Now, obviously, you're all going to whine "why am I covering something so dumb? Aren't children starving in Asia? Isn't Katy Perry probably pregnant? Why aren't you devoting your precious time and energy to these world-altering things?" Besides having been a political gossip blogger for five years, this issue, America, is really important to me.
I love Magnum P.I. and Barack Obama is about to ruin it for me. And frankly, it is an insult to everything I hold dear, including but not limited to, Mr. Tom Selleck's glorious 1980s mustache, which he wore with great aplomb as he tooled around Hawaii solving mysteries and generally just making hot pants on dudes a thing. Magnum, P.I. set the standard in my life for all men to live up to. Which is why I married a guy with a huge collection of Aloha shirts. Just short of a year ago, I completed one of my bucket list missions and saw T.C.'s chopper in action, taking off across the beach at Turtle Bay and it was possibly the greatest moment of my life.