Loose Canons

Good Riddance to 2013

And welcome to the year of Corpus Christie.

By 12.30.13

UPI
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The political poltroonery of 2012 had gained so much momentum that poor little ’13 never had a chance. In ’12, the Supreme Court decided that Obamacare was incomprehensible but constitutional, the Republicans repeatedly helped the Dems expand the national debt, Candy Crowley defeated Mitt Romney in a presidential debate and, to no one’s surprise, Obama got re-elected. 2013 just had to be better, right?

Well, not so much. Cowering in the first known case of auto-triskaidekaphobia, ’13 stumbled its way into the ash heap of history.

As ’12 ended, Speaker John Boehner told Harry Reid to do something to himself that is anatomically impossible and then wept when Reid refused. As JANUARY began, it seemed inevitable that Reid and Mitch McConnell would again save the day for MSNBC viewers and they did by borrowing enough money from China to build a bridge from one fiscal cliff to the next.

Dianne Feinstein said that the 113th Congress was going to be so much better than its predecessor because there would be the historically high number of 20 ladies in the Senate thus reducing the quantity of progress-prohibiting testosterone. But despite the ladies’ presence the new Congress — according to a Public Policy Polling survey — was found to be less popular than cockroaches, head lice, the French and Donald Trump (which pollsters insist they can differentiate among). Joey Biden, leading Obama’s gun violence task force, said that concerned women should buy a 12-gauge shotgun. When trouble erupts, said Joe, the ladies should go out onto a balcony and fire off a few shots, which would make the bad guys disappear. He had no advice for those who don’t have balconies.

When eighteen human heads were discovered at Chicago’s O’Hare airport, Mayor Rahm Effing Emanuel said, “Who the **** cares? They were probably all Republicans.”

After Barry’s second inauguration, Czech health minister Dr. Leos Heger tried to force Czech saloons to offer water at a price cheaper than beer, reversing centuries of market pricing. Czechs, who each drink about 37 gallons of suds per year, were sufficiently impressed to run Dr. Heger out of town. (He was recently seen outside Noo Yawk’s Gracie Mansion waving his résumé.)

Meanwhile, Republicans went on their annual party retreat to Williamsburg, Virginia, and decided to keep on retreating. When the Republicans decamped from Williamsburg, they moved Party Headquarters to the trenches formerly occupied by Lord Cornwallis’s army near Yorktown. In preparation for 2016, RNC Chairman Reince Priebus paid $17 million for French architectural drawings of the Maginot Line.

Nicolas Sarkozy, no longer the president of France, decamped to London to escape his successor’s 75% income tax. Tennessee Gov. Bill Haslam had mixed emotions about Sarko’s act. Though Sarko could have benefitted more by moving to Tennessee — which has no state income tax — Haslam reportedly said that Tennessee benefitted so greatly from its small French population that he aimed to keep it small.

Some wiseacre Scots decided to show up those uppity Swedes of the CERN lab who had in prior years claimed to discovered the Higgs boson and to have disproven Einstein’s theory of special relativity. Dr. Tomas Cizmar, research fellow in the School of Medicine at the University of St. Andrews, claimed to have invented a tractor beam, which could move particles from one place to another. That news was welcomed by parents of teenaged sons everywhere. The Chinese government decided to act against Obama’s over-spending, of which they had been warning for more than a year. In a last-ditch effort to get Obama’s ear, Chinese hackers seized control of the New York Times editorial page. No one outside of the Kremlin noticed any change in the paper’s editorial positions.

Karl Rove, having bilked suckers out of about $300 million in the 2012 campaign, announced his new “Conservative Victory Project,” aimed at culling conservative candidates and replacing them with useful idiots from the Republican Establishment. Meanwhile, several Las Vegas casino owners were accepting bids from the Five Families in New York to perform a hit on Rove. According to one Bronx source, a conservative member of the Gambino family offered to do it pro bono.

FEBRUARY began with the Defense Intelligence Agency’s special briefing for female employees. According to a US News report, one week after the ban on women in combat was lifted, the DIA gals were told: “Makeup makes you more attractive.” “Don’t be a plain Jane.” “A sweater with a skirt is better than a sweater with slacks.” “No flats.” “Paint your nails.” “Don’t be afraid of color.” And, “brunettes have more leeway with vibrant colors than blondes or redheads.” Isn’t that cute?

Competition for the year’s Darwin Awards began early, with Mr. Jorge Perez of Lehigh Acres, Florida discharging a flare gun at the ground at such an angle that said flare ricocheted and hit him in the groin. Though he is apparently too dumb to live, it is unreported whether Mr. Perez may still be able to procreate. On a happier note, men around the world celebrated the newest technology, invented by Daan Roosegaarde, which is a new opaque dress material for ladies that becomes transparent when the wearer is sexually aroused.

