Culture

All of Your Internets Belong to Barack Obama Now

By on 11.10.14 | 3:11PM

The President has decided to heed the message voters gave to the Democratic Party last week and will now work with Republicans to implement a common-sense policy agenda that includes a reasonable approach to Internet bandwidth questions currently in front of the FCC.

Ha! No. After his outburst on immigration this morning - that he'll pass it by executive order if Congress doesn't pass it's own version before years end (which he'll probably veto anyway) - Barack Obama decided to announce, while in China of all places, that he intends to control your Internet, which is great news, if you're a fan of how the government typically runs, well, anything. Of course, the FCC, which is handling the policy, is an independent organization that the President cannot control unless he's hired his own Comcast lobbyist, but that seems to make absolutely no difference as far as he's concerned. 

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You Are Not Rid of Clay Aiken Yet, America

By on 11.6.14 | 3:04PM

He may have come in second, yet again, in his bid to win hearts and minds, but make no mistake: Clay Aiken is not done with you yet, America. He may have lost American Idol. He may have lost Celebrity Apprentice. He may have lost North Carolina's 2nd Congressional district. He may have even lost all your respect as a human being. But he's not going to lose your attention.

If you have Esquire network, that is. Turns out, the Clay Aiken has reality television cameras with him throughout his entire campaign, and Esquire network is going to broadcast the good, the bad, the ugly and, I assume, the loss, in a four-part "docu-series." 

Esquire Network will go behind the scenes of Clay Aiken's failed congressional bid with a new docuseries.

The NBCUniversal-owned cable network announced late Tuesday — following Aiken's defeat in North Carolina — that camera crews have been documenting the American Idol alum's bid for a seat in the House.

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Barack Obama Fires Back…At Michael Jordan

By on 11.5.14 | 12:37PM

This administration has priorities

He might be ignoring the results of last night's election, but President Obama is not going to let Michael Jordan's hurtful comments about his golf game slide right by. Seems that, while he might not be concerned about how Americans feel about his agenda, he wants to make sure they know how to feel about his prowess on the links.

Obama was talking with Wisconsin radio station WJMR -- when he was asked about the shots MJ took during an interview with Ahmad Rashad ... when he called B.O. a "sh**ty golfer."

"Mike and I, we know each other but I've never played golf with him," Obama said ... "Michael wasn't very well informed about this, I think he might've just been trying to give Ahmad an extra ratings boost on his show."

Obama continued, "But there is no doubt that Michael is a better golfer than I am. Of course if I was playing twice a day for the last 15 years, then that might not be the case."

"He might want to spend more time thinking about the Bobcats ... or the Hornets."

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Kim Kardashian is Voting for Obama Today

By on 11.4.14 | 11:53AM

Kim Kardashian is doing her civic duty and encouraging her Twitter and Instagram followers to vote today. She, herself, is apparently planning to vote for Barack Obama. Which will be difficult because Barack Obama himself is not on the ballot. 

I suppose we could be generous and acknowledge that, perhaps, Kim is voting to preserve Barack Obama's agenda, which, perhaps unknown to Kim, includes punishing her and her husband Kanye West for their undeserved fame and conspicuous over-consumption, hers earned by starring in a sex tape, and his earned by being a rapper who was pretty good ten years ago but insists on continuing to make records. But that would imply we think Kim has thought long and hard about this and the evidence seems to show that Kim Kardashian has never thought long and hard about anything. 

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“Feminist” Products Worn by Lena Dunham and Others Made by Female Sweatshop Workers

By on 11.2.14 | 6:58PM

Lately, celebrities and celebrity politicians have been showing up in Elle Magazine UK and elsewhere sporting "This is What a Feminist Looks Like" scrawled across their chests and handbags to showcase their noble commitment to the cause of female equality worldwide. Everyone from noted spokesperson for all women Lena Dunham to my former imaginary boyfriend Benedict Cumberbatch to UK Labour Party leader Ed Milliband has turned up with the branded products which support The Fawcett Society, an "equality campaigning group" that ostensibly supports the plight of women worldwide.

For a mere $75, anyone can assuage their first world guilt and pay lip service to the organization's stated political goals, without having to ever get hands on for the cause. 

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All that Golf Hasn’t Helped Obama’s Golf Game, Says Michael Jordan

By on 10.30.14 | 4:44PM

Michael Jordan has never played golf with Barack Obama, but when Ahmad Rashad asked him who his dream foursome would be, Jordan left out the President. His reason? Despite the cool 200 rounds of golf the President has played during his term in office, his game hasn't improved enough to pose a challenge

Michael Jordan was not subtle on that point, at least.

Michael Jordan was interviewed by Ahmad Rashad recently. Rashad asked Jordan who his dream foursome would include, and Jordan said President Barack Obama isn't getting an invite.

"I've never played with Obama but I would," said Jordan. "But no, that's okay, I'd take him out. He's a hack, it would be all day playing with him.

"Do you really want to say that to the president of the United States?" asks Rashad.

"Don't worry about it," said Jordan. "I never said he wasn't a great politician, I'm just saying he's a sh---- golfer."

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Cosmo’s Male Models Will Escort You to the Polls

By on 10.30.14 | 11:37AM

Cosmopolitan, clearly NOT content to keep their #CosmoVotes initiative squarely within the two-dimensional realm, has expanded their Get Out the Vote campaign to include a party bus full of shirtless male models who, because there is clearly nothing less insulting to the female intelligence, will escort North Carolina's women voters to the polls

Because, obviously.

Women’s magazine Cosmopolitan is sending a “party bus” with models to North Carolina State University next week to take students to and from the polls on Election Day.

The bus is part of a contest won by the university, and the latest in Cosmo’s foray into political coverage. This year, the magazine endorsed candidates in 10 races — all Democrats — based on their views on abortion, contraception, and equal pay.

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Kim Jong Un Executed 10 People for Watching Soap Operas

By on 10.29.14 | 4:32PM

Kim Jong Un has returned from his short absence (intelligence authorities now believe he had a substitute dictator as he recovered from had ankle surgery), and those who flouted his authority while he was unable to properly discipline them are paying the price. Ten North Korean officials have reportedly been executed because they tuned in to some South Korean soap operas to pass the time. 

North Korean leader Kim Jong Un is seeking to erase the remaining influence of his dead uncle, executing about 10 senior Workers’ Party officials on charges from graft to watching South Korean soap operas, according to an aide to a South Korean lawmaker.

The deaths by shooting are part of Kim’s latest round of purges, said Lim Dae Sung, a secretary to ruling Saenuri Party lawmaker Lee Cheol Woo who attended a briefing at the National Intelligence Service yesterday in Seoul.

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