The world's most wanted man and the world's most unwanted man were scurrying for cover in August. The world's most wanted man, Colonel Muammar Gaddafi, left his stronghold in Tripoli, fulminating threats and forgetting his tooth brush, to hole in a secure place under a rug in the desert. Meanwhile his daughter, Aisha, gave birth to her fourth child on August 30 in Algeria. As for the world’s most unwanted man, President Barack Obama, he left his safe house on Martha's Vineyard to show up on the evening of August 27 at a chaired meeting of the littleknown National Response Coordination Center (NRCC), where he presented himself to the American people as the Weather President and commanded the inclement elements to heal. It was his answer to events that took place during the extraordinary week of August 21. The week began with a rare East Coast earthquake, which measured 5.8 on the Richter scale near Washington and left cracks in the Washington monument, and continued with a hurricane roaring up the East Coast August 26 with 115 mph winds and rain. As this magazine has warned many times before, it is long since time to get Mother Nature before she gets us. The Weather President indeed! On August 30 he ambushed the Republicans by asking to appear before a joint session of Congress on September 7 to unveil his jobs plan and -- who knows? -- display some tomatoes from Mrs. Obama’s garden. Within hours he had to back down and accept the Republicans' invitation for the next day, opening day for the National Football League. Our President's puniness continues to shrink.
In Santa Cruz, California, what had been thitherto thought to be a very old barbecue site is now being claimed as a 6,000-year-old burial ground belonging to some long defunct American Indian tribe. Having discovered what they say is a partial skull or mandible of an ancient American Indian, protesters want construction halted at the California housing development that would have created 32 homes, all with indoor plumbing. Now the protesters want the area returned to its original sylvan condition. "All Cemeteries Are Sacred," read one protestor's sign, and "No Bulldozers On Sacred Ground," read another. Well, a barbecue pit is a pretty sacred thing too, and there were never any disgusting low-down protesters mulling about when the dump was just a barbecue pit. Lock those protesters up, and throw away the key. Progress marches on! In Rockhampton, Australia, investigators remain stumped as to how a simple portable toilet, complete with toilet paper and graffiti, could suddenly be weaponized at an antipodean air base and blow an unsuspecting occupant sky high. The turbulence occurred when a member of the Australian Air Force availed himself to the facilities, and kaboom. All hell broke loose. Presumably the Aussie lit a cigarette, igniting methane gas, which had accumulated in the belly of the beast. Yet there was no "No Smoking" sign posted, and where else is one to get a smoke nowadays? In sports news, former NBA great Mr. Javaris Crittenton has been charged with murder after an August 19 drive-by shooting, and the St. Louis Cardinals ace outfielder, Matt Holliday, had to leave a game with the Los Angeles Dodgers when a moth entered his right ear and could not be extricated.
Economic growth continues but at an anemic pace -- good news for the Europhile, President Barack Obama, but not so good for die-hard capitalists in the hard-pressed private sector. On August 26 the Commerce Department adjusted GDP growth for the second quarter down from 1.3 percent to 1 percent, and the University of Michigan consumer confidence index recorded the glummest level of consumer sentiment since November 2008 -- and we all know what happened in November 2008: The brightest candidate since Mr. Millard Fillmore was elected president of these United States. Still there is some auspicious news. Health experts at Columbia University’s Mailman School of Public Health predicted that half of all American men and women will be obese by 2030 if current trends continue. On the other hand, by 2030 the Mailman will probably be superannuated, and a country filled with Grover Clevelands, William Howard Tafts, and Chris Christies might be a very welcome sight even to health nuts. A New York Judge dismissed sexual-assault charges against the dropdead-beautiful ex-IMF chief, Mr. Dominique Strauss- Kahn. Now that sex-crazed maniac is free to resume his political career, running for the presidency of France and any cutie who happens to cross his lumbering path. His alleged victim, Miss Nafissatou Diallo, formerly a ravishing chambermaid at New York's Sofitil Hotel, is free to become a spokeswoman for the National Organization for Woman, speaking on college campuses or at the local rape crisis center, or possibly replacing Miss Barbara Walters on The View, ABC's public affairs program.
There is an opening at al Qaeda's number 2 position. The opening came when a CIA drone struck Mr. Atiyah Abd al-Rahman as he apparently tried to flick an insect from his person. Mr. Rahman was killed August 22 in scenic Waziristan, in the tribal northwest region of Pakistan, where he presided over the remnants of al Qaeda, knocking off local children's lemonade stands and stealing hubcaps. Al Qaeda has fallen on hard times since SEAL Team Six turned its leader, the Rev. Osama bin Laden, into a large facsimile of Swiss cheese. In Plymouth, England, Mr. Ryan Goodwin was given a suspended sentence for throwing his girl friend Sarah Symons's championship hamster out the window of a public-housing apartment where they apparently lived in an illicit sexual relationship. Moreover, Mr. Goodwin has a $110 per week marijuana habit and collects state benefits of $1,200 per month. District Judge Paul Farmer barred Mr. Ryan from owning animals for seven long years, even small insects. Said the judge, "If you hadbeen sent to prison today you could have no complaint. What you did was disgraceful." Though possibly Mr. Ryan thought the hamster could fly. After all, a weekly intake of $110 worth of cannabis do can wonders for the imagination. Mr. Arturas Zuokas, the get-tough mayor of Vilnius, Lithuania, has been filmed driving a huge armored vehicle across the roof of an illegally parked Mercedes-Benz. Afterward the no-nonsense mayor was filmed sweeping up glass from the wreckage and riding off on a bicycle, suggesting he has an ulterior motive. Is Mr. Zuokas another of those pestiferous bicycle riders?
President Barack Obama's approval rating slipped to a historic low of 38 percent, with 55 percent disapproving of him, according to a Gallup poll. Meanwhile, Governor Rick Perry of Texas entered the race for the Republican nomination, promptly pulling ahead of former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney. The oldest survivor of the Bataan Death March, Mr. Albert Brown, died at age 105, and the art world in Spring Hill, Tennessee, was in turmoil when one of its masters, Mr. Danny Torroll, was arrested for engaging in sex with a doll near the Allendale Elementary School. Mr. Torroll, the celebrated headmaster of the Danny Torroll Skool of Music and Art, said he was unaware that he was on school grounds and that he suffers from attention deficit disorder that makes it impossible for him to resist certain sexual impulses. His doll had holes drilled into it but was otherwise unharmed. Mr. Torroll is scheduled to appear in court September 2.
Finally there is more good news for the Obamas. President Obama's long-lost uncle, Uncle Omar, has been found. He was arrested outside the Chicken Bone Saloon in historic Framingham, Massachusetts, and he is an illegal alien -- another first for the Obamas! Only he comes from Kenya, not outer space.