Years ago, in need of some unintentional hilarity in my life, I signed up for Gwyneth Paltrow's "lifestyle email newsletter" called, somewhat unappetizingly, "GOOP." Since then, on a weekly basis — I think, it goes to my spam folder and has for a while now — I get a delivery of incredibly pretentious life advice that no one with a household income south of $10 million per year could ever follow. I mean, I like nice things. But I like nice things I can use. And that other people know are nice things. But I'm not going to spend $900 on a blanket; I'd just as soon let my cats shed on actual cash.
It's notoriously difficult to make hay out of initial reactions to a Presidential campaign announcement. I'm still skeptical, but overall, reception for Rand Paul has been generally positive, the speech was good, and as far as God's concerned, Rick Santorum probably needs to hang it up, since His choice is fairly clear: as Rand was announcing his triumphant plan to retake Washington DC, the lights went out across the District and Northern Virginia, including at the White House.
Obviously, I'm kidding. God is clearly a Mike Huckabee fan. He's got the sweet chops on that bass.
Anyway, there's at least one organization on Twitter that isn't crazy about a Paul Presidency: Planned Parenthood. Who, despite keeping its collective ladymouth shut during Ted Cruz's kickoff, lost it's ever-loving mind on Twitter this morning, issuing Tweet after mildly hysterical Tweet about what a President Rand Paul would do to Planned Parenthood's precious business model. This one is probably my favorite:
I should have known that my bracket would be completely busted the second that President Obama revealed he had matched my choice of Kentucky to take it all. The man hasn't picked a winner, in basketball or anywhere, since 2009.
But were you following in the footsteps of Obama's 2012 opponent, you would, right now, be in the top 0.1% of brackets in the country, according to ESPN.com. Mitt Romney not only correctly predicted the Final Four, he selected Duke to take it all.
Mitt Romney on Monday night found himself once again in the exclusive club of the 0.1%.
This time, though, Romney's elite status has nothing to do with his multi-million dollar fortune, and everything to do with the results of the NCAA tournament.
Romney's bracket ranked 6,326th out of the more than 11.5 million brackets filled out on ESPN.com, meaning he scored better than 99.9% of all entrants. A Romney source shared this weekend the former presidential candidate's bracket with The Huffington Post.
The name sounds so open. Welcoming.
“Equality Promotions” of Madison, Wisconsin. The company, which among other promotional products prints signs for its customers, advertises on its website as follows:
At EqualityPromotions.com, we are a gay-owned business that supports our LGBTQ community.
But in reality? When contacted on whether they would print signs for the controversial Westboro Baptist Church — signs church members actually use in their protests that read, really, “God Hates Fags” — “Equality Promotions” was in fact not so opening and welcoming after all. Particularly for a firm that was co-founded by a United States Congressman who happens to be gay.
In the ongoing debate over the Indiana Religious Freedom Act, former Pennsylvania Senator Rick Santorum, a possible 2016 GOP presidential candidate appeared on Face the Nation over the weekend and said this:
This is what the White House put on social media to celebrate Easter. Now, I know, every holiday, obituary and random event must, by law, be celebrated by this President with a photo of himself.
But what on God's green Earth is happening here?
I feel like this is a poster for a depressingly dark independent "comedy" film I will never see, about a man and a giant imaginary bunny, sort of like Willard, but without the quality writing and with questionable casting choices. Does he see the bunny? Does he know its there? Is it really Joe Biden, performing the single most important duty of his Vice Presidency? Is this all a gloriously complicated scheme that will eventually be revealed to be the dawn of the New Order?
My money's on Biden.
I had this brilliant idea for an article yesterday, where I was going to talk about how the fight over Indiana's RFRA was a horrible example of how we've regressed into a perpetual childlike state as a country. Someone doesn't want to bake you a cake? MOOOOOMMMMMY FIX IT. Don't want to bake someone a cake? MOOOOOOOMMMY FIX IT. What would have once been resolved with a curt but polite personal exchange that resulted in both parties getting what they wanted, but coming away slightly miffed at the other party, is now a battle of legislative and judicial wills, with one party running to unelected judges to declare their will sacrosanct, and the other party running to overbearing legislators to declare their protection.
You could call it “The Herod Procedure.” In case you missed?
This was the headline and lengthy sub-headline in London’s Daily Telegraph:
Killing babies no different from abortion, experts say
Parents should be allowed to have their newborn babies killed because they are “morally irrelevant” and ending their lives is no different to abortion, a group of medical ethicists linked to Oxford University has argued.
Yes, you read that right. Here’s the opening of the story:
The article, published in the Journal of Medical Ethics, says newborn babies are not “actual persons” and do not have a “moral right to life.” The academics also argue that parents should be able to have their baby killed if it turns out to be disabled when it is born.
Wilco, which is a band that you'll know if, like me, you were a depressed kid in college in the early 2000s, who thought that listening to whiny musicians would make you seem "cooler" to the other depressed kids in college in the early 2000s, has cancelled it's Indianapolis tour date in protest over the Indiana Religious Freedom Restoration Act.
Are you ready for Clinton: The Musical, America?
Well, tough. It's happening whether you like it or not. This spring, two Australian playwrights are bringing the former First Family to the American theater scene, allowing you to pay actual money to relive the 1990s in all of its terrible, Clinton-y glory.
The cast of characters includes Dick Morris, Newt Gingrich, Monica Lewinsky and former Clinton special prosecutor Kenneth Starr, who sings "A Starr Is Born" and "Sexual Relations." There's a dancing press corps and music that takes you back to Celine Dion, Hanson and the Spice Girls.
"It really does its job of taking down America and uplifting it at the same time, in a weird sort of way," said Dan Knechtges, the Tony Award-nominated director and choreographer. "Nothing is sacred."
Two men will play the 42nd president — one a wholesome, intelligent Clinton, and another a randy, rogue one (Tom Galantich and Duke Lafoon share the task.) Only Hillary can see both.
This week marked the fifth anniversary of Obamacare, and while some of us celebrated by spending hours on the phone with an insurance company rectifying a double charge because they can't keep track of their billing, and Ted Cruz celebrated by availing himself of the system in order to get an inside look at the exchange that's making everyone's lives a terrible place, the head of Planned Parenthood, Cecile Richards, celebrated by reminding America that they now give a ton of money to her organization involuntarily.
This is true now more than ever, as thanks to an "equality" provision in the Affordable Care Act, men and women now pay the same rates for insurance, despite the fact that women, on the whole, cost more to insure, most notably because many of them have working uteruses that produce living children. In return, yes, women can now celebrate the opportunity to pay to care for prostates they don't have and Viagra prescriptions they probably won't need, but let's not get too far from the point in question: ACA was very, very good to Planned Parenthood.