We beat the gormless bastards! At last a taste of victory has passed our lips, with a great, stonking win for UKIP! The night results were announced was one for the history books. Everyone at the party was decked out in purple. I must’ve had fifteen bacon rolls, six or seven cartons of fags, and at least twenty pints. We were beyond pissed, beyond blotto, beyond squiffed—I do believe we were quite positively trolleyed.
I know, I know…what are a few more European Parliament seats? It’s not as if we’ve chased the EU’s wispy gremlin of a president, Herman Van Rompuy, into hiding, or even so much as marked the datebook for a referendum on membership. Nothing, at bottom, has yet been achieved. But can you blame us for celebrating? This is the most nothing we’ve accomplished in twenty years of arduous labour!
United Kingdom Independence Party