Man Lands Gyrocopter on Capitol Lawn, Wants Campaign Finance Reform

By on 4.15.15 | 5:04PM

What do you get when you cross Citizens United, an unlawful single-pilot airborne vehicle, the Postal Service and Florida? Apparently, the dude who decided to land his "gyrocopter" on the US Capitol lawn this morning in order to protest the negative influence of money in politics. 

As no one was hurt, and the Secret Service quickly scrambled to tackle the guy (though not too quickly, as I believe they knew he was in a gyrocopter, and that should have been public humiliation enough), feel free to be both completely concerned for the state of mental health treatment in this country, and amused that this is all coming courtesy of America's craziest state. 

The IRS Spent Lots of Cash on Office Furniture and Toys

By on 4.15.15 | 2:27PM

According to a press release from Sen. Orrin Hatch's office, the IRS has spent a boatload of taxpayer money on lots of things it really doesn't need

Now, normally, accusing a government agency of making terrible financial decisions is all in a day's work for Congress, the Inspector General, and political writers who, since Hillary Clinton has halted her ridiculous van tour of Iowa to beg for money from Des Moines donors, but today, being Tax Day, is special. After all, what could possibly make this day better than to see not only what the government is wasting your hard-earned money on, but what the agency charged from extracting it from the very marrow of your bones has been buying with their share. 

Turns out, the list begins with an overpriced stair climber (for use in a building with stairs), and ends with Thomas the Tank Engine.

TSA Agents Fired for Conspiring to Touch Junk

By on 4.15.15 | 2:10PM

Here's a fun fact that you might not have known about the X-ray backscatter machines, that I just learned from this scintillating report of two Denver International Airport TSA agents being canned because they had a conspiracy to pat down the crotches attractive men: the screener who operates the machine is required to enter "male" or "female" into the computer system. If you enter female and the person is actually male, it'll automatically indicate that the person coming through the machine is, well, packing.

Over the course of several months, the two Denver TSA agents in question used this loophole to take survey after survey of vulnerable airline passengers that one of the TSA agents found especially attractive. 

Admin Officially Removes Cuba from State Sponsors of Terror List

By on 4.14.15 | 5:04PM

The Obama Administration announced today that, as part of its ongoing "normalization" of America's relationship with Cuba, that we will officially drop Cuba off of the "SSOT" list, or the "State Sponsors of Terrorism" list. 

According to Wikipedia, Cuba was placed on the list in March of 1982 and remained there because if its support for FARC, the Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia, and ETA, the Basque Fatherland and Liberty movement in Spain. Cuba has maintained, publicly, that its support for armed revolution in other parts of the world is a thing of the past, but until recently, the Castro regime has sheltered members of both FARC and ETA. Although it allowed the TSA to view its airports late last year, it also does not particupate in any anti-terrorism measures or anti-terrorism task forces, raising speculation that terrorists from other parts of the world have used or could use Cuba to enter the U.S.

Hillary Clinton Tries to Get Noticed at Chipotle

By on 4.14.15 | 12:08PM

I'm adamant that this Hillary Clinton road trip is a huge missed opportunity, as far as social media communications are concerned. While a smart candidate in a decked out van would be stopping at every roadside attraction along the way in order to meet the Real People who make up the Real America, Hillary has confined her intereactions with the proletariat to those that take place only where she is absolutely forced to stop. There are no unplanned exits from the Hillary Vehicle. If you are not desperately in need of a bathroom or the van is about to run out of gas, there is clearly no reason the Champion of the Middle Class can see to stop. 

Unfortunately for the Caravan of Compassion, certain staff members are not vampires and as such, require regular sustenance in the form of overpriced "Mexican" food. As such, Hillary Clinton has been forced to make the occasional stop at Chipotle, where she has done her level best to make sure everyone knows someone famous is in their establishment.

The Hillary Watch

Hillary Is Not a Woman: She’s a Liberal

By 4.14.15

“I suppose it’s fair to say: don’t you someday want to see a woman president?” Thus asks Hillary Clinton, newly declared for the presidency. Or is that re-declared?

