The American Spectator

According to CNN, Larry Flynt and Joe Francis will submit a plea to Congress for $5bn in bailout funds for Big Porn. Suffering financially as a result of the Internet, “the business” needs stimulation. Slurred from the luscious lips of Flynt, himself:

“People are too depressed to be sexually active. This is very unhealthy as a nation. Americans can do without cars and such but they cannot do without sex…. With all this economic misery and people losing all that money, sex is the farthest thing from their mind. It’s time for congress to rejuvenate the sexual appetite of America. The only way they can do this is by supporting the adult industry and doing it quickly.”

Wait, don’t interrupt me here, I think the logic is airtight (if not, it can be cut, tucked, and/or filled with silicon until it is): if government doesn’t bail out Big Porn during this depression, then we (the depressed) will forget how to get it on… or at least we will be deprived the only means we have of reminding us to get it on.

Your libidos have been warned, America! Use your other hand and write your representatives in order to not have to give up giving it up!

But someone needs get this word to Larry and Joe before they do D.C.: don’t whore yourselves by potentially having to offer favors to 435 members of Congress. That’s a waste of energy and it’s also groveling for plain-old-boring, white-bread, missionary, Congressional stimulus. Instead, take the barely legal route: go to Treasury and beg for $5bn from TARP. It would be easy to do: Flynt and Francis could buy up the mortgages and car loans of every person in porn and call that bundle of debt a bank holding company. I’m sure Henry Paulson would dig being the USofA’s Patron of Porn. Hell, come to think of it, they should ask Big Ben to loosen up Section 13, Paragraph 3 a little more and take the really easy money. He’d be the ideal savior because “Bernanke” already sounds a lot like…

P.S. Need more depression and sex? Try Alejandro Escovedo + The Gun Club.