Politics

Joe Biden’s Friends Fear Joe Biden Will Lose Joe Biden-ness As President

By on 8.5.15 | 6:34PM

Joe Biden is well known for many things, but his illustrious legacy of statesmanship is not first among the achievements that come to mind.

Yet, as Joe prepares to join the Democratic race for the 2016 nomination, his friends are warning him that taking on the nation's highest office could irreparably tarnish Joe Biden's otherwise spotless record. He's been such an effective partner for Barack Obama that they simply cannot imagine what Joe Biden would be like absent one half of the Dynamic Duo. And with a bitter fight likely on the horizon, they don't want to risk him losing - or, for that matter, the Democratic party losing.

Jeb Bush Has a Guac “Bowle” You Can Buy for $75

By on 8.5.15 | 4:51PM

As we all wend our way to Iowa, the campaigns are on the ground trying to hawk their merchandise to unsuspecting caucus-goers who might happen to drive their minivans around their kids' soccer matches, using the power of the bumper sticker to motivate legions of grassroots activists. Most campaigns have a banal selection - Ted Cruz, for example, is all tee shirts and buttons, Mike Huckabee has mostly the kind of lawn signs you see covering up dead patches of transplanted sod in long-term trailer parking. Rand Paul has been, far and away, the most creative, even getting me to shell out $15 for this "Detroit Republican" tee shirt that I can't actually wear in Detroit.

Jeb Bush is the newest entrant into the game, is going with more high-end merchandise, including this "guacamole bowl," that will cost you a whopping $75 (and you don't even get a recipe for guacamole), and all of your saved-up sanity. 

Iran Deal Negotiations Will Not Ruin President’s Vacation

By on 8.5.15 | 1:18PM

The President will depart DC this week for Martha's Vineyard, where he will enjoy a fortnight of frolic among the bourgeoisie, playing rounds of golf and eating all sorts of over-priced seafood, possibly while dressed like someone's mother in a 1985 commercial for paper towels.

Meanwhile, he's supposed to be convincing members of Congress that the deal he and John Kerry negotiated with Iran, which will lift sanctions in return for basically nothing but Iranian assurances that they will not turn western Europe into a sea of green glass in a nuclear disaster. Although he gave a short speech and Tweeted out a couple of lame reasons for supporting the deal ("its deal or war!" - never mind Iran is already basically at war with everyone, anyway), he's leaving most of the convincing to his staff, who will call him to intervene with Democratic turncoats only if his influence is truly necessary.

Hillary Clinton Brings Out Southern Drawl for SC Dem Chairman

By on 8.5.15 | 1:00PM

Hillary Clinton would like to remind you that, for a large chunk of her life, she was forced to live in Arkansas, where almost nobody had a copy of Mao's Little Red Book, and people still did things like eat squirrels cooked on hot plates. While those moments still give her significant pause now and again - and probably recurring night terrors - she does find them useful when she needs to communicate with people who live below the Mason-Dixon line.

Yesterday, Hillary met with the South Carolina Democratic chairman and appeared on his public access television show, where she demonstrated how well she knows the "language of the South," by falling into a fake Southern accent. 

The Weekly Standard compiled the greatest hits from the interview. They have also helpfully demonstrated her level of pandering with a "cowboy boot scale," one boot being less pander-y, five boots being one step away from decorating her campaign bus with Truck Nutz.

Potential Primary Voters Forced to Endure Chris Christie Birth Control Lecture

By on 8.4.15 | 8:02PM

Once upon a time, Chris Christie used birth control. 

The point of the speech was to discuss how that didn't make him a "bad Catholic" (or something), but it really ended up giving some prospective voters an education in parts of Christie's life that they were demonstrably uninterested in. Keep your eye on the poor man in the foreground, ostensibly not having any more of his lunch. And possibly never eating again. 

Dear heaven, make it stop

And here you all made fun of me for pointing out how horrifying these kinds of lectures can be when Rick Santorum gave one about how his seven children were proof that he knew how to get it on in the bedroom, or when Bernie Sanders wrote about his S&M fantasies in a Vermont alternative weekly.

That was merely the tip of the iceberg, America. Just wait. Hillary Clinton is next. 

