Eminentoes

Eminentoes

What Makes Jon Stewart More Insufferable Than Bill Maher

By 10.3.14

Recently four members of that least-recognized Indian tribe “Redskins Nation” agreed to participate in a Daily Show segment discussing the controversy surrounding their team name. Their conversation with comedian Jason Jones was stretching into its third hour when eight Native American activists were suddenly brought out. The newcomers became vitriolic and one fan left the set crying, saying later that she’d felt threatened.

The Washingtonians told the Washington Post that they would have gladly agreed to debate a group of the Indians, but the show had said no such confrontation would occur. The producers lied, sprang an ambush, and laughed at the acrimony that followed.

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Bradley Manning Is Not a Victim of Cruel and Unusual Punishment

By 8.14.14

Is Bradley Manning suffering from vaginal dryness? Is his hair thinning out? Are his breasts getting smaller while his tummy swells like a gourd? How regular are his periods? What about his personality: is he behaving shrewishly toward his jailers at Fort Leavenworth, haranguing them about the toilet seat? The world wants to know. Or at least I do.

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The Unimportance of Being Earnest

By 8.8.14

I don’t mean to josh; I mean this in earnest. I think it is time to eliminate the office of White House press secretary. There is no point in having a permanent Commender-in-Chief to tell us how great a job the President is doing, without regard to reality, actuality, verity or accuracy.

This musing overtook me earlier this week as I watched the presiding plenipotentiary of the podium, Josh Earnest (I promise I am not making this name up), field a query about a contradiction between Second Term Obama and his popular predecessor, First Term Obama. Apparently old First Term was recorded saying he could not go about changing immigration law on his own because that power was reserved to Congress by the Constitution. However, Second Term has been saying that since Congress won’t do their job because they are busy trying to stop him from doing his job he must stop doing his job and do their job for them instead. For the uninitiated, this is the translation into Flapdoodle of promising to change immigration law by his lonesome.

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All Shook Up

By 7.9.14

Elvis Presley was first heard on radio 60 years ago on July 8, 1954. Presley sold over one billion record units worldwide — making him the best-selling solo artist in record industry history.

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Irreconcilable Similarities

By 5.6.14

News of the impending divorce of retired Episcopal Church Bishop Gene Robinson from Husband Mark Andrew swept into the papers this past weekend. In what was no doubt a pre-planned rollout, a statement was released to Robinson’s former diocese on a Saturday, followed by a guest column in the Daily Beast in which Robinson opined about the concluding relationship, which only became a legally recognized marriage in 2011.

“The details of our situation will remain appropriately private,” Robinson wrote in what is surely wishful thinking — apparently believing that his announcement justifies a column in a major online daily, but that it will go no further. Robinson is a public figure, his same-sex marriage a central part of his public ministry (and his book released last year). Episcopalians as a bunch love to talk, and all will eventually be made known.

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Last of the Mohicans, First of the Cantabrigians

By 4.18.14

Turning the tables remains the first refuge of liars called on their mendacity.

“I was hurt,” Elizabeth Warren relays in her new autobiography, “and I was angry.” The second-year senator speaks of her 2012 political opponent using her claims of Native American ancestry against her during the campaign. Elizabeth Warren could pass for Bull Connor’s sister. She couldn’t pass for Sitting Bull’s second cousin five times removed.

So when the 2012 debate descended into genealogists arguing over whether Warren’s great-great-great grandmother was or wasn’t partly Cherokee, the law-professor-turned-candidate winning the question meant that she had already lost it. How would American Indian blood running through such a distant forebear justify her touting herself as Harvard Law’s first tenured female minority?

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Nancy Pelosi Accepts Margaret Sanger Award

By 4.4.14

It sounds like a plot right out of The Screwtape Letters. Barack Obama was given a rosary from Pope Francis last week, blessed by the popular Holy Father. Not knowing what to do with a rosary, something compelled Obama to give it to his favorite Catholic: Nancy Pelosi.

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Deport Bieber

By 3.20.14

As mid-year elections approach, it’s unlikely that Congress will undertake any major effort to change the status quo as it pertains to immigration. The mere suggestion of a change to policy in the areas of border security, interdiction and enforcement, guest worker programs, visa requirements, deportation, and approval sends scads of well-meaning older adults to their phones and fax machines, intent on papering their legislative offices with as much outrage as they can muster between rounds of Wheel of Fortune.

But perhaps there’s a leap forward in immigration policy we can all support, left and right, young and old, those concerned with the future of rock and roll and those still concerned that Elvis once appeared on the Ed Sullivan Show with his hips in full swing. There’s a solution that could save our children, save our country, save our ear drums, and save our municipal law enforcement from drunken Ferrari drag racing for months.

America, it’s high time we deport Justin Bieber.

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Blaming Putin on Conservatives

By 3.11.14

The lackluster response of the Obama administration to Russia’s invasion of Ukraine has put liberals in desperation mode. Unable to defend their actions or lack thereof, liberals are now doing what they do best — blaming conservatives.

In this instance, liberals are claiming that conservatives are in love with Russian President Vladimir Putin. Within days, Isaac Chotiner of the New Republic, David Horsey of the Los Angeles Times,and “comedian” Jon Stewart were all claiming that Cupid had shot an arrow through the hearts of conservatives who are overwhelmed with a passion for Putin.

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Maria Cantwell Should Change Her Name

By 2.15.14

LYNDEN, Washington — In the last fortnight, Washingtonians have been basking in the effervescent glow of the Seahawks’ Super Bowl rout and showing the rest of the country that those World Trade Organization riots were an outside job.

On the night of the victory, Seattle partied just hard enough. Revelers and cops behaved themselves. These were mobs that waited for traffic lights. The city’s latte-sipping finest moved crowds along only when they got too out of hand.

Cops isolated too-wasted troublemakers and shoved them into taxis. There was little vandalism. Only a handful of arrests were made. Turnout for the Hawks’ homecoming parade shattered all expectations, in part because most principals let their kids out of school that day.

And how did Washington state’s junior senator decide to celebrate this historic victory? Through a spectacular display of bullying and poor sportsmanship.

“Sen. Maria Cantwell criticizes Redskins team name,” was the Seattle Times’s boringly misleading headline.

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