The Spectacle Blog

Hard-Bitten Competition in the World Cup

By on 6.25.14 | 4:09PM

The pageant of the World Cup continues. Yesterday’s heart-stopping news was Uruguay’s super-star striker Luis Suarez taking a bite out of the shoulder of Italian defender Giorgio Chiellini (played by Chico Marx).

Suarez, who attended Transylvania State on a Mike Tyson scholarship, could be in big trouble, as this is the third time he has run afoul of soccer’s strict but often-ignored anti-cannibalism rules. It’s now up to FIFA—which stands for the mellifluous Federation Internationale de Football Association—to decide whether Suarez should be suspended, or simply lectured on proper eating habits. My sources in Natal inform me that Suarez’s attorneys and his agent will attempt to get the charges reduced to following too closely.

Suarez’s coach, Oscar Washington Taberez, who has been in the game many years, demonstrated how central proper and honorable conduct are in the world’s favorite sport when he commented on Suarez’s tactics and the reaction to them after the match. “This is a World Cup—It’s not about cheap morality,” he said. He complained that the media like to pick on Suarez. I can’t imagine why.  

Not all the fighting action was on the field. Several British soccer hooligans were arrested for fighting in the stands. My Natal correspondent was able to interview Nigel Numbnuts as he was being bonded out of the Natal nick. She asked Nigel why he and his mates were fighting. “Well, we was bored, wasn’t we? What with all the beer and nuffing to do but watch football (aka soccer). So we went a bit off the latch.” Like Suarez, Numbnuts is a repeat offender. His poor impulse control and chronic problems with SBS (Soccer Boredom Syndrome) are what got him barred from The Buggered Ploughman back home.

In the event Suarez is not suspended, coaches of teams scheduled to play Uruguay are advised to be certain their players all have current tetanus shots.

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