MAY GAVE WAY to June, though for some shivering Americanos it felt more like November. Global Warmists were driven into hiding in the northeastern United States, where temperatures dropped to below freezing. In the Adirondacks, scoffers at Global Warming delighted in a three-foot snowfall, and some invited the Warmists up to hunt with them for the Abominable Snowman. Yet the Warmists are not so easily amused, and one of their stalwarts, none other than the president of the United States, one-upped every law-abiding American on May 23 by declaring the war on terror all but over. Moreover, he pronounced himself, Barack the Terrible, the winner—and he may give himself a Medal of Honor or at least a Purple Heart for having sat through the killing of the Rev. Osama Bin Laden that afternoon in the Situation Room. “This war, like all wars, must end,” he crooned. “That’s what history advises. That’s what our democracy demands.” Yes, yes, and our democracy demanded that the Cold War end four-and-a-half decades after it began and the Thirty Years War end thirty years after it began and the Hundred Years War end 100 years after it began and—oh forget about it.
The Continuing Crisis
April is no more and on comes May with good news for Our President. Just as sequestration began to bite, Holy Islam’s barbigerous inmates, incarcerated in tropical Guantanamo with all expenses paid, have gone on a hunger strike! At least half of the boys have given up solid foods, even desserts! Many are not even brushing their teeth, and some are refusing to flush the toilet. What does it all mean? Considerable savings for the federal government, and a big help with sequestration for our Muslim-educated president.
MARCH CAME IN like a lamb and went out like a lamb. That was the good news of Global Warming! Also the most feeble of all modern economic recoveries continues. In the 45 months since the recession ended job creation has averaged 113,000 fewer jobs per month than in a normal recovery. President Barack Obama is right on target. This recovery has almost no carbon footprint whatsoever, actually almost no carbon! Well done, Mr. President, and now this ridiculous stone head has proclaimed April “National Financial Capability Month.” His White House is organizing workshops to train the youths of the land on “how to budget responsibly.” As for the federal budget, it has increased the national debt by $53,377 per household.
February approached extinction, and the country approached “sequestration” just as the courts closed down Ray’s Hell-Burger restaurant, a favorite dining spot of President Barack Obama, Vice President Joe Biden, and even Russia’s Dmitry Medvedev when he is in town and he is president. Mr. Michael Landrum, the restaurant’s owner, owed more than $39,000 in unpaid rent and damages, and that extra $18,000 tacked on by Arlington County General District Court did not help. Ray’s Hell-Burger Too [sic], sometimes referred to as Nice ’n’ Greasy Steak ’n’ Cheesy, is also no more, so it is not clear where our president will get his infusion of cholesterol. Certainly his wife, the callipygous Michelle, will not give it to him, and in fact adamantly opposes such viands. So it is back to the drawing board, Barack, just as it is back to the drawing board with his delusional State of the Union message. In that bouillabaisse of an oration, it sounded as though President Franklin Delano Roosevelt had just been elected president rather than Mr. Obama, the client of a bankrupt hamburger stand.
JANUARY GOES poof, poof, and leaves 2012 even further behind. Our Third World president, Mr. Barack Hussein Obama, took his second oath of office privately—almost secretively—on January 20 in a very eerie setting with just the chief justice and a few family members standing alongside his ever-present Secret Service detail. A more public ceremony took place the next day, though the crowd was exiguous by comparison with the vast throng of meatheads that turned out in 2009, and it was subdued. The second ceremony was an occasion for still more threats to prosperous Americans and promises to mulct them still more in the years ahead. By month’s end President Obama was reaping the consequences of his economic fantasies. The unemployment rate inched up to 7.9 percent, and growth actually shrank in the final months of 2012 by 0.1 percent, signaling continued stagnation and quite possibly a return to recession.
December goes poof taking the entire year of 2012 with it. Good riddance! Now our gaunt, humorless, Teleprompter-reading president threatens to make Senator Jean-François Kerry secretary of state, replacing Mrs. Hillary Rodham Clinton, who observed much of the month with a concussion. Just as the American people came to believe that the roguery of the 1960s kids had about played itself out, President Barack Obama—himself a product of 1960s incivism—is apparently about to invite the fantastico from Massachusetts to take over the State Department and—who knows—perhaps renew his negotiations with the North Vietnamese that he let lapse back in 1970 or bargain with his erstwhile friend President Bashar al-Assad, whom he once termed a generous man. Senator Kerry visited with Mr. Assad five times before the Syrian strongman slaughtered 60,000 of his countrymen.
October closed, but we thought we ought to hold this department open until November 6, Election Day, to tell you the good news: President Barack Obama lost. Alas, history is full of surprises, and he won. Yet the election was not a total surprise. The Prophet won with 9 million votes fewer than in 2008. Where have all the Obama maniacs gone? In fact, Senator John McCain in 2008 almost surpassed the president in 2012. Socialism is moribund, and Liberalism is dead. It costs too much in terms of freedom and deficits. Conservatism continues to plateau upwards. In 2010 conservatism reached a peak. In 2012 it plateaued. In 2014 it will continue to expand. Liberalism is dead. Simply put, it spent itself to death. President Obama presides over the bankruptcy of America. The Death of Liberalism remains valid. And in Loveland, Colorado, an Obama reelection canvasser while supposedly placing an Obama sticker on a woman’s blouse “grabbed” her breast. He is charged with unlawful sexual contact, and police are investigating. Mr. Obama may have the women’s vote but not their breasts.
September made way for October, but not before it gave us its very own September Surprise! Sure, President Barack H. Obama promised in 2009 that unemployment would by now be 5.6 percent thanks to his $830 billion stimulus. It is at 8.1 percent. He promised that the deficit would be cut in half. Alas, the deficit is twice the size that it was in 2008 and metastasizing. He said that owing to his magical health care plan, premiums for a typical family would be cut “by up to $2,500 a year.” Premiums for employer-sponsored family packages have ballooned by $2,370, with no sign of a decrease. Then, too, there was the solemn presidential promise of a growing Gross Domestic Product. It is stumbling along at 1.3 percent, and economist Mr. David Malpass is predicting a recession in 2013, a forecast with which the Congressional Budget Office is agreeing. So on the economy Mr. Obama is, shall we say, in the dark.
As July slipped away, the 2012 Olympic Games began in London with a four-hour opening ceremony that included the Queen wearing a very tasteful hat and thousands of the Games’ participants—including participants in the equestrian events, though not their horses. The horses will probably be saved for the next Olympiad in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil, where participants will, for the first time, include tiddlywinks flippers and shoppers at Walmart. In years to come, car bombers, fashioners of Improvised Explosive De vices (IEDs), and airplane hijackers may be included in the Olympic events. This year’s games woefully underrepresented pietists from Holy Islam.