Rep. Aaron Schock to Resign

By on 3.17.15 | 6:48PM

Ah, Illinois.

We had just jogged past the two year anniversary of the last time a sitting Illinois politician entered a guilty plea on a Federal crime. Former Rep. Jesse Jackson, Jr. copped to a Federal wire and mail fraud charge on February 20, 2013. He was sentenced in August of 2013. And for two blissful years, we were free of the immediate taint of Federal corruption. At least, the current taint. 

And then, there's Rep. Aaron Schock, who, today, became the bazillionth Illinois politician to fall prey to the trappings of elected office. He will resign effective March 31, 2015.

Illinois Rep. Aaron Schock resigned Tuesday, less than 12 hours after POLITICO raised questions about tens of thousands of dollars in mileage reimbursements he received for his personal vehicle.

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Starbucks To Improve Race Relations With Coffee Cups, Possibly

By on 3.17.15 | 11:04AM

A few years ago, when we were struggling through a shutdown that impacted a whopping 2% of government services, Starbucks Barista-in-Chief Howard Schultz, whose management of the coffee company is just slightly better than his management of the Seattle Supersonics, decided that the time had come to use Starbucks's most powerful weapon - writing the occasionally misspelled phrase on a paper cup - to bridge the partisan debate.

In a move that convinced absolutely nobody to embrace a bipartisan solution to the shutdown crisis, Starbucks baristas across DC began writing "Come Together" on cups of coffee dispensed to Congressmen and their staffs. It quickly became a running gag, and Starbucks has since taken a hiatus from interfering in the day to day lives of everyday Americans whose names they often can't even pronounce correctly. 

Until now. Now, they're taking their coffee-marking scheme nationwide in a bid to encourage the legions of white liberals who pay $5 per cup for subpar espresso drinks to improve race relations, by scrawling "Race Together" on their cups.

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Mitt Romney Will Fight Evander Holyfield for Charity

By on 3.17.15 | 10:48AM

He may not have been able to beat Barack Obama, but can he beat (literally) one of the greatest boxers in the sport's history?

Mitt Romney - yes, that Mitt Romney - will suit up and enter the ring on May 15, perhaps for the toughest (actual) fight of his life, as he squares off against Evander Holyfield. For charity, of course. I mean, obviously. I know Romney's been busy these last couple of years, getting pizza with his grandkids and spiffing up his La Jolla car elevator to sell, so that he can move to a brand new plot of land in central Utah, but I don't think he's been pounding cow carcasses and chasing chickens.

Forget about Manny Pacquiao and Floyd Mayweather, the real fight of the century is scheduled for May 15 when Mitt Romney enters the ring to battle Evander Holyfield in Salt Lake City.

Yes, you read that right. Romney, the former Massachusetts governor, and Holyfield, the five-time heavyweight titleholder who smacked around the likes of Mike Tyson and George Foreman, are going to lace up gloves and duke it out in a charity exhibition.

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Team Clinton Says Personal History Is Important - If You’re Marco Rubio

By on 3.16.15 | 2:12PM

Team Ready for Hillary is incensed.

The prospective candidate must be held accountable! This person's history must be laid bare for everyone to see! Questionable friendships must be discussed, alliances must be disclosed and everyone must now know who they are, where they were, and why they were together!

They're talking about Marco Rubio of course. That mild-mannered, soft-spoken Senator from Florida whose past is plagued with scandal and intrigue, belly-up law firms, deleted emails, and flung lighting. Oh, wait. Sorry. That's Hillary Clinton. But it doesn't change that Ready for Hillary wants something done and wants it done now, because personal accountability is paramount where political candidates are concerned.

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Dems Defecting on Iran Deal

By on 3.16.15 | 12:47PM

They may not be happy that Sen. Tom Cotton went to the trouble of drafting a letter to the President reminding him that he needs to run any Iranian nuclear deal by Congress before emptying the silos and shipping off the yellowcake (which, it seems, was never actually sent to Iran), but that doesn't make Congressional Democrats any less likely to bristle at the thought of coming to the bargaining table with the mullahs.

Democrats - including the Administration - assumed, at least according to POLITICO and other media outlets, that Cotton's letter would make it easier to pick off Democrats who had previously expressed conscern at the Administration's willingness to engage in talks with Iran. After a week of signature-gathering and snarky responses, however, the White House hasn't managed to pick up any support it didn't already have. And skeptical Democrats are still being maddeningly skeptical.

