The Spectacle Blog

Hey, Did You Know Barack Obama is….. BLACK?!?!?

By on 8.27.12 | 11:38AM

Chris Matthews was in full-on loony mode this morning, fulminating about Republicans supposedly playing the "race card" against Barack Obama by, among other things, mentioning "work requirements" for welfare. Tell that to Bill Clinton, who signed the bill requiring work for welfare. Really, Matthews' tired old, over-the-top accusations aren't really worth the dignity of a response.

BUT.... Why would the right play the "race card" against Obama? Is Obama black?

Ohmygosh! Do we really have a BLACK president? As in, like, not 100% Caucasian? Who knew? Hey, people, wink wink, nudge nudge: Obama is one of those guys with mixed blood. SHhhh. Keep it quiet now. I mean, you know, let all your friends know, but only in code. Like, don't call it black. Say that he's "dark." Don't call his cheap shots "gutter politics," call them "street ball politics." Yeah, stuff like that. Because, you know, he's one of them. Hey, aren't Kenyans good distance runners? Call him a distance runner, but one who fades in the stretch. Everybody will know what that means. Or at least everybody who thinks like us. The rest of those fools will never know what we're talking about. All those people who like the idea of voting for a black man -- well, we can tell them Obama's people are from Kansas. That means white, right? Cue up the Wizard of Oz references, guys. You know, Toto and not in Kansas anymore, all that stuff. That's what we'll preach in the "inner city." For the rest of us real Americans, we'll make Obama into a regular Kip Keino, if you know what I mean http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f0ICn7-Uaqk -- you know, the kinda guy who gets defeated by a real Kansan, like Jim Ryun.

Because, really, otherwise we wouldn't know he was ... ooh, this still gives me the creeps... that he was, or rather is, you know, like, black. I mean, if it weren't for that, we'd all just be loving the Independent Payment Advisory Board death panel death spiral. We love big government, unless it's controlled by people with dark dreams. 

But really, America would never elect a black man as president if we all really knew. Never. Black. Black!! Lord forbid. We've just gotta spread the word. Maybe we can all buy some dog whistles and blow them. This guy doesn't like work for welfare. This guy likes food stamps. This guy wants to tax "the man." This guy wants to repaint the "White" House. And he really, really thinks he is going to "do the right thing." Why, he'll turn the Oval into a regular Spike Lee joint.

But here's the real problem. I read somewhere the other day that we can't even joke about Obama, because, well, any joke about Obama is by its very nature racist. What a shame. Because just the other day, from what I heard, a horse and Barack Obama walked into a bar.... And after that, Barack Obama, the Pope, and Henry Kissinger were in an airplane....  And did you hear that there once was a man named Obama, who visited a Bowlarama? Once he was within, he aimed at the pins, but..... Oh, gosh, that's just too funny to repeat out loud. 

But it's not really believable, you know. Because a man like Obama wouldn't be bowling; he'd be playing street ball. Wink wink. Nudge nudge.

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