The Spectacle Blog

Immigration and the Future

By on 11.21.14 | 10:57AM

The world is ending.

Okay, it's not even close to ending, but if you can't be hyperbolic on days like this, and suggest that a single man can bring about the apocalypse with a seventeen minute speech that people probably confused with a cold open to the Latin Grammys, what good is being a conservative blogger? Nothing. Nothing, I tell you.  

In case you missed all of the other rundown posts everywhere else on the Internet, here's ten things you need to know about what Barack Obama proposed last night in his banner immigration reform speech which was, to quote the SNL sketch, neither about immigration, nor reform. Discuss. 

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Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow

By on 11.20.14 | 5:41PM

One Carolyn Thompson, reporting for the Associated Press, informed her readers Wednesday that temperatures were falling to freezing and below “in all 50 states.” Perhaps our Carolyn, and everyone who edits her copy there at the AP, temporarily forgot that Hawaii joined the union in 1959.

A quick check shows that Honolulu at 0500 Thursday had a temperature of 71 degrees. There was precipitation. But it was rain, not snow. Thursday afternoon Honolulu residents can look forward to a frosty 81 degrees. No immediate need to scrape the ice off the windshield. Aloha. Just another day in Paradise.

If our president has taken enough time away from scheming to make “Americans” out of millions of undocumented Democrats to read Thompson’s story, he might have asked, “What about the other seven states?” If Joe Biden had seen the story, he would have urged President Roosevelt to go on television to assure the nation that global warming would soon melt all the snow.

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Nickelback Releases A Ferguson Protest Song, Of Course

By on 11.20.14 | 4:57PM

Ferguson, Missouri is, right now, on pins and needles, waiting for the grand jury's decision whether or not to charge Officer Darren Wilson in the death of Michael Brown. On Monday, Missouri Governor Jay Nixon declared a state of emergency and called in the national guard, and today, he announced a small coalition of pastors, law enforcement professionals and others, who will be charged with helping Ferguson recover and rebuild from months of protests.

But while entertainers have visited the city to cheer on the Ferguson protesters, no one has really gone all in on the protests themselves.

That is, no one has really gone all in on the protests themselves, until now. Last September, the world's worst rock band, Nickelback, released a Ferguson protest song that two million people subjected themselves to on YouTube. The song is titled "Edge of a Revolution," it's everything you've come to expect from Nickelback, with a bonus dose of political philosophy, no doubt borne out of the experiences of their hardscrabble Canadian upbringings, and, like, ten minutes of live Ferguson footage Chad Kroeger saw once on CNN.

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Larry Craig Just Got Hired by the Idaho GOP

By on 11.20.14 | 4:29PM

I don't know what the Idaho GOP's stance is on reforming the party, but I can tell you that their stance on Larry Craig is, shall we say, wide.

The former Idaho Senator lost his job after tapping his toes in a Minneapolis airport bathroom, apparently a signal that he was interested in an anonymous restroom relationship with another gentleman. After insisting for weeks that he was innocently occupying his time on th can by playing footsie with other patrons, Larry Craig resigned his job in 2007, with the caveat that he would return if the Minnesota courts found him innocent. They didn't. A couple of months ago, he resurfaced following an FEC investigation that found Craig had used $242,000 donated for his re-election campaign to pay for his legal costs.

It makes complete sense, then, that the Idaho GOP has not only welcomed him back, but officially tasked him with fundraising.

Remember Larry Craig, the former Idaho senator who was arrested in 2007 for soliciting sex in a men's airport bathroom?

Well, he’s back.

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Duke & Duchess of Cambridge Demand DC Press Spiff Up

By on 11.20.14 | 4:16PM

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge - Prince William and his wife Kate Middleton - are due to visit the United States the first week of December. They'll be traveling from London to New York, where they'll attend the 600th Anniversary dinner for their alma mater, the University of St. Andrews, take in an NBA basketball game and visit One World Trade Center and then the Duke will make his way to DC, where he'll attend a World Bank conference on poaching and illegal trafficking of animal parts. Kate will spend her time apart from her husband enjoying the Big Apple, probably shopping for the next royal progeny, due to make his or her appearance in March.

And since the Palace is quite aware that our DC press corps is a motley lot, they've already taken it upon themselves to inform reporters of the rules of etiquitte when dealing with royalty, most notably, tuck your shirt in and put a tie on.

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White House Annoyed Networks Won’t Carry Immigration Announcement

By on 11.20.14 | 3:51PM

Not a single major network will air Barack Obama's major announcement on immigration tonight since it's November sweeps and Barack Obama is not nearly as interesting to watch as whatever passes for primetime programming in a sweeps month. And the White House has taken to whining to DC reporters that it's simply not fair.

“In 2006, Bush gave a 17 minute speech that was televised by all three networks that was about deploying 6000 national guard troops to the border. Obama is making a 10 minute speech that will have a vastly greater impact on the issue. And none of the networks are doing it. We can’t believe they were aggrieved that we announced this on Facebook,” a senior administration official told POLITICO.

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Taking a Bite Out of The Obamacare Enrollment Numbers

By on 11.20.14 | 2:43PM

Back in September, the Obama Administration announced with great fanfare that it had enrolled 7.3 million Americans into Obamacare exceeding its goal of 7 million.

Well, like nearly everything else associated with Obamacare, this number turns out to be a lie. Officials with the Department of Health & Human Services admitted that 400,000 of that figure were actually enrollments onto dental plans. If not for that sleight of hand, the Obama Administration would not have achieved its goal. Revised figures show that Obamacare enrollment stands at approximately 6.7 million.

Of course, the Obama Administration isn't forthcoming about how many of those 6.7 million lost health their insurance coverage after Obamacare was implemented beginning in October 2013.

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Al Sharpton Owes $4M in Back Taxes Because of Racism or Something

By on 11.20.14 | 2:41PM

Yesterday, the New York Times revealed that Al Sharpton owes around $4.5 million in back taxes to state and local authorities. They also noted that, while Al Sharpton has commented before that he's been slowly paying off his tax obligations, his accounts have allegedly grown with the state, alongside numerous overdue accounts for travel, hotel, entertainment, rent and private school tuition. 

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The Terrifying Machinations of ‘Big Pistachio’

By on 11.20.14 | 2:38PM

When a writer wants to make an industry sound ominous, all he has to do is capitalize its name and add the word "Big" in front. There's…

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Jim Webb is Running for President

By on 11.20.14 | 1:42PM

In a fourteen-minute video statement released this morning, Jim Webb, former Senator and Reagan Democrat, has announced that he will seek the nomination for President in 2016. Theoretically, he's the first Democrat to officially announce, but nowhere in his fourteen-minute long speech does Jim Webb ever actually indicate which party he's running for. So your guess is as good as mine.

He does mention that the Democratic party has changed significantly, though, from the party of apple pie, baseball and children who never got muddy to the party of people who will go out of their way to pretend they have no actual ideology. 

The Democratic Party used to be the place where people like these could come not for a handout but for an honest handshake, good full-time jobs, quality education, health care they can afford, and the vital, overriding belief that we’re all in this together and the system is not rigged.

We can get there again. The American Dream does survive.

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