Enemy of the Week

Teed Off

Unsanctioned behavior by the ever influential.

By 4.25.14

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Our leader is many times zones away and thus in no condition to respond to reports of new discrepancies in the Obamacare body count. When last he calculated he came up with the figure of 8.1 million. Now at least 2.7 million of those Obamacarriers have gone missing. They may never find a doctor they like enough to keep.

Our leader is hanging tough on other pressing matters. His old friend Vlad is now charging Ukraine with acting criminally for defending its sovereignty. Leader has responded by reminding the Impaler that he has other sanctions “teed up” and ready to be hooked or sliced, depending on the mood of his swing and the technological prowess of his driver. As these things go, those sanctions could end up in the woods or a water hazard. What’s the penalty for landing out of bounds in international play?

Our mind goes back to when David Gregory tried something similar, chipping questions to then-President Bush in semi-coherent French. The then-president responded with some choice words of his own, to which Mr. Gregory turned a smug ear. Too bad, because it would have saved him the embarrassment of having his own network subject him to major psychological scrutiny. The immediate problem? Mr. Gregory’s Sunday show is many strokes behind the competition. So deep in the rough is Meet the Press that it trails Face the Nation by more strokes that can fit onto a score card. Better yet, that CBS show is hosted by Bob Schieffer, who already a decade ago was regarded as too old to play on the senior circuit. At this juncture, Mr. Gregory is competing only with the great Dan Rather of AXS TV fame. And Gunga Dan has him licked on the psychological testing fairway.

Does Mr. Gregory’s disgrace mean it’s safe for Mr. Piers Morgan to sneak back into the U.S.? Certainly CNN could use a dose of his professionalism. And under his guidance it might finally locate the Malaysian black box that no longer pings and return to the world of other headline news.

Such as Time magazine’s master list of the 100 Most Influential People in the entire world this year. It includes everyone you never bothered to regard as influential, such as the lovely Amy Adams, the lovelier Ronaldo of Brazil, and the loveliest one of all, Mr. John Kerry. He lost out on headlining Time’s cover to Madame Beyoncé. Perhaps he should commit to lip synching in public as well in time for next year’s edition.

Several distinguished world leaders are included on the Time list, among them Xi Jinping, Miley Cyrus, Pope Francis, and Mrs. William Jefferson Clinton. No one from CNN made the cut. Fortunately, Mr. Charlie Rose is there to save the media from irrelevance. “I don’t think of myself in the same breath as Pope Francis and Hillary Clinton,” he said on learning of his inclusion. Frankly, we don’t compare him to them either, though there could be a Rose Law Firm connection. All in all, it seems quite a comedown for Charlie from his days as the unrivaled king and conscience of the Upper East Side.

What else have we here? Ah, yes, Harry Reid’s “domestic terrorists” herding cattle in the Nevada desert, further endangering the desert tortoise that had prior claim to that federally occupied territory. One of the slow poke’s champions is a fellow from the Center for Biological Diversity named Rob Mrowka. Does that surname strike you as odd? It should. According to a Polish-speaking source close to this investigation, “mrowka” means “ant” in that Slavic tongue. Mr. Mrowka should recuse himself. Once he and Reid run out of tortoises, they’ll start interfering on behalf of the desert ant community. We’re still at a very early stage of discovering just how many ant species remain to be discovered. And unlike cattle, they don’t belch.

In Buffalo, the local NFL team’s cheerleaders are suing their employers “over compensation and treatment.” The players are known as the “Bills,” the cheerleaders as the “Jills.” Joe Biden is now confused. He’s not sure if the latter include his wife, Dr. Jill. He traveled this past week to Kiev to learn more, bless his heart.

Which is more than we can say about someone who recently passed herself off as a Mustang Sally. This, in a column bragging of her proud ownership of a hot 1964 Mustang convertible. Which has now been followed by a blast at one of the late popes who is about to be canonized on Sunday. She’s a hellish one, Ms. Sally, a.k.a. Ms. Maureen Dowd. At least we learned one good thing about this week’s EOW. She went to mass last Sunday. Of course, she had to add that the church was half-empty. Maybe the faithful saw her coming?

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