Politics

Oh No! Ted Cruz Was Once Ticketed for an Unopened Case of Beer

By on 1.14.15 | 6:49PM

With a burgeoning primary comes Freedom of Information Act requests, and three reporters at Buzzfeed (three reporters), were apparently tasked with using FOIA to reveal the horrors of Ted Cruz's adolescent years. Pursuant to that mission, they came into possession of Cruz's 2003 application to be Solicitor General of Texas. 

In a shocking revelation from the documents that surprises absolutely no one who spent any fraction of their late teens in the company of other people in their late teens, it turns out Ted Cruz was once ticketed for possessing alcohol as a minor, after a 1987 police stop that revealed an unopened case of cheap beer in his trunk. The Presidential contender then pled guilty to the misdemeanor. And then, decades later, an Internet news organization is utterly scandalized.

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Mitt Romney and John McCain Join Forces on 2016

By on 1.14.15 | 3:16PM

If there's anything we learned from the foible-ridden Star Wars prequels, it's that you can never have just one Sith Lord. There is always another purveyor of the dark arts lurking in the depths of a shadowy world, training to one day resurface, more powerful than ever, and ready to join with his or her partner to enact swift vengance upon an unsuspecting population.

Among the 2016 Republican Presidential candidates, that unholy alliance has finally emerged.

Mitt Romney placed a phone call to 2008 Republican presidential nominee John McCain Tuesday, a sign he is attempting to recapture his support before launching another bid.

"He told me he is seriously considering it, and we discussed issues and friendships and things like that," McCain told a scrum of reporters on Capitol Hill. "We had a long conversation. We are very good friends."

McCain wouldn't divulge details of the conversation, but he did say he told Romney he understood wanting to run again for the White House.

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House Passes Bill to Defund Executive Amnesty

By on 1.14.15 | 2:57PM

This is probably so pointless that it's not even worth reporting on, but I suppose there's always that outside chance that apparently surviving an assassination attempt by his former country club bartender could be enough to embolden John Boehner to take on the White House's veto and whip those votes into quick submission. 

Okay, I said it was an outside chance. Anyway.

Today, the House passed a measure that would defund Obama's executive amnesty program, attached to a bill that would fund the Department of Homeland Security through September. The final count was 236 for, 191 against, mostly along party lines but with ten Republicans jumping ship to vote against the bill and two Dems voting in favor.

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Elizabeth Warren Says She’ll Skip 2016

By on 1.13.15 | 3:28PM

In order to maintain its commitment to Executive excellence, the Democratic Party needs to introduce a first-term junior Senator into the mix for President in 2016. Unfortunately for the nation's Subaru owners, Coexist bumpersticker consumers, and higher-education professionals, they're going to have to find a first-term junior Senator who isn't Elizabeth Warren.

Despite rampant speculation that Fauxcahontas herself would challenge Hillary Clinton for the top prize, Warren confirmed to Fortune magazine that she has no intention of seeking higher office…yet.

Sen. Elizabeth Warren (D-MA) gave a new type of answer about possibly running for president: she's not going to run for president.

Warren, a favorite of the liberal wing of the Democratic party, was asked if she was going to run for president in an interview with Sheila Bair for Fortune magazine.

"So are you going to run for president?" Bair asked.

"No," Warren responded.

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Ted Cruz to Oversee Obama-Gutted NASA

By on 1.13.15 | 1:31PM

This morning, a bunch of science-focused entertainers, whose greatest contribution to actual science involved starring in science fiction shows and occasionally chatting about their experiences on podcasts and Twitter, were losing their minds over Ted Cruz's appointment as chair of the Senate Commerce, Science and Transportation Committee which will give him, among other responsibilities, oversight of NASA. According to said entertainers, unschooled in the basics of conservative and libertarian ideology, Ted Cruz will most certainly use his new power to gut the space program and retask all Federally-employed scientists with figuring out how dinosaurs could peacefully coexist with humans in the Garden of Eden just short of 10,000 years ago.

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Paul Ryan Won’t Run in 2016

By on 1.12.15 | 6:44PM

I'm not sure if this is surprising, considering he was on a losing ticket in 2012, but Paul Ryan will not be running for President a second time. Although it does not say that he's declining the opportunity out of fear that he could end up on a ticket with Mitt Romney again, I'm sure that played into his decision.