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Ted Cruz Scares a Small Child, Probably

By on 3.16.15 | 12:24PM

This is a better than usual Monday morning, mostly because it's 70 degrees in Chicago and I've been watching The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt nonstop on Netflix. But also because a number of liberal outlets have been posting this "damning" video of Ted Cruz "making a small child cry" at an event over the weekend. 

Apparently, while addressing a small collection of New Hampshire voters as though that weren't a precursor to exploring a Presidential run (after all, why else would you go to Nw Hampshire?), Ted Cruz told the audience that the world "is on fire," and it made one little girl, Julie Trant, a bit concerned. 

Now, while it may be understandable to be terrified of Ted Cruz, for various reasons and at various times, it seems fairly overblown to suggest that this three-year-old is going to be permanently scarred by her encounter with Senator Cruz. After all, that sequinned green top hat in the video frame is far more likely to give any reasonable person nightmares.

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Vladimir Putin Reappears, Is Apparently Not Dead

By on 3.16.15 | 11:02AM

Over the weekend, everyone from NBCNews to ESPN had a theory on what was happening with Russian President Vladimir Putin, who had, until today, been out of the public eye for slightly over a week. According to rumor, there was a coup, he was dead or seriously injured, possibly witnessing the birth of his love child in Switzerland, or the victim of botched plastic surgery.

Sadly enough, especially regarding that botched plastic surgery thing (uggggh, a facelift-gone-wrong would have been amaaaaazing for traffic), Vladimir Putin emerged today for a very public meeting with Italian Prime Minister Matteo Renzi looking as fresh faced as a daisy, and if undead, perhaps the most normal-looking undead person in history.

Russian President Vladimir Putin resurfaced Monday, smiling and looking his normal self after a 10-day absence from public view that fueled a wave of rumors about his health.

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Campaign Crawlers

I Love the ’90s

By 3.13.15

The Millennial generation — into which I have been unceremoniously lumped, care of a post-Reagan inauguration birthdate — has a thing for the ’90s. 

It’s no secret that anyone south of 40 is, these days, looking to extend their neon-colored childhood into the forseeable future. After all, the harder we cling to our Polly Pockets and our Tamagotchis, the less likely we are to have to handle the day-to-day minutiae of reality: paying taxes, having a job, shoveling driveways, keeping potted plants alive and the like. The longer we hold on to what we had when we were comfortably siloed off from the hardships of responsibility, the less likely we are to wake up one morning and face down our own mortality in the bathroom mirror, realizing that the hundred-thousand-dollar Genders Studies education we paid for is unlikely to earn us any living beyond a one-bedroom urban apartment that lacks central air-conditioning.

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John Kerry, Frequent Flier, Outraged at Fossil Fuel Usage

By on 3.12.15 | 2:49PM

Last year, John Kerry logged a lot of travel in his position as Secretary of State. By November of this year, he's certain to log many, many, many more. 

As these trips necessarily involve going over large bodies of water, and as we have yet to invent a reliable method of transportation that replaces private air travel, such as a Star Trek transporter that allows John Kerry to hop from capitol to capitol in a sparkly haze of atoms, John Kerry is still forced to rely on fossil fuels. And even if he's not traveling for work, his home, cars and yacht don't run on puppy farts and rays of sunshine.

But being that he's John Kerry, it matters not how much of a carbon footprint he leaves behind. You see, he is very busy and important, saving the world from the greatest threat to humanity, carbon emissions. As such, his movement and egregious consumption of dead dinosaur juice is not only justified, it is warranted and necessary in the service of something much greater than the sum of John Kerry. 

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TIME Magazine Makes Hillary Clinton a She-Devil

By on 3.12.15 | 12:57PM


Time magazine — which still exists, much to the relief of dentists’ offices nationwide — released its latest issue this morning, and with it, its latest cover image — which appears to give Hillary Clinton horns. Sort of.

I say “sort of,” because the camera seems to be tracking Hillary from the side, with the sihouetted figure turned only slightly from the field of view, heading away. Hillary’s actual horns, if we’re going to be anatomically correct, would be closer together, given the perspective. And I guess I always imagined that, with Hillary Clinton, they’d be bigger.

But I suppose it's all relative to who you are and what kind of horrible, devilish things you’ve accomplished. I don’t know a lot about horns. 

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