Politics

John Kerry Brought James Taylor to Apologize to France

By on 1.16.15 | 10:52AM

Apparently, in an act of apology for missing the anti-terrorism protests in France last Sunday, which featured over a million people including, but not limited to, leaders from most of the world's major countries, we hauled 70s folk singer James Taylor all the way over to Paris to sing "You've Got a Friend' at a press conferene. I don't even know why we have a State Department anymore.

Just...Just watch the video. And maybe weep for the future of humanity. I don't know. 

I think John Kerry was then expecting everyone to cuddle. 

America, I want you to understand that this is a real thing that happened. This is a thing and it happened and it was real and we did it. In response to terrorism. This might be the most embarrassing moment of my life and I once missed the announcement that a middle school spirit day was cancelled and showed up to 7th grade in a poodle skirt. 

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Valerie Jarrett: We Handled that Paris Thing Pretty Well, Huh?

By on 1.15.15 | 3:50PM

John Kerry is en route to France for a long weekend as I type, which I'm sure France is utterly thrilled about, and the White House has moved on to pursuing other, more important projects than the immediate threat posed by global terrorism, like whether the Commander in Chief will have sufficient appetizers on hand to watch every NFL playoff game airing this weekend. 

And, of course, if anyone deserves some time off, it's the White House. After all, they think they've done a banner job handling all of this Paris nonsense, at least according to Senior White House Advisor Valerie Jarrett, who appeared on CNN this morning to sing the praises of the Administration's approach to foreign affairs.

CNN HOST: Secretary of State John Kerry has arrived in Paris, he says he wants to share a big hug with the French people, do you and President Obama regret not sending someone to Paris sooner? 

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Media Matters

Conservative Group Targets Comcast/NBC

By 1.15.15

The 65-page letter is addressed “Dear NBC Affiliate Owner.” The sender: the Conservative War Chest, with spokesman Michael Flynn signing the letter. The group has most recently been advertising in GOP Senate races around the country in the 2014 election cycle, as seen here.

The subject: Comcast/NBC Universal, now in the middle of a merger bid with Time Warner, and the larger issue of “the corruption of American journalism.” There is also a two-minute video, found here. Comcast/NBC is accused of acting as a “leftist Super Pac sponsoring millions of dollars worth of attack ads disguised as ‘news’ that seek the political oblivion of conservatives and the Republican Party.” It also calls on Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus to mobilize the GOP against the Comcast/Time-Warner merger.

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Oh No! Ted Cruz Was Once Ticketed for an Unopened Case of Beer

By on 1.14.15 | 6:49PM

With a burgeoning primary comes Freedom of Information Act requests, and three reporters at Buzzfeed (three reporters), were apparently tasked with using FOIA to reveal the horrors of Ted Cruz's adolescent years. Pursuant to that mission, they came into possession of Cruz's 2003 application to be Solicitor General of Texas. 

In a shocking revelation from the documents that surprises absolutely no one who spent any fraction of their late teens in the company of other people in their late teens, it turns out Ted Cruz was once ticketed for possessing alcohol as a minor, after a 1987 police stop that revealed an unopened case of cheap beer in his trunk. The Presidential contender then pled guilty to the misdemeanor. And then, decades later, an Internet news organization is utterly scandalized.

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Mitt Romney and John McCain Join Forces on 2016

By on 1.14.15 | 3:16PM

If there's anything we learned from the foible-ridden Star Wars prequels, it's that you can never have just one Sith Lord. There is always another purveyor of the dark arts lurking in the depths of a shadowy world, training to one day resurface, more powerful than ever, and ready to join with his or her partner to enact swift vengance upon an unsuspecting population.

Among the 2016 Republican Presidential candidates, that unholy alliance has finally emerged.

Mitt Romney placed a phone call to 2008 Republican presidential nominee John McCain Tuesday, a sign he is attempting to recapture his support before launching another bid.

"He told me he is seriously considering it, and we discussed issues and friendships and things like that," McCain told a scrum of reporters on Capitol Hill. "We had a long conversation. We are very good friends."