The Senate confirmed Vichy John Kerry as Secretary of State and then endured Chuck Hagel’s incomprehensible performance at his confirmation hearing for the Secretary of Defense job. Summing up his qualifications for the Pentagon job, Hagel said “There are a lot of things I don’t know about. If confirmed, I intend to know a lot more than I do.” His on-the-job training continues.

Celebrating his nation’s third nuclear bomb test, North Korean dictator Kim Jong Loon proclaimed his nation’s entry into world-class athletic competition. Appearing with Lance Armstrong, Kim announced the new Tour de Pyongyang. Kim said the race would end at the Yongbyon launch site with twin missile launches and another nuclear test, this time over Hawaii.

Meanwhile, Mr. Maurice Taylor, chief of tire maker Titan International, refused to reconsider buying a Goodyear plant in France that was scheduled to close. In a letter to the French government, Mr. Taylor said, “The French workforce gets paid high wages but work only three hours. They get one hour for breaks and lunch, talk for three and work for three. I told the French union workers to their faces. They told me that’s the French way.” To which the French government replied, “Don’t bother us, we’re smoking.”

Italy’s new Five Star Movement — which has nothing to do with hotels or restaurants — began to flex its political muscle as MARCH began. Italian voters, having selected “none of the above” in the latest election, faced the fact that clownish former P.M. Silvio Burlesquoni would share power with otherwise-retired professional clown Beppe Grillo who wants to pull Italy out of the Speuro.

While Vichy John Kerry took a trip to the Middle East, de facto Secretary of State Dennis Rodman visited North Korea, where Kim Jong Deaux told him that all he wanted was a call from President Obama. Failing to get that call, Kim proclaimed the sixty-year old Korean ceasefire over and shot one of his uncles to prove the point.

At an NFL open tryout, wannabe placekicker Mizz Lauren Silberman managed to kick twice, reaching a distance of nineteen yards in her best effort. Though Silberman wasn’t picked up by an NFL team, she was later recruited for the Navy by Chuckie Hagel and sent to SEAL School.

The International Olympic Committee dropped wrestling from the summer games, replacing the ancient sport with the competitive Harlem Shake. Taking their cue from the IOC, a bunch of college students video’d themselves performing the dance during an airline flight. The FAA — outraged that anyone could have fun while flying — commenced an investigation into the incident. Meanwhile, The Duffel Blog reported that confused FBI agents were continuing their manhunt for the Harlem Sheikh.

Sen. Rand Paul (R-KY) made good on his promise to filibuster the nomination of the execrable John Brennan to the CIA top job. Paul’s filibuster — done the old fashioned way, taking up 13 hours of monotonous debate — was quickly condemned by Sen. John McCain (R-NYT). In what Inspector Clouseau would have called “a writ of fealous jage,” crazy ol’ John said that though Paul made good points, they shouldn’t be made by the “whacko birds” of the Republican Party, a category from which he apparently excludes himself.

Which gave a certain video game maker a great idea. A new version of “Angry Birds” was quickly published featuring Fulminating John, Liberal Lindsey, and the rest of his crowd. McCain promptly sued, and the game designers responded by increasing the steam pouring out of McCain’s video game ears.

APRIL’s celebration of Earth Day was followed quickly by the $130 million bankruptcy of Fiskar, the company making the “green” electric sports car that Car and Driver magazine wasn’t able to test in 2012 because it didn’t work.

The FAA celebrated sequestration by furloughing an equal percentage of air traffic controllers across the country, so that there would be as many fewer controllers the airport in Bozeman, Montana, as there were at Chicago’s O’Hare Airport. The Obama administration’s cleverest blow to our economy was reversed when House members determined that their need to flee the threat of a greater-than-four-day-workweek was more important than saving taxpayers’ money.

The month didn’t pass before former congressman Anthony Weiner — he of the much-tweeted crotch shot — decided to run for New York’s mayoralty. His campaign pamphlet, called “Keys to the City,” featured a selection of phallic images taken of city landmarks. Asking for the gods’ blessing of Weiner’s candidacy, Kim Jong Loon had one of his uncles burned at the stake.

Surviving Boston Marathon bomber Dzohkhar (pronounced “joker”) Tsarnaev committed an unimaginable act of political incorrectness by admitting that he and his more appropriately ventilated brother were motivated by nothing other than Islam. Disbelieving his ears, President Obama immediately ordered an examination of Tsarnaev by psychiatrists rushed to the scene at Saudi expense.

