Rumors of tonight's mystery speaker at the Republican National Convention have resolved themselves around the former mayor of Carmel, California. No, not the late Sonny Bono: Dirty Harry Callahan, aka Clint Eastwood.
Thanks to an inside source, we are able to release early the text of that speech, leaked to us by an almost reliable source.
Feelin' lucky, folks? Well, you should. We're standing here on the last night of the convention and we're sitting pretty. Our nominee, Mitt Romney, is running against the most beatable incumbent since Jimmy Carter. Matter of fact, this Obama guy makes the old peanut farmer look like a genius. Yes, Obama is that bad.
A man's gotta know what his limitations are. President Obama thinks he doesn't have any. Unfortunately for us and our allies, every jackass from Vladimir Putin to whichever Kim Whatever is ruling North Korea knows what Obama's limitations are. They only gave me five minutes to talk here, so I can't list them all. That would take hours.
So let's all make a vow to ourselves and our children right now. On November 6, let's all turn out to vote and get everyone we know to the polls even if we have to carry them on our backs. It will be a great day for America if we do that. So go ahead, friends. On November 6, go ahead: make my day.