At any rate, he is at peace with the decision and will, instead, continue to seek his rent in the House.

I have decided that I am not going to run for president in 2016," Ryan said in a phone interview, noting that he is "at peace" with the decision he made "weeks ago" to forgo a bid for the White House.

"It is amazing the amount of encouragement I have gotten from people - from friends and supporters - but I feel like I am in a position to make a big difference where I am and I want to do that," he said.

The nine-term congressman believes he can make that "big difference" in his new role as chairman of the influential House Ways and Means Committee rather than as a presidential contender.

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Cowboys Lose to Packers, Chris Christie Hardest Hit

By on 1.12.15 | 1:31PM

Notorious cheeseheads Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker and Senator Paul Ryan decided to bundle up in their Sunday finest and attend yesterday's NFL playoff game between the Dallas Cowboys and the Green Bay Packers, which, combined with Dallas's Detroit Lions shellacking, almost forced yours truly to root for the Green Bay Packers. 

Almost. You have to remember I live in Chicago, where rooting for the Green Bay Packers is almost as much of a sin as asking that the local Democratic Party machine not allow your dead body to vote in all future elections. 

Anyway, while Chris Christie was safely ensconsed in his warm, toasty owners box with his best friend, Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones, Walker and Ryan were establishing prevailing optics for their 2016 primary contests by freezing in Lambeau's stands like the rest of the die-hard Packer fans. And they made sure that, when the Cowboys eventually lost to the Green Bay Packers, that Chris Christie was properly shamed.

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Mike Huckabee Makes Beyonce First Target of 2016 Campaign

By on 1.12.15 | 12:52PM

Like all potential 2016 Presidential candidates worth the cardboard they're printed on, Mike Huckabee will release a book detailing his life story, his political intentions and his feelings about subjects of great importance to the American public. The book, whose not-at-all-pandering title is God, Guns, Grits and Gravy, will utilize Huckabee's "straight shootin' style," will deliver a "realistic yet optimistic approach to moving America forward," and will feature the former governor in as many button-down plaid shirts as possible.

His first target in the war on everything that is ripping America apart at the seams? Beyonce.

Because, obviously.

The former Arkansas governor and Fox News talk-show host – a conservative Republican and musician himself who knows how to get attention – is coming out with a new book, new book God, Guns, Grits and Gravy in which he levels a scalding review of Jay Z and Beyoncé and their explicitly steamy "Drunk in Love" duet at the Grammys. 

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Hillary Clinton Gets Her Own Coloring Book

By on 1.12.15 | 12:21PM

If you already own the Ted Cruz coloring book you can now expand your collection of kid-oriented political fare concerning the 2016 Presidential candidates. 

For a mere $10, starting tomorrow, you can become the proud owner of Hillary: The Coloring Book, which will depict the former First Lady in 30 classic Clinton moments, from her idyllic childhood, to her hard-barganing days as the Secretary of State. And, as expected, you or any child you're willing to expose o Hillary-related propaganda, can design a whole wardrobe of pantsuits for her to take on the campaign trail.

"Will Hillary dust off her impressive collection of executive pantsuits and make another run at the highest office in the country?" the coloring book asks.

There's also a page devoted to the "texts from Hillary" meme, which is the photo she uses on her Twitter account.

The coloring book, which costs $10, is available Jan. 13 on Amazon for a discount. Learn more at the Ulysses Press website.

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Correction on Ed Gillespie

By on 1.12.15 | 9:05AM

In last week’s column on “The Scalise Mess” I cited a remark by last year’s Virginia GOP Senate candidate Ed Gillespie. The quote was from the “Notable and Quotable” section of the Wall Street Journal. In the piece I identified Ed Gillespie as a “lobbyist, specifically, the ‘G’ in QGA Public Affairs — Quinn Gillespie & Associates.”

Ed has contacted me to say: “I left QGA in June 2007 to work in the White House for President Bush, and severed all ties with the firm. I have not lobbied at all in nearly eight years, and have no affiliation with QGA.” He adds, “I have no professional association with (QGA lobbyist) John Feehery or QGA.”

He adds: “Would you mind clearing it up for the readers of TAS (of which I’m one!).”

No problem. I was wrong, and I regret the error. 

This is a good moment to reprint the Gillespie quote that got the attention of the WSJ and then myself:

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