The Continuing Crisis

The Continuing Crisis

The Continuing Crisis

By From the September 2012 issue

As July slipped away, the 2012 Olympic Games began in London with a four-hour opening ceremony that included the Queen wearing a very tasteful hat and thousands of the Games’ participants—including participants in the equestrian events, though not their horses. The horses will probably be saved for the next Olympiad in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, where participants will, for the first time, include tiddlywinks flippers and shoppers at Walmart. In years to come, car bombers, fashioners of Improvised Explosive De vices (IEDs), and airplane hijackers may be included in the Olympic events. This year’s games woefully underrepresented pietists from Holy Islam.

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The Continuing Crisis

The Continuing Crisis

By From the July - Aug 2012 issue

May was put to death by the Dow Jones industrial average, which sank into the red for the year after the third straight monthly jobs report of poor growth (69,000 net new jobs), a downward adjustment in Gross Domestic Product for the first quarter to 1.9 percent, and word that President Barack Obama still will not retire. The month began with President Obama losing 41 percent of the West Virginia primary vote to Mr. Keith Judd, an inmate in the Federal Correctional Institution in Texarkana, Texas, who wears a foot-long mullet and is serving 210 months for extortion, and ended with someone by the name of Mr. John Wolfe grabbing 42 percent of the vote in Arkansas’ Democratic primary. Mr. Obama got 58 percent, but then Mr. Judd was not running in Arkansas. The American electorate seems to fear the economy is resiling into recession, and, we shall pronounce again, the November 6 presidential election will be a mere formality. As I have prognosticated in my new book, The Death of Liberalism, Mr. Mitt Romney will be elected president in the autumn, and Mr. Obama will be raising funds for his presidential library to be built in Blue Island, Illinois.

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The Continuing Crisis

The Continuing Crisis

By From the June 2012 issue

April dovetailed nicely into May, and I waited patiently for May 8 to come around, and with it the publication of my new book, The Death of Liberalism. It is very sad for some people. In Cartagena on April 15, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton was spotted at the Café Havana, dancing tipsily and downing beer from the bottle. There was no sign of husband Bill anywhere, and for that matter the entire Infantile Left seems to have gone underground. What they will find underground is unclear. Possibly they will encounter former senator John Edwards concealing himself from those sex tapes of him and his former paramour Miss Rielle Hunter, or former congressman Anthony Weiner preparing a chaste return to public life, possibly as a nun. Perhaps they are all moving to Nantes, France. There an entrepreneur anticipating the hard times facing formerly alive Liberals has established in an 18th century villa, the Villa Hamster. In it Mr. Yann Falquerho treats guests as though they were hamsters, putting them in cages rather than rooms, giving them hay stacks for beds, and running them on human-sized wheels. Mr.

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The Continuing Crisis

The Continuing Crisis

By From the May 2012 issue

March came in like the proverbial lamb and vamoosed like a lion, gnawing on our Nobel Laureate’s remaining policies before he is defenestrated in November. His budget was defeated on the floor of the House of Representatives, by 414-0. The White House could not even find a night janitor to support the legislation, not even a homeless person. In all, five alternative budgets were defeated in the House before the Hon. Paul Ryan presented a perfectly sensible budget for fiscal year 2013, and it triumphed, 228-191. Now it will proceed to the Senate where it will be the target of spitballs and other abuse from the Democratic majority that has not passed a budget in years while insisting the House is the “Do Nothing Congress.” Our President’s other monstrosity that got a good late-March gnawing was Obamacare. It was taken up in six hours of hearings before the Supreme Court, where the five Republican justices raised troubling questions about the bill’s constitutionality, severability, and the fact that it consumed 2,700 pages, though no one outside of a booby hatch can admit to having read it in toto.

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The Continuing Crisis

The Continuing Crisis

By From the April 2012 issue

February passed and not a day too soon, though it being leap year February did include the customary 29th day. All hell broke out in Afghanistan when American soldiers, treating tainted copies of the Holy Koran as though they were mere Bibles, burned them without asking permission from a mullah or even from the pious Afghan down the hallway, quietly eating his meal of boiled socks. Indigenous galoots shot four NATO soldiers at their desks, and the whole country seemed to surge out of control. Our President issued his well-practiced and all-purpose apology, but the Afghan officials' only response was to demand the prosecution of the infidel arsonists and more foreign aid. Meanwhile, in Iraq car bombs kept going off in Shiite neighborhoods.

