February passed and not a day too soon, though it being leap year February did include the customary 29th day. All hell broke out in Afghanistan when American soldiers, treating tainted copies of the Holy Koran as though they were mere Bibles, burned them without asking permission from a mullah or even from the pious Afghan down the hallway, quietly eating his meal of boiled socks. Indigenous galoots shot four NATO soldiers at their desks, and the whole country seemed to surge out of control. Our President issued his well-practiced and all-purpose apology, but the Afghan officials' only response was to demand the prosecution of the infidel arsonists and more foreign aid. Meanwhile, in Iraq car bombs kept going off in Shiite neighborhoods.
The Continuing Crisis
January vanished after consuming the usual 31 days, but not before President Barack Hussein Obama delivered his third State of the Union message to a packed House chamber that included Mr. Warren Buffett's secretary, the callipygian Ms. Debbie Bosanek, who pays a larger percentage in income tax than Mr. Buffett and is not even bitter about it. She earns a normal middle-class income of between $200,000 and $500,000, and Mr. Buffett, who brought her tax rate to the attention of the American people, is "sick and tired" of people looking into the anomalies of her income, her recreational pursuits, and her household pets. As for our President's speech, 27 percent of his audience tuned out after five minutes, many to TBS, USA, and ESPN, according to the Kantar Media report. The Kantar report had no information on how many of the wandering 27 percent left Mr. Obama for the pornographic network or even if there is a pornographic network.
Christmas was celebrated around the country with the usual demonstrations of secular piety against crèches, Menorahs, and even Santa Claus. The portly, barbigerous old gentlemen was hounded by local authorities for everything from drunk driving to even more terrifying infractions of the law. The baby Jesus was stolen from mangers around the country, and in Occupy Wall Street news four men wearing dark clothing and "hoodies" robbed a Salvation Army bell-ringer of his red kettle in North Canton, Ohio.
October has become a ghost, as is always the case on Halloween, and with October's passing Mr. Herman Cain resided atop most Republican presidential polls, putting the lie to any claims that the Tea Partiers are racists. The presidential race in 2012 could pit a Black Republican against a Black Democrat, putting the lie to the claim that Americans are racists. And right now most polls suggest the Black would win…the Black Republican, that is! As for the Black Democrat, he is casting his lot with the Occupy Wall Street crowd, as are most of the other leading Democrats--more proof of the Death of Liberalism. Precisely how President Barack Obama intends to side with the Occupiers presently organizing in little groups across the country is unclear. It is to be doubted that he will join with those in lower Manhattan who defecated on police cars. And it would be decidedly unpresidential to join with those in Madison, Wisconsin, who masturbated, presumably against capitalism but possibly in a positive fashion, say for world peace.
September and apparently the gloom continues over at the White House. Mrs. Michelle Obama was seen shopping at Target. The president's popularity is slipping even with blacks, as, according to a Washington Post-ABC news poll, only 58 percent view him favorably, down from 83 percent five months ago, and many of them say he is white. Finally, President Barack Obama betrayed signs of schizophrenia on September 29 when he told WESH-TV in Orlando, Florida, that "This is a great, great country that had gotten a little soft, and didn't have that same competitive edge that we needed over the last couple of decades. We need to get back on track." Then he said, "I would not trade our position with anybody on Earth. We still have the best universities, the best scientists, best workers in the world; the most dynamic economic system in the world." Now if the Republicans can only nominate…
The world's most wanted man and the world's most unwanted man were scurrying for cover in August. The world's most wanted man, Colonel Muammar Gaddafi, left his stronghold in Tripoli, fulminating threats and forgetting his tooth brush, to hole in a secure place under a rug in the desert. Meanwhile his daughter, Aisha, gave birth to her fourth child on August 30 in Algeria. As for the world’s most unwanted man, President Barack Obama, he left his safe house on Martha's Vineyard to show up on the evening of August 27 at a chaired meeting of the littleknown National Response Coordination Center (NRCC), where he presented himself to the American people as the Weather President and commanded the inclement elements to heal. It was his answer to events that took place during the extraordinary week of August 21. The week began with a rare East Coast earthquake, which measured 5.8 on the Richter scale near Washington and left cracks in the Washington monument, and continued with a hurricane roaring up the East Coast August 26 with 115 mph winds and rain. As this magazine has warned many times before, it is long since time to get Mother Nature before she gets us.
Readers of this magazine have noticed for months that something has been missing. They are connoisseurs of the printed word and recognize that this magazine stands almost alone in defending good prose, careful argument, and claptrap. The latter we celebrate from our distinctive position as anthropologists of the absurd.
May is history and with it goes Memorial Day 2011, but not before President Barack Obama golfed for the 70th time in his 28-month-long presidency. He hustled over to lay a wreath on the Tomb of the Unknown Soldier in Arlington National Cemetery and then it was off to the links. Perhaps he was golfing to solemnize all the country’s golfers who have served in foreign wars. Perhaps it was to honor his predecessor in the realm of underappreciated presidents, Warren Gamaliel Harding. Harding golfed and played poker with his cronies. President Obama does not play poker with his cronies but he does play the occasional game of basketball. Both President Obama and President Harding, as with President Bill Clinton, have had bossy wives. On the day his wife, Michelle, unveiled a new USDA guide for healthful eating, the president assaulted two chili dogs and fries at Rudy’s Hot Dog eatery in downtown Toledo, Ohio. When he got home all hell broke loose.
April passes, but stop the presses! The very next day, on May 1, Mr. Osama bin Laden was shot in the head at a rather posh hideaway in glitzy Abbottabad, Pakistan, just a stone's throw from a Pakistani military academy. SEAL Team Six did not throw any stones at the Pakistani academy, but it did helicopter in and out of Osama's pad in less than 40 minutes, taking a limp Osama with them and leaving the place in a heap. Osama acted heroically, trying to use one of his wives as a shield, but for naught. She too was shot. President Barack Obama announced the happy news to the nation on the evening of May 1, though there were some slight embarrassments. The oaf Mr. Geraldo Rivera employed the ultimate malapropism. Instead of reporting, "Osama is dead," he blurted out, "Obama is dead." Then Mr. Rick Santelli yawped similarly and Mr. John Harwood too. Soon much of the Washington press corps was Tweeting "Obama" when they meant "Osama." Poor Mr. Obama. Looking back on it all, would it not have been better had he kept the name Barry Obama or better yet Barry O'Bama? Yet, on the question of Mr. Osama's whereabouts this past decade, I too was wrong.
March came in like a lion and went out like a lamb, but President Barack Obama entered the month and exited like a lamb. The strongest earthquake in 300 years struck Japan, causing extensive damage to that country's infrastructure, including its nuclear power plants, at least one of which threatened to contaminate the atmosphere. Instability addled the Arab world, and civil war broke out in Libya. At home no progress was made on the budget, but the president spent the weekend of March 12 golfing (the 61st outing of his presidency), going to the Gridiron Dinner, and preparing for his wife's anti-bullying seminar! On Friday, March 18, he sent our military into action over Libya and took off on a three-country Latin American trip with the wife, the two kids, and possibly the family dog. Yet there were ominous signs upon his return. He was filmed locked out of the Oval Office, and Congressman Dennis Kucinich spoke of his refusal to get Congress aboard on Libya as "impeachable." Not only that, but commentators began to take up the line that he is "the weakest president in history." Still, there are glad tidings from Serbia, where there may be a replacement for the magnetic Mr.