New Planned Parenthood Video Shows Negotiations for “Intact Fetuses,” Prompts TX Investigation

By on 8.4.15 | 3:12PM

The National Abortion Federation and StemExpress are still aggressively pursuing TROs on Center for Medical Progress, the former pushing a judge in California to extend their TRO until the end of the month pending a hearing on August 27th. 

The videos in question, however, don't feature Planned Parenthood's executives or clinic staff, so today, the CMP released a fifth video on Planned Parenthood's baby parts practice, this time depicting the director of research for Planned Parenthood Gulf Coast, Melissa Farell, happily negotiating for the release of an intact fetus for scientific experimentation, a practice that she says makes her a top contributor to her region's bottom line.

The video goes into great detail - including gory photos of a 20-week-old child being harvested for spare parts, so I don't recommend viewing it without a wastebasket nearby. 

Politics

New York Cardinal Owes Donald Trump an Apology

By 8.4.15

Wow. The other day in the New York Daily News New York’s Timothy Cardinal Dolan wrote an astounding piece that was headlined this way:

Nativism rears its big-haired head: Donald Trump’s anti-immigrant rhetoric is a sad return to a terrible American tradition

Among other things, the Cardinal said this:

During those happy days decades ago when I taught American religious history to university students, I spent a chunk of time in class on the ugly phenomenon called nativism, defined by the scholar and author Ray Allen Billington as, “organized, white, Protestant antagonism toward the Catholic immigrant.”

It flourished in our country during the 1840s and 1850s — actually becoming a popular political party, the Know-Nothings — and appeared again, in the 1870s, as the American Protective Association; in the 1920s, as the KKK; and during post-World War II America, as Protestants and Other Americans United for Separation of Church and State.

There’s a Government Form For Your Moon Expenses

By on 8.3.15 | 2:44PM

As far as government paperwork goes, this might just be the best government paperwork ever filed. 

According to the Federal government, employees embarking on government-sponsored missions for which there are billable expenses must fill out expense reports and submit them, including if their government-sponsored mission was to the moon. Yesterday, former NASA astronaut and noted moon mission-er Buzz Aldrin shared the paperwork he filed with NASA in order to get $33.31 worth of fuel expenses back - expenses he accrued driving from Houston to Cape Kennedy, where he boarded the Apollo spacecraft.

The paper, which is beyond cool and more than a little surreal, lists the the mission as a "round trip" for Col. Edwin A. "Buzz" Aldrin, going from Houston to Cape Kennedy to the moon to Cape Kennedy and back to Houston. 

Hillary Clinton, Champion of the Little People, Made $20M Per Year

By on 8.3.15 | 1:35PM

While everyone was distracted with her emails (nothing very exciting dropped this time around, sorry), Hillary Clinton also released her tax returns. 

Thanks, in part, to a breakneck routine of speeches, earning her around $50M, the self-described "Champion of the Poor" earned a whopping $139 million between 2007 and 2014, or around $20 million per year. That certainly puts her well within the 1% - ahead, even, of other champions of the poor like Elizabeth Warren (D-$8.5M Net Worth) - and well out of reach of most Americans who, shockingly, cannot subsist on giving speeches to large groups of people who have paid exhorbitant sums of money to listen to them while they aimlessly chew on rubber chicken. 

 Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton and her husband, former President Bill Clinton, earned more than $139 million between 2007 and 2014, according to eight years of federal income tax returns released by her campaign on Friday.

Washington Post Exposes Marco Rubio’s Scandalous Local Government Job. Or Something.

By on 7.30.15 | 4:33PM

Media Matters paid for their researcher to comb the depths of Miami's city council records looking for evidence that Marco Rubio was a terrible human being, and by golly they got their money's worth.

Now that their pitches are probably no longer welcome at the New York Times, whatever opposition researcher firm is currently devoting way too much time to destroying Marco Rubio took their latest "exposé" to the Washington Post, which on Thursday published a breathless article about all of the long and horrendously boring West Miami City Commission meetings Marco Rubio had to endure at his first level of government — a level that the Post finds to be suspiciously "low rung" of elective politics.

From April 1998 until his February 2000 debut in the Florida legislature, Rubio endured hours of monotonous debates about car wash regulations, inadequate bus stop benches, the relative merits of oak vs. black olive trees, and what snacks should be allowed in city park vending machines.

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