MAY lasted only 31 days, but it seemed a lot longer for Obama & Co. The presidential scandal marathon reached a fevered pitch around the Benghazi coverup when Loose Canons reminded Americans that nobody died in Watergate. The highlight of the month was the testimony of Lois Lame (née Lerner) of the IRS about how her toadies managed to delay, divert, and otherwise screw up the tax-exempt organization applications of any organization with suspiciously subversive names containing the words “Tea Party,” “Patriot,” or “Constitution.”

The lovely and talented Lois testified that she violated no laws, no IRS regulations, and didn’t even tell the congressional committee a pile of lies. Then she took the Fifth, refusing to say anything else. The expert cross-examiners among the Republican committee members said, “Um, ok,” answering Casey Stengel’s ultimate question — “Can’t anybody here play this game?” — in the negative.

The aforementioned Anthony Weiner made it official that he would run for mayor of Noo Yawk, prompting one interviewer to ask him if his “creepy” past behavior was an indication of things to come. Journalists around the world searched their memories and archives for the last time the word “creepy” was used in reporting a political interview and concluded that it hadn’t been used since Bubba claimed to not have had sex with Monica.

In what may have been another ad for Weiner’s campaign former Microsoft big Jamen Shively — accompanied, of course, by former Mexican Prez Vicente Fox — announced that he was going to invest millions in an effort to create the first well-known brand of marijuana in the U.S. The brand name is yet to be announced. “Kool, Dude” and “Pell Mell” are reportedly on the short list.

JUNE began with those fun-loving Muslims in Indonesia banning Miss World 2013 pageant contestants from wearing bikinis, lest they offend the profit, or some such. In an apparently unrelated event, four Israeli soldiers of the distaff variety were supposed to be punished for posting Facebook photos of themselves wearing nothing but guns and thongs. Fortunately, cooler heads prevailed. The babes were all promoted to brevet colonel and assigned as psychological warfare officers in the Golan Heights. Their success in destroying the morale of al Qaeda and Hezb0llah terrorists is now legendary. Intelligence reports attribute their success to the fact that said terrorists, in fulfillment of some obscure religious duty, usually marry their first cousins.

Mr. Edward Snowden, an employee of an NSA contractor, absconded with a laptop containing a huge variety of top secret information. Among other things, Snowden leaked documents showing that we had been spying on our EU pals, which proved shockingly severe mismanagement at NSA. No one in the intelligence community could figure out why anyone at NSA would believe anything said by an EU official could possibly be of interest to anybody.

Mr. Eliot Spitzer, crawling out from under either a rock or Anthony Weiner’s cell phone, announced that his candidacy for the comptrollership of New York City. Polls consistently reported that both Spitzer and Weiner were leading in their respective races.

By the time JULY rolled around, the city of Detroit declared bankruptcy. The city’s assets were determined to include the original Howdy Doody marionette, which city mismanagers immediately said would not be sold to help meet the municipality’s debts. One sage described the Detroit city government as a parasite that outgrew its host.

On a happier note, the UN designated November 19 as “World Toilet Day,” in celebration (or was it protest?) of the fact that some 1.1 billion people are forced to defecate in the open and 2.5 billion lacked proper facilities. On World Toilet Day, another failure of our public education system tried to rob a gun store in Hillsboro, Oregon, while armed only with a baseball bat. When the store manager pointed a large-caliber handgun at him, the would-be robber was thus elevated, at least for the moment, to the title of the word’s dumbest crook. The perp’s name wasn’t released at the request of his former teachers.

And on July 22, we had proof that God loves talk radio. If He didn’t, He wouldn’t have given us Anthony Weiner. Weiner — with wife Huma Abedin in tow — held a press conference to confirm his Twitter-oriented perversion. Seems that Weiner had sent more lewd texts to women after resigning from Congress and proclaiming himself cured of the habit.

The only important part of the show was Abedin’s performance. In apparent confusion, she alternately glared at Weiner (reflecting the obvious fact that he is a complete schmuck) and looked at him with adoration in her eyes. Abedin had obviously benefitted from Hillary Clinton’s mentoring. (Huma served as traveling chief of staff during the 2008 primary campaign and as a top advisor to Clinton in the State Department, drawing a huge salary while doing no work). The only thing missing from Abedin’s performance was a claim that a vast right-wing conspiracy was after her husband.

But Abedin’s performance fell flat. Weiner is caught red-handed: Bubba never admitted wrongdoing even when so situated. And Weiner hasn’t mastered the quavering voice or the trembling upper lip. In short, because he ain’t no Bubba, Abedin can’t be the next Hillary.

AUGUST kicked off with the importation of classic Spanish idiocy. The famous running of the bulls in Pamplona has inspired some Americans to emulate those whose most fervent dream is to be gored, stomped and kicked by hamburger on the hoof. Two “runnings” were announced for the States, one in Richmond, Virginia, and the other in Conyers, Georgia. A total of about 7,000 morons were expected to participate.