McCain wouldn't divulge details of the conversation, but he did say he told Romney he understood wanting to run again for the White House.

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House Passes Bill to Defund Executive Amnesty

By on 1.14.15 | 2:57PM

This is probably so pointless that it's not even worth reporting on, but I suppose there's always that outside chance that apparently surviving an assassination attempt by his former country club bartender could be enough to embolden John Boehner to take on the White House's veto and whip those votes into quick submission. 

Okay, I said it was an outside chance. Anyway.

Today, the House passed a measure that would defund Obama's executive amnesty program, attached to a bill that would fund the Department of Homeland Security through September. The final count was 236 for, 191 against, mostly along party lines but with ten Republicans jumping ship to vote against the bill and two Dems voting in favor.

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Elizabeth Warren Says She’ll Skip 2016

By on 1.13.15 | 3:28PM

In order to maintain its commitment to Executive excellence, the Democratic Party needs to introduce a first-term junior Senator into the mix for President in 2016. Unfortunately for the nation's Subaru owners, Coexist bumpersticker consumers, and higher-education professionals, they're going to have to find a first-term junior Senator who isn't Elizabeth Warren.

Despite rampant speculation that Fauxcahontas herself would challenge Hillary Clinton for the top prize, Warren confirmed to Fortune magazine that she has no intention of seeking higher office…yet.

Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) gave a new type of answer about possibly running for president: she's not going to run for president.

Warren, a favorite of the liberal wing of the Democratic party, was asked if she was going to run for president in an interview with Sheila Bair for Fortune magazine.

"So are you going to run for president?" Bair asked.

"No," Warren responded.

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Ted Cruz to Oversee Obama-Gutted NASA

By on 1.13.15 | 1:31PM

This morning, a bunch of science-focused entertainers, whose greatest contribution to actual science involved starring in science fiction shows and occasionally chatting about their experiences on podcasts and Twitter, were losing their minds over Ted Cruz's appointment as chair of the Senate Commerce, Science and Transportation Committee which will give him, among other responsibilities, oversight of NASA. According to said entertainers, unschooled in the basics of conservative and libertarian ideology, Ted Cruz will most certainly use his new power to gut the space program and retask all Federally-employed scientists with figuring out how dinosaurs could peacefully coexist with humans in the Garden of Eden just short of 10,000 years ago.

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Paul Ryan Won’t Run in 2016

By on 1.12.15 | 6:44PM

I'm not sure if this is surprising, considering he was on a losing ticket in 2012, but Paul Ryan will not be running for President a second time. Although it does not say that he's declining the opportunity out of fear that he could end up on a ticket with Mitt Romney again, I'm sure that played into his decision.

At any rate, he is at peace with the decision and will, instead, continue to seek his rent in the House.

I have decided that I am not going to run for president in 2016," Ryan said in a phone interview, noting that he is "at peace" with the decision he made "weeks ago" to forgo a bid for the White House.

"It is amazing the amount of encouragement I have gotten from people - from friends and supporters - but I feel like I am in a position to make a big difference where I am and I want to do that," he said.

The nine-term congressman believes he can make that "big difference" in his new role as chairman of the influential House Ways and Means Committee rather than as a presidential contender.

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Cowboys Lose to Packers, Chris Christie Hardest Hit

By on 1.12.15 | 1:31PM

Notorious cheeseheads Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker and Senator Paul Ryan decided to bundle up in their Sunday finest and attend yesterday's NFL playoff game between the Dallas Cowboys and the Green Bay Packers, which, combined with Dallas's Detroit Lions shellacking, almost forced yours truly to root for the Green Bay Packers. 

Almost. You have to remember I live in Chicago, where rooting for the Green Bay Packers is almost as much of a sin as asking that the local Democratic Party machine not allow your dead body to vote in all future elections. 

Anyway, while Chris Christie was safely ensconsed in his warm, toasty owners box with his best friend, Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, Walker and Ryan were establishing prevailing optics for their 2016 primary contests by freezing in Lambeau's stands like the rest of the die-hard Packer fans. And they made sure that, when the Cowboys eventually lost to the Green Bay Packers, that Chris Christie was properly shamed.

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