Culture

The USDA Pushes Back on #ThanksMichelleObama School Lunch Protest

By on 5.19.15 | 2:01PM

The USDA is fed up (pun intended), and now they're fighting back - against the disgusting photos of federally-controlled school lunches that all you kids keep posting to social media. 

Now that the school year is coming to a close across this great nation, students will no longer be able to catch snaps of their horsemeat on a soggy bun, their watery sauces and their meager portions, all meals issued pursuant to Michelle Obama's healthy eating standards, foisted on public schools and their unconsenting populations. Those photos, tagged with the creative hashtag, #ThanksMichelleObama, in reference to her contributions to the anti-obesity campaign (centered, it seems, on making school food so disgusting that kids would rather skip meals than eat them), have made the USDA's crusade against unhealthy food all the more difficult.

But while they're mounting a defense, it seems to be about as hearty as the meals they're forcing schools to serve.

President Obama Has a Twitter Now

By on 5.18.15 | 2:14PM

 

Yes, you're not imagining that there was a "Barack Obama" on Twitter before today. That account is run by the scattered remnants of Organizing for America, and not by the President himself.

But now that he's entering his later years and giving up on having anything remotely resembling a policy agenda, the President has been gifted with his very own Twitter handle, @POTUS, and juding by his use of exclamation points, he's pretty excited.

I can't wait.

Lindsay Lohan Studying Up on Islam

By on 5.14.15 | 1:18PM

Honestly, I can't tell whether this is real - as in "too good to check whether it's actually happening" - or this is some sort of terrifying ruse cooked up by our government to threaten the radical Islamic forces that have started to, allegedly, mass within our borders, but Lindsay Lohan is reportedly converting to Islam.

Troubled Hollywood model, singer and actress Lindsay Lohan was spotted carrying the Holy Quran as she stepped out of a children’s center in Brooklyn, NY.

LindsAy was photographed holding the Quran after completing her first day of community service at the children’s center.

The American actress of Irish and Italian descent was raised as a Catholic. According to reports, the 28-year-old has embarked on an “emotional detox” by giving up alcohol and dating.

Earlier this year, she uploaded an Instagram image of a quote from the Quran but soon after deleted it.

Classical Mythology Now Too Much for Sensitive College Students

By on 5.13.15 | 1:08PM

The good news for my generation is that we finally make up a controlling portion of the working population. The bad news is, that there probably aren't enough blankies and nap rooms to accomodate all of us as we graduate into the real world. At least, as some of us graduate into the real world. Others of us have too many things to do to take time out of our day to cuddle stuffed animals and gripe to each other about the cultural appropriation and microagressions typically associated with the Patriarchy.

Thankfully, college students have no such demands on their time, which is why a cadre of Columbia University students are able to, collectively, pen an op-ed calling on their institution of higher learning to take a second look at the foundational works of Western literature and the building blocks of modern thought in order to preserve their adorable, innocent and easily-triggered minds from the mere threat that they might have to welcome in an opposing viewpoint or critically consider historical cultures in addition to their own coddled experience.

Hollywood Celebrities Aren’t Abiding by CA Drought Rules

By on 5.12.15 | 1:33PM

The California drought, that exceptional byproduct of an exciting, unnatural approach to preserving the lives of millions of tiny, endangered fish for no discernable purpose except to prevent their own extinction, has taken its toll on the "little people" of California. Forced to give up all consumption of water, to the point where it has been routinely suggested that they refrain from regular bathing, California citizenry are suffering through one of their worst water restrictions in history.

Well, some California citizenry are suffering through one of their worst water restrictions in history. 

“Let them drink dust!”

Feminists Give Lifetime Achievement Award to Puppet

By on 5.5.15 | 1:44PM

Every year, the Sackler Center for Feminist Art at the Brooklyn Museum awards one lucky woman with an impressive body of work with the Sackler Center Award, typically for their contributions to the advancement of womankind, or, alternatively, their exceptional ability to whine loudly abuot how their lack of significant human contribution is the result of their diminuitive gender. Past honorees include Anita Hill, Sandra Day O'Conner and a list of prominent female voices who have made it exponentially harder to be taken seriously in male-dominated fields.

This year, however, the Sackler Center is changing their focus, and will award their Lifetime Achievement Medal to someone who represents a new era in feminist leadership, whose work has spanned decades, inspiring women of all agens with her lessons on getting what you want, when you want it, especially if what you want is covered in feathers, and when you want it is in direct response to your shrill, unending cries for satisfaction. She is also a puppet. 

Freedom Watch

The Show Trial of Ian Reisner

By 4.28.15

Sieg Heil! Liberal fascism is now in charge!

From Go Fund Me to Wisconsin’s John Doe law to the Quaker Friends School of Baltimore to Oregon State University, from same-sex marriage to climate change, a wave of liberal fascism is sweeping the country. Freedom of religion, not to mention free speech, is under assault.

And in the style of show trials from the days of the Nazis and the Stalin-era Soviet Union, Americans who have the nerve to practice their religion or simply speak up are not merely being intimidated into silence — they must now be forced publicly to admit their “errors.”

Gwyneth Paltrow Takes SNAP Challenge, Fails Miserably

By on 4.13.15 | 1:09PM

Years ago, in need of some unintentional hilarity in my life, I signed up for Gwyneth Paltrow's "lifestyle email newsletter" called, somewhat unappetizingly, "GOOP." Since then, on a weekly basis — I think, it goes to my spam folder and has for a while now — I get a delivery of incredibly pretentious life advice that no one with a household income south of $10 million per year could ever follow. I mean, I like nice things. But I like nice things I can use. And that other people know are nice things. But I'm not going to spend $900 on a blanket; I'd just as soon let my cats shed on actual cash.

Planned Parenthood Completely Lost Its Mind Over Rand Paul Today

By on 4.7.15 | 3:04PM

It's notoriously difficult to make hay out of initial reactions to a Presidential campaign announcement. I'm still skeptical, but overall, reception for Rand Paul has been generally positive, the speech was good, and as far as God's concerned, Rick Santorum probably needs to hang it up, since His choice is fairly clear: as Rand was announcing his triumphant plan to retake Washington DC, the lights went out across the District and Northern Virginia, including at the White House. 

Obviously, I'm kidding. God is clearly a Mike Huckabee fan. He's got the sweet chops on that bass.

Anyway, there's at least one organization on Twitter that isn't crazy about a Paul Presidency: Planned Parenthood. Who, despite keeping its collective ladymouth shut during Ted Cruz's kickoff, lost it's ever-loving mind on Twitter this morning, issuing Tweet after mildly hysterical Tweet about what a President Rand Paul would do to Planned Parenthood's precious business model. This one is probably my favorite:

Mitt Romney Won March Madness

By on 4.7.15 | 11:45AM

I should have known that my bracket would be completely busted the second that President Obama revealed he had matched my choice of Kentucky to take it all. The man hasn't picked a winner, in basketball or anywhere, since 2009.  

But were you following in the footsteps of Obama's 2012 opponent, you would, right now, be in the top 0.1% of brackets in the country, according to ESPN.com. Mitt Romney not only correctly predicted the Final Four, he selected Duke to take it all. 

Mitt Romney on Monday night found himself once again in the exclusive club of the 0.1%.

This time, though, Romney's elite status has nothing to do with his multi-million dollar fortune, and everything to do with the results of the NCAA tournament.

Romney's bracket ranked 6,326th out of the more than 11.5 million brackets filled out on ESPN.com, meaning he scored better than 99.9% of all entrants. A Romney source shared this weekend the former presidential candidate's bracket with The Huffington Post.

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