Dictator Watch

Kim Jong-un Declares War on Hollywood

Everyone's a critic—even the boy-god of North Korea.

By 6.27.14

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It’s hard being dictator of North Korea. You’re a god, but you aren’t allowed any time to yourself. Everything you do is scrutinized by your adoring and dependent public. The rest of the world privately admires you and publicly envies you.

But some of them even dare to mock you. In 2002, James Bond fought against the Korean people in Die Another Day, a movie that parodies all that is good and moral. Only those blinded by imperialism failed to recognize that the movie was “dirty and cursed,” as the government of Dear Leader Kim Jong-il explained.

Worse, two years later the great and wonderful Dear Leader was mercilessly lampooned by the movie Team America: World Police. Kim Jong-il remained focused on the noble goal of building nuclear weapons, bravely refusing foreign aid to feed his starving people. America resented his determination and strength of will. Seeking revenge, it turned loose the most fearsome of weapons against the movie-loving Kim: Hollywood.

The Dear Leader was a convenient target with his bouffant hairdo and platform shoes. Visiting his country’s underused farmers and workers, the wonderful man-god was simply too busy to retool his appearance for international critics. But he persevered, courageously downing Hennessy cognac while comforting the beautiful young virgin girls who flocked to his side.

Now Great Successor Kim Jong-un has taken over the sacred mission of his grandfather and father: to reinvigorate monarchy in Asia. Having executed his uncle to maintain the leadership’s blood purity, Jong-un considers the new century. He dances with Mickey Mouse, he parties with Dennis Rodman, and he watches American movies.

Naturally, Washington has rejected his friendly demands for tribute that would remedy the injustices created by unfairly successful market economics. American leaders never bothered to read the Kim dynasty’s collected works on the philosophy of Juche. They also ignored the 31-year-old boy-god’s threats to destroy America, laughing at his video of New York City in animated flames.

Now the common criminals who run Washington—at least there is one thing Americans and North Koreans can agree upon—have turned again to their secret agents in the movie industry. The Interview, which stars James Franco and Seth Rogen, is scheduled for release in October 2014. The film posits an attempt to assassinate Kim Jong-un, once declared the "World’s Sexiest Man Alive” by The Onion and widely referred to as Cute Leader by his followers.

The eternal hatred of the imperialistic American military-industrial regime is evidenced by the fact that the movie originally targeted Kim Jong-il. But then death, lamentable and utterly unexpected, came for the man-god. It was, in fact, a generous act of self-sacrifice to allow the needy masses in North Korea to benefit from inspired new leadership under the Great Successor. It also was part of Kim Jong-il’s strategy to frustrate the warmongering filmmakers whose evil designs he espied.

But the American hate-mongers persisted in their criminal activities, simply changing the target of their CIA-inspired plot to Kim the Younger, the world’s most respected statesman. Kim Myong-chol, executive director of the Tokyo-based Center for Korean-American Peace, expressed the sentiments of people worldwide, observing that “it shows the desperation of the U.S. government and American society.” He warned America to look inward. “President Obama should be careful in case the U.S. military wants to kill him as well.” After all, “let us not forget who killed Kennedy—Americans.”

Constrained by his duty of trying to maintain peace with the warmongering Americans, Myong-chol was mild when compared to people whose entire lives are taken up worshiping the boy-god. Indeed, the starving masses of the DPRK have demanded action, despite lacking food, homes, and transportation. Given the honor of living off of those who generously starved so their leaders could prosper, officials in Pyongyang said the movie had inspired “a gust of hatred and rage” across the land. If only the North had electricity, the people could be seen at night, standing as one, shaking their fists at the American oppressors of mankind.

Acting on the people’s behalf (having shipping off to labor camps anyone so clueless not to express outrage over a film they had not seen) the government called the movie a “reckless U.S. provocative insanity” from a “gangster filmmaker,” which was “the most blatant act of terrorism and an act of war that we will never tolerate.” These patriotic Koreans voiced sentiments shared by members of Juche study societies around the world, who hold the illegitimate Obama regime accountable. “If the United States administration tacitly approves or supports the release of this film, we will take a decisive and merciless countermeasure.”

Even after hearing the serious concerns that animate the Cute Leader’s followers around the globe, the U.S. perpetrators had no response other than to make fun of themselves. Seth Rogen, one of the murderer-wannabes said, “people don’t usually want to kill me for one of my movies until after they’ve paid 12 bucks for it.”

Naturally, the leader of all the Korean peoples (and all the workers of the world, including in faux communist states such as China) indicated that he was going to put personal preference and comfort aside in the interest of working for the people. Kim Myong-chol predicted that Kim Jong-un would watch the movie, undoubtedly to gain intelligence on whatever new nefarious plots the U.S. gangster regime is planning and to respond in kind on behalf of the Korean people.

Being both a boy-god and the sexiest man alive is an incredible burden for anyone. It’s especially difficult for someone so committed to his people’s welfare that he feels the need to eat all the time, lest any of his starving subjects be insulted by him rejecting their offer of hospitality. While world peace hangs in the balance, the Hollywood parasites are leading the attack on the true tribune of all the peoples of the world. The mocking must stop, even if that means initiating global nuclear war. After all, the boy-god would survive, prepared to lead the human race to an even greater future.

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About the Author
Doug Bandow is a senior fellow at the Cato Institute. A former Special Assistant to President Ronald Reagan, he is the author and editor of several books, including The Politics of Plunder: Misgovernment in Washington (Transaction).