Politics

Is Hillary About to Get Rahm’ed?

By on 4.13.15 | 4:16PM

She's been on the campaign trail for less than 24 hours, but already the media has been unable to find the actual "van" Hillary is traveling in, people on Facebook are beginning to notice that she might have dyed her eyebrows for the occasion, and Hillary is having a tough time rounding up support from fellow New York politicians for her bid for the Democratic Presidential nomination. 

I'm not sure about the eyebrows, honestly, and I tend to think this road trip is underwhelming (don't people typically stop at more than gas stations on a road trip? Wouldn't a Hillary Clinton tour of roadside attractions like the World's Largest Frying Pan and the Duct Tape Capitol of the World be social media gold?), but the last one is what really has me worried - or, at least, it would have me worried if I were suddenly knocked unconscious by a falling rock and woke up thinking I was Chelsea: prominent New York Democrats like NYC Mayor Bill De Blasio and governor Andrew Cuomo have yet to say whether they're on board the Hillary van

Marco Rubio Is Running for President, Too, You Guys

By on 4.13.15 | 11:55AM

I kind of feel bad for Marco Rubio. Four years ago, he was definitely a thing. Nice guy, cute wife, lovely family, good backstory, conservative yet acceptably well-thought-out positions on key issues, and the kind of fighting spirit that made you think that he was uniquely qualified to lead the next generation of Republicans in Congress. 

And then Ted Cruz got elected.

I'm not saying that one is particularly better than the other, but Marco Rubio has been overshadowed as of late by sparklier stars. Where he was once a hot commodity, he'snow been relegated to that speaking slot at CPAC that happens before everyone's morning coffee, and while reporters in the audience are still trying to piece together the night before. He's a good guy, and he'd be a great candidate for President - if we could turn back the clock and let him "do over" the last few years. 

Regardless of time traveling ability, however, he's thrown his hat into the ring.

Hillary Clinton Party Van En Route to Iowa

By on 4.13.15 | 11:32AM

I have to take a moment to apologize, readers. When I wrote about how Hillary Clinton was goingto "normalize" herself in an effort to connect with the real folk who will one day be browbeaten enough to vote for her, I assumed that she would do normal, politics-y things like talk about her favorite cookie recipe that she's never baked once and stole from the back of a bag of semi-sweet chocolate chips, or chat about her morning Sun Salutations and raw kale smoothies in a joint interview with Kate Hudson in SELF. 

I underestimated the commitment here. 

Instead, Hillary Clinton is embarking on a cross-country roadtrip. In a van. Called "Scooby." 

Because, obviously.

Clinton left Sunday on a road trip from her home in Chappaqua, New York, in a van headed for Iowa, home of the nation’s first presidential caucuses.

Hillary Clinton (Finally) Announces Presidential Campaign ‘For the People’

By on 4.12.15 | 3:53PM

Guess what guys? Hillary Clinton is running for President! 

I am absolutely floored, as I know you are. Today, several hours later than originally planned (isn't is just like a woman to be late to her own Presidential campaign announcement? har.), Hillary Clinton released a two-minute video called "Getting Started," and a logo that, by the looks of it, was made using Microsoft Paint and some clip art of the internationally-recognized symbol for "hospital."

In the video, regular people explain their regular problems to other regular people who have other regular problems. At the end, Hillary Clinton herself announces (in front of her $2 million New York mansion, of course), that the people need a champion, and thanks to the outpouring of support and expectation from exactly no one, she knows that she is that champion

Biden Steals Baby’s Pacifier Because Of Course He Did

By on 4.10.15 | 12:25PM

With the Hillary Clinton announcement looming, it's almost as though a personal dream is dying. Obviously, when the woman who is owed at least Quixotic shot at the Presidency, having been bested by a first-term Senator from a flyover state only a few short years ago, enters the race, the man, the myth and the legend, Mr. Joe Biden, will likely have to bow out.

This is disappointing on so many levels. First, the bumper sticker that reads "I'm Ridin' With Biden" that I bought from the Draft Biden campaign will now look more like a relic of a bygone era. Second, Joe Biden will never get to buy that campaign Corvette Z06 that he's been looking forward to since he first got into this game. And third, we're going to miss so many fantastic political moments, like that time Joe Biden took a pacifier from a former NYC mayor's grandson and sucked it in his face. 

Hillary Clinton Will Announce Sunday. On Twitter. Probably

By on 4.10.15 | 12:06PM

Last night, the Guardian broke some Very Important News: that, cognisant of the incredible outpouring of love and support for Ted Cruz and Rand Paul, both of whom are clearly anti-woman, Hillary Clinton feels that she must enter the race sooner than later. Despite running behind nearly every Republican in nearly every poll, the nation is clamoring for her ancient, sage wisdom, her dedicated foreign policy leadership and a reminder of times gone by, when comprehensive healthcare overhauls failed and First Families hurled bedside lamps instead of wilting vegetables.

So, this weekend, Hillary Clinton will take to Twitter and announce her candidacy in 140 characters or less, en route to her first campaign stop in Iowa.

Hillary Clinton is expected to officially declare her candidacy for president on 'Sunday afternoon,' according to a Democratic Party source in Iowa. 

Hillary Clinton Hires Makeup Artists, “Relatability Consultants”

By on 4.9.15 | 4:02PM

I think, if there were another job in politics I'd like to have, aside from the digital communications aspect, it would be as a "campaign stylist." In that role, you get to tell the candidate what to wear, who to talk to, how to do their hair and makeup, and you get to be endlessly critical all while earning a paycheck (and probably looking like the tyrannical dance teacher on Dance Moms, to boot). 

Hillary Clinton, not known for being quite the woman of the people her dire bank account situation post-Presidency should suggest she is, has brought on not just one stylist, but a team of people whose entire job it is to transform Hillary Clinton into something the public thinks resembles an actual human being.

Having helped shape Mrs. Obama’s public image into that of an accessible everywoman, Ms. Schake is about to face what may be her toughest challenge yet: working to get another first lady, Hillary Rodham Clinton, elected president.

Lincoln Chafee Wants to Challenge Hillary Clinton

By on 4.9.15 | 2:28PM

I know so very little about Lincoln Chafee, aside from his short brush with fame when he switched parties in the Senate because it was more politically expedient to be a Democrat in the 2000s, that I had to look up several things before writing this story: whether his name is indeed "Lincoln," exactly how many "f's" there were in "Chafee," and whether someone would ever really get an official photo taken with a bowl haircut. The answers are, "yes," "one" and, "in all honesty, it was the 1990s and everyone had this haircut, it's not his fault he looks like Bob Odenkirk."

At any rate, Lincoln Chafee would like you to consider him for the nation's highest office. On the Democratic ticket, in case that was unclear. 

Apparently, he's been governor of Rhode Island for a while. Who knew?

Major Scoop in Mother Jones Claims Ted Cruz Was Once a Lawyer

By on 4.9.15 | 12:34PM

I'm so glad the world has David Corn of Mother Jones. Without him, how would we get the most pressing and important information on our Republican Presidential candidates? After all, it's not everyone who can read Wikipedia and use Google so masterfully.

This week, we learn from our intrepid reporter that not only is Ted Cruz an attorney, but he also once represented clients

Iran Says American Nuke Deal Fact Sheet is “Wrong on Most Issues”

By on 4.9.15 | 11:44AM

They may have closed a deal just in time for John Kerry to gear up for windsurfing season in Nantucket, but the "framework" that's supposed to be the foundational element of the Iranaian nuclear deal seems to still be up for debate.

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