The Spectacle Blog

Jedi Carney

By on 12.3.13 | 11:43AM

It’s official. The website sucks less. As of this Saturday, the website now supposedly serves its prescribed basic function of handling 50,000 simultaneous users without crashing. However, officials admitted that the backend of the site remains unfathomable, and other additional functions are still swathed in troubles.

“Our goal is to make the website have as few problems as possible so that most Americans can gain access to affordable, quality health insurance as possible,” said Jay Carney referring to the November 30 deadline for improvements to the site. Earlier in November, Carney announced that a 20 percent failure rate of sign-ups is defined as acceptable.

It takes an individual as skilled in public deception as Baghdad Bob, a propagandist of Iraq War fame, to say “it works, we’re winning,” even while your administration’s legacy is crumbling one glitch at a time. Baghdad Bob, known as Comical Ali in the UK, rose to infamy for the absurdity of his daily press briefings during the 2003 Iraq War. A Baath Party member, Baghdad Bob’s last known appearance concluded with him insisting that "America will surrender," even while American tanks were storming the city with ease.

Companion sites for small businesses and Spanish speakers are still on hold. Outages and delays may still occur, especially during the enrollment surge expected before the December 23 application deadline for January coverage.

The account creation and log-in functions do appear to be working, but how secure is the data you are entering? Signing up to Obamacare is like sticking your tail in the fire on the off-chance that you won't ever have to pay for burn cream again.

The most recent hardware improvements may mean fewer errors and faster loading times, but they do not guarantee success in signing up seven million Americans by the end of March.

On November 12, ABC’s Jon Karl asked Carney the following question:

Is the number of people who enroll going to be lower than those that have been receiving cancellation notices?

Using what can only be described as poorly executed mind tricks, Jedi Carney responded:

Jon, I would simply ask you to wait until the data are released. I think it’s fair to say that the enrollment figures will be low and were going to be low anyway. They will be significantly lower because of the challenges posed by the faulty website.

Yesterday, Karl followed up with a zinger: "In terms of the goal that you set for this moment in time, is it Mission Accomplished?"

Said Carney: 

That phrase is not one that I would employ. We were able to make the necessary improvements to the website so that the vast majority of Americans who use the website can have an experience in which the website functions effectively...we have made significant progress.

Here stands Comical Carney, Jedi Knight (or Sith Lord?), extolling the improvements to the site, even though these are naught but half measures—too little, too late. 

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