The American Spectator : The Spectacle Blog : 'Soylent Green Is (Fat) People!'

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The Spectacle Blog

'Soylent Green Is (Fat) People!'

By Robert Stacy McCain on 4.21.09 @ 12:34AM

Now that British scientists are blaming fat people for global warming, I've never been so proud to be skinny. Allahpundit has a Swiftian modest proposal:

If we can figure out a recipe for soylent green, we can solve this whole problem. Dibs on the 200-pounders.

Note the "if" that begins that quote. It's another hypothetical, folks, so don't be upset. We're not actually planning on eating fat people. At least not in the short term. By the way, have you noticed that Al Gore's looking kind of pudgy lately?

View all comments (10) | Leave a comment

Julia| 4.21.09 @ 1:25AM

I'm sure Obama will apologize to the world because we are the fattest nation on earth. Maybe he will bow, too.

Solutions| 4.21.09 @ 1:28AM

Let's enslave all fat people and make them work it off. I suggest we start with Dopra Winfrey.

Al Gore| 4.21.09 @ 1:33AM

I'm not that fat! Besides, I trade carbon credits for food.

Angel| 4.21.09 @ 1:54AM

Maybe fat people will be placed on the terrorist watch list, too.

Angel| 4.21.09 @ 2:03AM

Let's teach those skinny Brits a lesson: We should fund a study to see if crooked, unsightly teeth contribute to climate change. Makes about as much sense as their specious study.

Scott | 4.21.09 @ 7:51AM

Hey, just consider the fact that I'm going to probably die sooner than you skinny folks, meaning that at an aggregate lifetime level, I'll be using fewer resources. And I'm working, contributing to Social Security, Medicare, etc., but I'll probably croak before I get old enough to take advantage of them, so in addition to contributing to the long-term life of the planet by dying sooner, I'm also helping to maintaing the financial solvency of our country.

You're welcome.

Scott | 4.21.09 @ 7:53AM

Oh, and because I am fatter, when I become coffin stuffing, I'll be returning more nutrients to the soil that you toothpicks.

Michael Dooley| 4.21.09 @ 8:19AM

Somehow, we forget that skinny people have health problems common to svelte somatotypes—high blood pressure, heart disease and an inability to be pleasant in polite company being just a few. For some reason, skinny people tend to own nervous tiny dogs that yap all the time for no apparent reason. Early studies indicate a high correlation between the presence of skinny people and “second-hand anorexia”. But what is this compared to the danger fat people present to mother earth?

Still, the Brits are obviously looking and seeing the glass half empty. During cremations, fat folk burn hotter and longer than stick people. The imaginative uses for which these properties could be utilized can barely be numbered. For one, using dead fat people as fuel for the production of electricity has an additional advantage in that graveyard space will not be needed for the heavy-pounders. By reserving cemeteries for shinny people, graves can be smaller and compacted closer together—getting more dead people per acre!

Sounds like a win-win to me.

If all Americans will just settled down and stop hyperventilating (tea parties, my foot!), Washington will make things more reasonable and efficient. Patriots in the past sacrificed life and limb for your country. The least you can do is let your body burn.