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The Spectacle Blog
I have a confession to make. Please don’t tell child protective services after reading the following.
For some reason, my 4-year old son is obsessed with zombies. There’s a plastic figure of a zombie crawling out of the ground which he always wants to look at in the “SkyMall” catalog when we take him on an airplane.
Both he and my 6-year old daughter ask me to chase them (slowly) around the house while I pretend to be a “person-eating zombie.”
So, in an example of extremely bad parenting, last night I brought them over to the computer and put on a YouTube video clip from the classic horror movie “Night of the Living Dead.” We watched several minutes of zombies chasing and biting people, and people defending themselves with firearms and blowtorches. Then we watched a video — which my kids thought was an actual documentary — of how to identify and kill zombies. (FYI, zombies don’t play basketball, don’t like fire, and to kill one you hit it in the head — not in the knees — with a baseball bat.)
I did explain to my kids, who were then getting a little worried, that since zombies don’t wear jackets there are no zombies up the in the Colorado mountains where we live. I explained that jacketless zombies live in warm places like California and Texas and Florida, to which my daughter, always concerned for the welfare of others, asked “are the people OK?” I explained that everyone in California has a baseball bat.
My daughter, always thinking, asked whether zombies could get to our house during the summer, when they wouldn’t need jackets. I said that they move too slowly for that, and that they would not be able to get out of the state before winter, so they don’t come to the mountains during any time of the year. I also pointed out that they are not very coordinated, so would not be able to climb the rocks and steep hills to get to our house. She was not entirely convinced.
I explained that if either of my kids was bitten by a zombie, I would take them very quickly to the California Zombie Hospital, where a doctor would give the victim two shots, then wrap the bite with magic powder which would keep the victim from turning into a zombie himself or herself. I explained that it takes about 3 days to turn into a zombie, so we’d have plenty of time to get to the hospital. My son nodded and said something that indicated modest relief and complete understanding of the medical implications of a zombie bite.
Perhaps you will not be surprised to hear that when I took them to bed, both kids then asked me to leave lights on in their bathrooms (with some of the light coming into their bedrooms) and to close their window shades.
An hour later, my 4-year old came up and said he wanted to sleep upstairs on the couch…which I let him do.
Although the whole process was quite amusing, I may have to tell the kids that zombies aren’t real, at least if I want them (and my wife and I) to get a decent night’s sleep.
View all comments (35) | Leave a comment
More Blog Posts by Ross Kaminsky
http://spectator.org/blog/2012/03/22/bad-parenting
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Floyd Looney | 3.22.12 @ 9:58AM
lol.
Zombies aren't real, unless you included the Entitlement Zombies out there. When the money finally runs out, they will out in force.
albert constantine jr.| 3.22.12 @ 10:22AM
For the most part, zombies aren’t real, except in the metaphor, as Floyd Looney points out above.
It bears mentioning to your children, though, as part of the lesson, that if zombies were real, the Obama/Holder Department of Justice is doing all it can to ensure that they can vote without having to produce a photo ID.
McCollough| 3.24.12 @ 8:31AM
Did you know that in Texas (apparently, for a variety of reasons, defenseless against zombies), prospective voters are not required to produce a photo ID to register? Interesting that folks don't care that the standards for voter registration are lower than those for actual voting.
Butch| 3.22.12 @ 10:22AM
I don't understand the zombie craze--easy to outrun, easy to kill. You can outrun the mummy, too. Now werewolves, those guys were scary! Most stylish werewolf movie: An American Werewolf in London.
Vampires were scary, too. Hokiest movie I ever saw: "Billy the Kid Meets Dracula"--(!! Yep, it's true!) Dracula was an impossible old west gunslinger, but Billy outdrew him with a cross etched onto his bullet.
Zombies, meh. Not so much.
albert constantine jr.| 3.22.12 @ 10:30AM
Your analysis is correct with respect to individual zombies, but for the most part, they seem to be deployed in battalions, and their mass serves as the danger enhancer (thereby furthering the metaphor).
I haven’t really watched “Blade” or the “Twilight” series, but Dracula, for the most part, was a semi-solo act (he had his toady or two, and maybe a consort as well). Once the silver bullet was fired or the stake through his heart, the threat diminished, and you often saw him crumble to dust in the sunlight.
The point at which the genres intersect would likely be “From Dusk to Dawn”, where the hordes of zombie vampires descended upon the patrons at the Mexican biker/ trucker/ go-go bar (which is where I expect the weapons from “Fast & Furious” were warehoused prior to their distribution to the Sinaloa Cartel).
Bob| 3.23.12 @ 2:30AM
Maybe that's why Twilight is so popular. It has vampires AND werewolves. AND they take their shirts off.
Luckily, Abraham Lincoln is hunting them down. They'll all be dead soon.
albert constantine jr.| 3.23.12 @ 8:09AM
Don't be so sure. Perhaps you missed the story last week about the John Wilkes Booth bobblehead on sale at the Gettysburg National Battlefield Park gift shop.