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The Continuing Crisis

The Continuing Crisis

By From the March 2012 issue

January vanished after consuming the usual 31 days, but not before President Barack Hussein Obama delivered his third State of the Union message to a packed House chamber that included Mr. Warren Buffett's secretary, the callipygian Ms. Debbie Bosanek, who pays a larger percentage in income tax than Mr. Buffett and is not even bitter about it. She earns a normal middle-class income of between $200,000 and $500,000, and Mr. Buffett, who brought her tax rate to the attention of the American people, is "sick and tired" of people looking into the anomalies of her income, her recreational pursuits, and her household pets. As for our President's speech, 27 percent of his audience tuned out after five minutes, many to TBS, USA, and ESPN, according to the Kantar Media report. The Kantar report had no information on how many of the wandering 27 percent left Mr. Obama for the pornographic network or even if there is a pornographic network.

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The Continuing Crisis

The Continuing Crisis

By From the February 2012 issue

Christmas was celebrated around the country with the usual demonstrations of secular piety against crèches, Menorahs, and even Santa Claus. The portly, barbigerous old gentlemen was hounded by local authorities for everything from drunk driving to even more terrifying infractions of the law. The baby Jesus was stolen from mangers around the country, and in Occupy Wall Street news four men wearing dark clothing and "hoodies" robbed a Salvation Army bell-ringer of his red kettle in North Canton, Ohio.

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The Continuing Crisis

The Continuing Crisis

By From the December 2011 - January 2012 issue

October has become a ghost, as is always the case on Halloween, and with October's passing Mr. Herman Cain resided atop most Republican presidential polls, putting the lie to any claims that the Tea Partiers are racists. The presidential race in 2012 could pit a Black Republican against a Black Democrat, putting the lie to the claim that Americans are racists. And right now most polls suggest the Black would win…the Black Republican, that is! As for the Black Democrat, he is casting his lot with the Occupy Wall Street crowd, as are most of the other leading Democrats--more proof of the Death of Liberalism. Precisely how President Barack Obama intends to side with the Occupiers presently organizing in little groups across the country is unclear. It is to be doubted that he will join with those in lower Manhattan who defecated on police cars. And it would be decidedly unpresidential to join with those in Madison, Wisconsin, who masturbated, presumably against capitalism but possibly in a positive fashion, say for world peace.

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The Continuing Crisis

The Continuing Crisis

By From the November 2011 issue

September and apparently the gloom continues over at the White House. Mrs. Michelle Obama was seen shopping at Target. The president's popularity is slipping even with blacks, as, according to a Washington Post-ABC news poll, only 58 percent view him favorably, down from 83 percent five months ago, and many of them say he is white. Finally, President Barack Obama betrayed signs of schizophrenia on September 29 when he told WESH-TV in Orlando, Florida, that "This is a great, great country that had gotten a little soft, and didn't have that same competitive edge that we needed over the last couple of decades. We need to get back on track." Then he said, "I would not trade our position with anybody on Earth. We still have the best universities, the best scientists, best workers in the world; the most dynamic economic system in the world." Now if the Republicans can only nominate…

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The Continuing Crisis

The Continuing Crisis

By From the October 2011 issue

The world's most wanted man and the world's most unwanted man were scurrying for cover in August. The world's most wanted man, Colonel Muammar Gaddafi, left his stronghold in Tripoli, fulminating threats and forgetting his tooth brush, to hole in a secure place under a rug in the desert. Meanwhile his daughter, Aisha, gave birth to her fourth child on August 30 in Algeria. As for the world’s most unwanted man, President Barack Obama, he left his safe house on Martha's Vineyard to show up on the evening of August 27 at a chaired meeting of the littleknown National Response Coordination Center (NRCC), where he presented himself to the American people as the Weather President and commanded the inclement elements to heal. It was his answer to events that took place during the extraordinary week of August 21. The week began with a rare East Coast earthquake, which measured 5.8 on the Richter scale near Washington and left cracks in the Washington monument, and continued with a hurricane roaring up the East Coast August 26 with 115 mph winds and rain. As this magazine has warned many times before, it is long since time to get Mother Nature before she gets us.

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