Ted Cruz Says Republicans Make the Best Democrats

By on 10.19.15 | 1:17PM

Last week, it was all the rage to call out Ted Cruz and his allies as "profiteers" and "charlatans" who sold their ineffectiveness and "failure theater" to the country as "true conservatism," thus making it much more difficult for the other 95% of Congress to do their jobs, which they have yet to really describe in detail. Apparently, Ted Cruz and company have given Americans unrealistic expectations of what is truly possible to accomplish in government, and while that's generally true - much of what Ted Cruz does is doomed from the start - that doesn't explain, exactly, why Americans might consider a guy who does something, anything as being a more desirable act to follow than any number of elected officials who seem to spend most of their time adjusting their office decor.

The Morning Spectacle: Weekend Warriors

By on 10.19.15 | 4:00AM

Hey! We're back for good this time! Thanks for all of your special requests for our return. And also for your hate mail. 

In Our Sights

Hillary Clinton has finally come up with a way to differentiate herself from the rest of the Democratic candidates that has nothing to do with her gender. She's going after guns in a big way, proposing a mandatory, national gun buy-back program like the one that didn't work in Australia.

Voters may still be utterly confused as to who should earn their vote, but the Secret Service made their own decision on which candidates are America's frontrunners. Donald Trump, Ben Carson and Hillary Clinton all earned a private Secret Service security detail for themselves starting this weekendJeb Bush reportedly consoled himself by dressing up his dog in a suit.

Trump Running in the Red?

By on 10.16.15 | 3:08PM

FEC filings are out today, and all of your favorite candidates for the highest public office in the land, are now open to criticism about their hypocricy on the subject of fiscal conservatism, and we find out interesting tidbids on their spending habits. For instance, did you know that it's possible to blow $13 million on a campaign that has yet to officially have more than 5% support? Because it is. And I'm being both generous with the 5% marker and holding back on describing how the "high life" has treated Jeb Bush.

Joy Behar Thinks Bernie Sanders is Super Hot

By on 10.16.15 | 12:57PM

Since it's Friday, I figured it would be difficult for me to entice you with anything you needed to think about (at least, that's how I'm feeling about this week), so why not pick on an old enemy in familiar territory, The View? I mean, I do sort of feel bad about it - fewer people watch The View than watch that "live surgery" channel - but there's a certain familiartiy in subjecting yourself to such a level of tortue, and you learn to appreciate the little things in life, like people who have normal voices.

At any rate, this week, The View inevitably discussed the Democratic debate, despite having a collective grasp of policy that rivals a single stuffed animal, and their "hot takes," were, if nothing else, at least...hot. 

Ben Carson Calls Time on His Campaign…For a Book Tour? UPDATE: Carson Says Report is False

By on 10.15.15 | 12:45PM

UPDATE: Carson has now said that the report is false. He addressed the ABC News report on Facebook last night and denied any report that he was suspending or otherwise interrupting his campaign.

We'll keep you updated if anything changes. For now, we're relieved he's not committing campaign suicide.

# # #

Ben Carson, what in the ever-living heck are you doing?

The only man who has, thus far, been able to challenge Donald Trump for the lead among Republican Presidential candidates in key states, will be dropping out of the race for two weeks while he goes on a book tour for his recently released memoir, A More Perfect Union. Carson's team seems to feel that they can't do the events associated with the Presidential campaign and those associated with his book tour, so, for no discernible reason, they're cancelling the campaign.

Bernie Sanders: “When a Mother Has a Baby, She Should Stay Home With That Baby”

By on 10.15.15 | 12:11PM

Now that everyone has recovered from their post-debate hangovers, we're able to drill further into the depths of crazy the Democratic candidates were determined to reach Tuesday night. Some statements from such characters as Bernie Sanders, like the abject endorsement of socialist worker theory to address the bogeyman of wealth inequality, were nothing if not universally expected. Other statements, like Bernie's feelings on the subject of maternity leave, were not.

Ladies, under a Sanders Presidency, you'll be forced to take that year off to hang around your wiggly munchkin whether you want to or not. It's only compassionate, after all.

Every other major country on Earth, every one, including some small countries, say that when a mother has a baby, she should stay home with that baby. 

Media Matters

The Taranto Principle Does Vegas

By 10.15.15

The Taranto Principle strikes again.

A Republican debate this was not. Thus far the GOP has held two debates: the Fox debate in Cleveland and the CNN debate at the Reagan Library. And whether the immediate audience was huge (with those thousands in Cleveland) or small and intimate (as it was with a few hundred at the Reagan Library), Republican candidates were in a fighting mood. They turned on Donald Trump, and they turned on each other. If there were not a single additional GOP debate the nation’s memory book has already etched Donald Trump scalding Jeb or Carly or Rand or Marco. And getting it dished back. There were Chris and Rand getting it on. And so on.

Old People Yelling: Things You Need to Know About the Democratic Debate

By on 10.14.15 | 5:20PM

I wasn't watching the Democratic debate last night because I value my sanity, and having a few living grandparents and grand-uncles, can actually be yelled at by old people at my convienience, rather than watch them yell at me about my life choices on a designated schedule. Plus, I like my liver, and in order to fully digest what happened on CNN's stage, I would have had to damage almost fully. 

I did flip back and forth a couple of times from the Ink Master finale, so I can fill you in on a few items you need to know about the Dem debate (other than this, which sums it up in less words than I'll ever use):

Behold: The Lena Dunham Costume for Children

By on 10.13.15 | 2:42PM

I love Halloween. I'm a geek at heart (well, not really even at heart - I'm just a geek) and will take any excuse to dress up as a comic book character or superhero movie heroine. But social justice warriors and helicopter parents make Halloween a difficult holiday to negotiate.

Every year, there are countless stories of the horrors of Halloween - and I don't mean the scary masks or the haunted houses or those weird zombie paintball runs that never quite work out the way you want them to. I mean "needles in your candy," "serial killers who might live in your neighborhood," "problems with giving children sugar because their teeth will rot and their ADHD medication won't work" and the kicker of all of them, the inevitable, 1000 word think piece on "too sexy" costumes for little girls.

Planned Parenthood Stops Taking Money for Harvested Baby Parts

By on 10.13.15 | 1:47PM

For months, Planned Parenthood has insisted that their fetal remains donation process, which appears to make them a great deal of money (despite claims that the money they received was merely a "reimbursement"), was a benevloent procedure, done out of the goodness of their cold, dark hearts. They insisted that the process depicted on the Center for Medical Progress totally misrepresented what Planned Parenthood was doing, keeping babies alive and hearts beating long enough to harvest vital organs, essentially for experimentation.

Now, after a grueling public relations nightmare that put Planned Parenthood on the defensive for months, leading into a Congressional investigation (that was ultimately derailed by Jason Chaffetz's staggering lack of preparation), Planned Parenthood is calling time on their baby parts donation reimbrusement process, at least until they figure out another way to make money off their high holy sacrament.