Lincoln may have his hands full.
Les| 3.22.12 @ 10:33AM
Ghosts in the graveyard can't catch me.
Derek Leaberry| 3.22.12 @ 10:44AM
Fantasy is a great part of being a human being and especially a child. What you have committed, Mr. Kaminsky, is creative parenting which is a good thing. And a little fear goes a long way.
Occam's Tool| 3.22.12 @ 10:45AM
Ross,
when my kids were five, (7 months apart) they used to watch the Discovery Channel's Pathology Lab series, which featured dissections. (Doctor's kids, you know.) Now, they love to watch old movies with giant tarantulas, etc. My 8 year old daughter wants to be a Vet, and loves watching me give myself my shots of Victoza for diabetes.
You did fine. This is a phase. Why do you think kids love Halloween? (My kids loved being chased by me as the "Tickle Monster" when they were very little. Being able to play out scary fantasies with a trusted adult is very useful.) I'm a Mandated Court Reporter of child abuse in my real life job, by the way. You're fine.
Ross Kaminsky | 3.22.12 @ 11:31AM
"Occam",
My daughter likes books about anatomy and the occasional YouTube video of surgery. My dad is a surgeon, so they need to talk a little more (but he lives a thousand miles away and doesn't call very often, so he and my daughter haven't spent a lot of time on the subject.)
My mother is a pediatrician, so she talks medicine with my daughter sometimes.
I was smart enough not to become a doctor, as HMOs/insurance companies were taking over the industry just at the time I was thinking about it.
Paul McGrath| 3.22.12 @ 11:43AM
Come to think of it, there was a TV show a few years ago which showed real-life surgical procedures on real-life people. I recall one day watching in horror as they performed a hip replacement surgery on some old lady. The ortho. was hammering away at the hip bone--using, yes, a real hammer--and joking away to the audience like a seasoned comedian.
The hell with zombies. That was the scariest thing I ever saw.
Quartermaster| 3.22.12 @ 7:22PM
How about those power tools they used?
Occam's Tool| 3.24.12 @ 4:19PM
Orthopedics is carpentry with blood. Surgeries are play areas for surgeons, which is why they tend to be the happiest MDs.
But I like being a psychiatrist, and I work in a place which I truly enjoy, where I get to do good work, and almost never deal with insurance companies. Minnesota is a great place to practice Medicine. The best state I have ever worked in.
Your dad needs to call his grandkid more often. The chance to mold a young intellect is priceless. When I go home, I'm playing chess with my two babies.
Occam's Tool| 3.24.12 @ 4:20PM
The first two lines above were an answer to Paul. The last two paragraphs were an answer to Ross.
I realized how disjointed it sounded after I wrote it and submitted it.
Conservative Bob| 3.22.12 @ 10:57AM
Every Saturday morning for the past several years I am alternately patrolling the house looking for Zombies with my grandson and his younger sister or drag foot walking in hot pursuit of them through a hail of imaginary bullets.
We are avid shooting enthusiasts and have found a growing abundance of Zombie themed targets including a life size foam filled 'bleeding zombie target' (google the phrase). We have a blast every week honing our skills and keeping the zombies at bay.
Zombies are big time fun at our house.
If it is bad parenting you are not alone.
Anommynous| 3.22.12 @ 10:58AM
Haha, that was great. Ross, I think your children will cherish this memory forever.
LiveFreeOrDie| 3.22.12 @ 11:01AM
Ross,
At those ages (4 &6) it's such a wonderful time to be a parent. Enjoy it, cherish it, take lots of pictures/video. And stop scaring your kids ;)
Rob| 3.22.12 @ 12:07PM
Wait until they find out that Zombies may not be real, but the IRS is, and opinions may vary re which is more frightening.
It's A Cunning Plan, Actually| 3.22.12 @ 12:55PM
Oh, but Ross zombies are real. Take a look here:
http://zombietime.com
David James Hanson| 3.22.12 @ 1:30PM
Awesome parenting Mr. Kaminsky!!
Given that you reside in Colorado, you may eductate your about the protections that good firearms plus Colorado law afford them.
Colorado statutes allow householders to defend themselves with deadly force, and immunize your kids from any lawsuits filed by leftist 'public interest' lawyers on behalf of zombies wounded but not killed.
A couple of years ago I watched a cable TV program on firearms, with an episode subject: "What are the best guns to use to defend yourself against zombie attacks?" As I remember, the hosts endorsed a bullpup .223 and a Rossi .44 Mag lever-action carbine...
Teach your kids the fun and useful skill of shooting rifles and pistols! I've never been sorry my Dad taught me, and I've taught my own sons. The great Oliver Cromwell's advice seems quite as pertinent to anti-Zombie operations as to his anti-Royalist Ironside soldiers: "Trust in God, and keep your powder dry!"
