later.
Payroll tax cut: A temporary benefit to some working Americans and businesses to be Paid for by creating a permanent penalty on other working Americans and businesses.
Political crisis: See "Urgent time for our country."
Right now: When to pass a "jobs bill," in which there is Nothing controversial, because we are in an Urgent time for our country.
Rigid idea: A position based on reading the plain text of the Constitution and thus not worthy of serious consideration, especially if it impedes Fairness or the implementation of Basic protections.
Sincerely believe: If referring to a Democrat, believe sincerely. If referring to a Republican, must be stupid or crazy to believe.
Tax loopholes; tax breaks: Advantages in the tax code that go to companies or people who do not share President Obama's goal of Fairness and who do not contribute enough to Democratic campaigns and thus must be shifted to the favor of those who do.
Urgent time for our country: A period during which Barack Obama's poll numbers are falling, causing him to fear that he will lose re-election and therefore that oceans may start to rise again.