The Bootblack Stand

The Bootblack Stand

Of Winning Chaps and Wagging Dogs

By From the July/August 2014 issue

Mr Plunkitt—

We beat the gormless bastards! At last a taste of victory has passed our lips, with a great, stonking win for UKIP! The night results were announced was one for the history books. Everyone at the party was decked out in purple. I must’ve had fifteen bacon rolls, six or seven cartons of fags, and at least twenty pints. We were beyond pissed, beyond blotto, beyond squiffed—I do believe we were quite positively trolleyed.

I know, I know…what are a few more European Parliament seats? It’s not as if we’ve chased the EU’s wispy gremlin of a president, Herman Van Rompuy, into hiding, or even so much as marked the datebook for a referendum on membership. Nothing, at bottom, has yet been achieved. But can you blame us for celebrating? This is the most nothing we’ve accomplished in twenty years of arduous labour!

Nigel Farage
United Kingdom Independence Party


Mr. Farage—

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The Bootblack Stand

The Bootblack Stand

By From the June 2014 issue

P—Yes, a few weeks ago, I did tell the U.S. Hispanic Chamber of Commerce that the president has basically put me in charge of the Western Hemisphere. And yes, I did tell the annual conference of the National Association of Dental Hygienists that in a past life I was a Mexican professional wrestler named Trucho Graciarse. And yes, I did announce on Meet the Press that Democrats should abide by the line of succession and recognize John Boehner as president in the event that Barack and I get raptured. And you know what else? You can’t stop me. Biden’s gonna say what Biden’s gonna say. The DNC can set up a trebuchet and fling two hundred sweetlegs PR floozies over the Naval Observatory fence, but ain’t nothing gonna change one fact: The Bidenmobile’s on a roll. Choo! Choo! Next stop, 2016-ville. Keep your arms and legs inside the compartment. And remember: In the event of a water landing, you can use me as a flotation device, America.
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The Bootblack Stand

The Bootblack Stand

By From the May 2014 issue

George—Us athletes have had it up to here. We work hard to practice and play while our schools make tons of money. Some of us do really good in classes and graduate and get jobs with personal training and sports medicine. And we deserve to be paid and join a unison for collectible bargaining. Not so much everybody, but mens basket ball and mens foot ball for sure. How can people think we don’t? Its just incomprehenstible.Sven UlrichPower ForwardHarvard Crimson BasketballMr. Ulrich—A compelling case, if me do say so myself! You can start at the federal minimum wage of $2.13 per hour, plus tips. But I must say that I do have concerns about college athlete unison membership—of, in effect, allowing sports Teamsters to turn On the Waterfront into
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The Bootblack Stand

The Bootblack Stand

By From the April 2014 issue

Meezter Plunkitt—Russkiyes haf at loong last had zair time in sun: In recent games, ve von sirty-sree metals to United States’ tventy-eight. As yoo might say in American trash talk…booyah babushka!But vaat to do vis meeself now? Olympics haf left Sochi, and vis zem also vent telly cameras. My ministeers must arrange for family of zeremony leaders extra rations, and for man responsible on snowflake ring malfunction swift execution. Ve must steel cure peenkeye zat yoor Bob Costas has spread to haf of prostitutes in Krasnodar Krai.I fear, zough, zat yoor media veel only vant to talk about von sing: zose dispeecible harpies in zat rock band, Vagina Uproar. I veel get no credit for my restraint zees past veeks. I did not arrest von of American homosexicles, not even zees loazsome Brian Boitano.Putin Vlady—
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The Bootblack Stand

Of Chocolate and Cheez Wiz

By From the March 2014 issue

Mr. Plunkitt—People freaked a few weeks ago when I pointed out that Republicans have a hard time in New York. Granted, my phrasing might’ve been a bit indelicate, but this phony outrage is unwarranted. I feel like doubling down.You don’t like our tax rates? Get out. Don’t think a woman should have the right to choose reproductive—oh, wait, what’s that sound I hear? Oh, yeah, it’s the New Jersey Turnpike calling your name. Enjoy Florida. Hope you get eaten by an alligator or an oil slick-mutated manatee.Don’t like rent control? Fine. Go pierce your nose 50 times and live in a bombed out creperie in Mogadishu. Don’t need you. Won’t miss you. Have fun picking land mine shrapnel out of your sorry keister with only a pen knife and a pair of takeout chopsticks.
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The Bootblack Stand

The Bootblack Stand

By From the January-February 2014 issue

Mr. Plunkitt—The press has latched on to my announcement that Amazon plans to use drones for delivery, but I don’t think they’ve quite grasped the significance. By stationing pods of the small aircraft throughout major metropolitan areas, we can get average delivery time down to about two minutes. Imagine the possibilities! About to be in a bar fight? Order the Terminator 15,000,000 V Stun Gun with LED Flashlight on Amazon for only $8.50—we’ll have it there before the first punch is thrown.And really, we offer an incredible selection of products. A plastic carton filled with 1,500 live ladybugs! A Sigmund Freud action figure! A 55-gallon drum of water-based lubricant! Inflatable plastic toast! A yodeling pickle! Four ounces of pure coyote urine!What conceivable use would anybody have for this stuff? Who the hell knows! The point is that they can get it right now.Jeff BezosAmazon CEOMr. Bezos—
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The Bootblack Stand

Of Condiments and Redskins

By From the December 2013 issue

Dear Mr. Plunkitt—

I went to Healthcare.gov to see what all the fuss was about. Big mistake. First of all, by accident I initially typed in Healthcare.lov, which—lo and behold!—hosts an explicit website for those who find amorous appeal in stethoscopes and inflating blood pressure armbands. When I finally got to the correct website, I entered some very private information (yes, I still smoke at least a pack a day, but Michelle cannot find out and this is said in confidence, Mr. Plunkitt, not for publication), but when I clicked “submit” it just disappeared into the ether. So I tried the 1-800 enrollment number instead. My call was put through to an unhelpful but extremely enthusiastic “navigator,” who told me he would guide me through the signup process like Ferdinand Magellan. I didn’t have the heart to enlighten him that Magellan was impaled by eskimos or zulus or something like that.

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The Bootblack Stand

Of Dibs and Davises

By From the November 2013 issue

Dr. George Washington Plunkitt, our prize-winning political analyst, has recently retired from a staff position with the House Ethics Committee and is working on his memoirs. But he has graciously consented to once again advise American statesmen in these times of trouble. Address all correspondence to plunkitt@spectator.org


Dr. Plunkitt—

A foreign leader is blithely discarding international norms, and the United States must send a message that this is not acceptable. Yes, I’m talking about Gurbanguly Berdimuhamedow, the president of Turkmenistan. A few weeks ago, at a summit on climate change, we were heading for the same UN towncar, and Mr. Berdimuhamedow got into the front seat—even though I had already called “shotgun.”  We cannot stand idly by and allow strongmen on the world stage to trample the international rules of dibs!

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The Bootblack Stand

Of Sphinx and Stephanopoulos

By From the October 2013 issue

Our prize-winning political analyst answers questions from Cory Booker, Reince Priebus, President Obama, and Egypt's tourism minister.
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