Ross Kaminsky | 3.22.12 @ 4:42PM
Don't worry, David. I've already created a small outdoor shooting range for that very purpose!
My dad taught me to shoot, and taught me gun safety, when I was quite young as well.
Bob| 3.23.12 @ 2:35AM
Those same lawyers work night and day to get those "dangerous" laws overturned. It's happening in Florida. Not to diminish the boy's death in any way, but once you get Sharpton involved it can't end well, especially with Holder's DoJ.
Jesus| 3.24.12 @ 8:35AM
There's a movement afoot to subsidize arming eligible women with handguns so that they can use them in self-defense. Inspired by George Zimmerman and rising domestic violence, organizers say that "enough is enough" and that self-defense laws are the answer to being stalked, bullied, harassed, injured, and killed by men.
Trinacria| 3.22.12 @ 5:00PM
Breaking News from here in San Francisco -
The city council, fresh off of their heroic efforts to ban plastic bags, styrofoam containers, and bottled water, apparently caught wind of Mr. Kaminsky's post on Zombies and passed the following resolution:
Whereas American Spectator columnist Ross Kaminsky has displayed remarkable insensitivity to millions of hard working Pulse-challenged Americans by his use of the "Z' word to describe them; and
Whereas the aforementioned Mr. Kaminsky has failed to appreciate the vital contributions that Pulse-challenged Americans have made to society at large; and
Whereas diversity, which is the foundational material with which our rich social tapestry is woven, is threatened by prejudice and ignorance, particularly by those who seek to assign to a lower status those who happen to have the misfortune of being dead;
We hereby unanimously resolve to condemn the insensitive and anti-zombitic statements of Mr. Kaminsky and we petition the Board of Directors of the American Spectator to terminate Mr. Kaminsky forthwith. We further petition Mr. Kaminsky to conduct a throrough examination of conscience, issue an apology to those whom he has offended, and check-in to a credentialed rehabilitation facility to undergo intense sensitivity training.
Finally, by unanimous consent, the Board hereby approves the immediate appropriation of $2.5 million to retain the services of Mr. Gloria Alred to represent our brothers and sisters in the Pulse-challenged community in their pending case against Mr. Kaminsky and the American Spectator.
Ross Kaminsky | 3.22.12 @ 5:33PM
Love it...
Paul McGrath| 3.22.12 @ 6:07PM
Hilarious Trinacria, which brings up an interesting point: Being protected by San Francisco from zombies is undoubtedly worse than protecting yourself from zombies in the first place! Your taxes won't be increased, parking meters won't be installed in every neighborhood in every corner of the city, you won't have to fill out twenty-three forms to apply, and the entire citizenry won't have to be subject to twelve dozen regulations, one or several of which has to do with the proper termination and disposal of zombie carcasses.
And all that, of course, before someone decides that zombies are a protected species.
Bob| 3.23.12 @ 2:48AM
Jokes on them. They'll have to think of another politically correct term to call those z-words, since we will have still-living people who actually are "pulse-challenged". Doctors are fast on their way to making a full artificial heart that operates without any pulse at all, continuously circulating blood throughout the body at a constant pressure.
Maybe "life-deficient" would be a better term.
Caryn Z| 3.22.12 @ 7:28PM
OK, other people's comments to this are just hilarious and creative, I am cracking up. And although some may think it was questionable parenting, they are your kids. The fact the kids thought they were shown a documentary is beyond hilarious. My 6 year old niece also for some reason is obsessed with zombies, and she crosses her eyes and drags her foot along with her arms out. I don't know how she even knows what a zombie is, because I did NOT show her any clips from Night of the Living Dead, LOL.
Bob| 3.23.12 @ 2:49AM
Kids play a lot of things on the playground.
Oldefarte| 3.22.12 @ 8:13PM
Ross, when I was their age Roy Rogers, Gabby Hayes etc would usually shoot the guns out of the bad guys hands and thereafter be rope-tied and jailed [or maybe subjected to a rendition of 'THE YELLOW ROSE OF TEXAS' by Roy, Dale Evans and the Sons. When my one child [now 30] was their age, it was Star Wars, Chubaca, R2D2 and the droids fighting Darth Vader. Don't think that that helps but anyway!!!!!
Bob| 3.23.12 @ 2:29AM
Just tell them the truth...
...that Obama killed the leader zombie and that they'll all disappear just in time for the election.
The Mommy Psychologist | 3.23.12 @ 2:52AM
What- zombies aren't real? You are a liar!
"The child psychologist who thought she had all the answers to parenting until she became one herself." www.themommypsychologist.com
Occam's Tool| 3.24.12 @ 4:25PM
The Night of the Living Dead, by the way, is available with a commentary by Michael J Nelson of MST3K fame, which is simply insanely funny. In it he explains the various ways to make the "zombie" drink.