The problem? Hillary Clinton isn’t a woman. And any Republican who is running for president who thinks she is will deserve the loss coming their way.

What is Hillary Clinton? She is in fact… ready? A liberal. A plain, garden-variety left-wing liberal. I know, I know. She looks like a woman. But as conservatives have long since learned, looking like a woman doesn’t make you a woman.

I learned this myself years ago in a battle over the nomination of a friend of mine to a seat on the Third Circuit Court of Appeals. He had a lot of supporters who happened to be women. They were professionals. Lawyers and serious lawyers at that, active in the legal profession with considerable professional reputations and accomplishments. But, alas.

Is Hillary About to Get Rahm’ed?

By on 4.13.15 | 4:16PM

She's been on the campaign trail for less than 24 hours, but already the media has been unable to find the actual "van" Hillary is traveling in, people on Facebook are beginning to notice that she might have dyed her eyebrows for the occasion, and Hillary is having a tough time rounding up support from fellow New York politicians for her bid for the Democratic Presidential nomination. 

I'm not sure about the eyebrows, honestly, and I tend to think this road trip is underwhelming (don't people typically stop at more than gas stations on a road trip? Wouldn't a Hillary Clinton tour of roadside attractions like the World's Largest Frying Pan and the Duct Tape Capitol of the World be social media gold?), but the last one is what really has me worried - or, at least, it would have me worried if I were suddenly knocked unconscious by a falling rock and woke up thinking I was Chelsea: prominent New York Democrats like NYC Mayor Bill De Blasio and governor Andrew Cuomo have yet to say whether they're on board the Hillary van

Marco Rubio Is Running for President, Too, You Guys

By on 4.13.15 | 11:55AM

I kind of feel bad for Marco Rubio. Four years ago, he was definitely a thing. Nice guy, cute wife, lovely family, good backstory, conservative yet acceptably well-thought-out positions on key issues, and the kind of fighting spirit that made you think that he was uniquely qualified to lead the next generation of Republicans in Congress. 

And then Ted Cruz got elected.

I'm not saying that one is particularly better than the other, but Marco Rubio has been overshadowed as of late by sparklier stars. Where he was once a hot commodity, he'snow been relegated to that speaking slot at CPAC that happens before everyone's morning coffee, and while reporters in the audience are still trying to piece together the night before. He's a good guy, and he'd be a great candidate for President - if we could turn back the clock and let him "do over" the last few years. 

Regardless of time traveling ability, however, he's thrown his hat into the ring.

Hillary Clinton Party Van En Route to Iowa

By on 4.13.15 | 11:32AM

I have to take a moment to apologize, readers. When I wrote about how Hillary Clinton was goingto "normalize" herself in an effort to connect with the real folk who will one day be browbeaten enough to vote for her, I assumed that she would do normal, politics-y things like talk about her favorite cookie recipe that she's never baked once and stole from the back of a bag of semi-sweet chocolate chips, or chat about her morning Sun Salutations and raw kale smoothies in a joint interview with Kate Hudson in SELF. 

I underestimated the commitment here. 

Instead, Hillary Clinton is embarking on a cross-country roadtrip. In a van. Called "Scooby." 

Because, obviously.

Clinton left Sunday on a road trip from her home in Chappaqua, New York, in a van headed for Iowa, home of the nation’s first presidential caucuses.

Hillary Clinton (Finally) Announces Presidential Campaign ‘For the People’

By on 4.12.15 | 3:53PM

Guess what guys? Hillary Clinton is running for President! 

I am absolutely floored, as I know you are. Today, several hours later than originally planned (isn't is just like a woman to be late to her own Presidential campaign announcement? har.), Hillary Clinton released a two-minute video called "Getting Started," and a logo that, by the looks of it, was made using Microsoft Paint and some clip art of the internationally-recognized symbol for "hospital."

In the video, regular people explain their regular problems to other regular people who have other regular problems. At the end, Hillary Clinton herself announces (in front of her $2 million New York mansion, of course), that the people need a champion, and thanks to the outpouring of support and expectation from exactly no one, she knows that she is that champion