It was a very hot month, especially for Maj. Nidal Hasan and Chelsea Manning. Despite the judge’s warnings, Hasan chose to defend himself and was convicted of 13 counts of first-degree murder and 32 counts of attempted murder in the Fort Hood shootings, which sentence he promised not to appeal. Naturally, his death sentence caused a lot of consternation in certain parts of the military. After the entire Marine Corps volunteered to serve on the firing squad, Pentagon officials stalled the execution until they could determine how many of each of the four (or are they up to five?) genders, 179 ethnic groups and however many racial minorities had to be given an opportunity to pull a trigger. Sen. Barbara Boxer (D-CA) demanded an all-female firing squad, insisting that anything else would be proof of the military glass ceiling that bars women from the best assignments.

Chelsea — née Pfc. Bradley — Manning was given the too-light sentence of 35 years in the slammer for leaking hundreds of thousands of classified documents to Wikileaks. Bradley, er, Chelsea, decided that he/she/it wanted to continue life as a woman. Chuckie Hagel’s Pentagon didn’t know if it had to pay for hormone treatments and “gender reassignment” surgery, but cutie Kathy Sebelius assured Hagel that Obamacare would pay for it and any repeats necessitated by Chelsea/Bradley deciding to switch-hit again.

The Farmers’ Almanac forecasted a bitterly cold winter for 2013-2014. An incensed Al Gore blamed the coming extreme weather on global warming.

The month ended with the plight of Konstantin Altunin, a Russian artist who dared to render a painting showing Bad Vlad Putin in a négligée and another of Medvedev in a bra and panties, both doing something called “twerking.” He was last seen being dragged off to Siberia dressed as he portrayed Putin in the now-famous painting.

SEPTEMBER opened with a Senate hearing on Obama’s plan to bomb Syria. The debate was so intense that Sen. John McClown (WhackoBird-AZ) was observed to be playing video poker on his iPhone during the session. The day after the hearing Agence France-Presse, foolishly seeking to separate appearance from substance, felt compelled to withdraw a photo of socialist President Hollande because, as reported by the Times of London, “he looked like a village idiot.” AFP editors explained that there was no need to remove any photos of McCain because their criteria for removing the Hollande photo judged how he looked, not what he said.

As September dragged on it became clear that Obama couldn’t get enough congressional accomplices to back his plan to hit Assad with a military attack despite the Assad’s having crossed Obama’s “red line” on the use of chemical weapons. At that point, Obama cast himself in a new role, that of Agent 86, saying “Would you believe I didn’t draw a ‘red line’ on Syria, the world did?” The “red line,” explained Obama, was an environmental phenomenon caused by global warming.

Chief of Staff Gen. Mark Welsh confessed to another outrageous provocation of Iran by the Great Satan Air Force. Gen. Welsh reported that several Iranian fighter jets tried to intercept a U.S. drone in international airspace in March. However, a lone F-22 Raptor piloted by Lt. Col. Kevin “Showtime” Sutterfield got there first.

The F-22 is pretty much invisible to radar, can turn on a dime and cruise leisurely at supersonic speed. Anyhow, “Showtime” slid up behind the Iranians unseen, flew underneath them to determine what bombs or missiles they were carrying, and then pulled up alongside. Knowing that English is the universal language of aviation, Showtime tuned to the “guard” channel and told the Iranians that they “really ought to go home.” Kicking in their afterburners, they did so at high speed, reflecting their immediate need for clean underwear.

“Showtime” was chastised by Defense Secretary Hagel, who condemned him for exhibiting what Hagel called a “disgraceful warrior spirit.” The Air Force was so angry with Sutterfield that it threatened him with immediate promotion to general. (Remind me again: why did we cancel the awesome F-22 in favor of the F-35 POS? To borrow a little Navy lingo, Bravo Zulu, Showtime.)

Hillary Clinton put her foot down with (on?) Huma Abedin. Mizz Clinton informed Huma that if she wanted her customary place on Hillary’s campaign bus for the 2016 season, Huma would have to drop poor old Anthony Weiner. Huma agreed to do so as soon as Hillary dropped Bubba. Kim Jong Eun Deaux Trois celebrated Weiner’s performance by having one uncle and three aunts beheaded.

Denmark was proclaimed the world’s happiest nation according to a University of British Columbia prof and something called the “World Happiness Report.” The prof said that this was based on six factors including bicycle usage and a universal healthcare system. Further investigation revealed that the report was right but for the wrong reasons. The reasons Danes are so happy is that every Dane has at least two cell phones, almost nobody watches television and the population’s French segment is almost too small to measure.

Much to our surprise, Ted Cruz and his sidekick Mike Lee proved that there are still a couple of conservatives in the U.S. Senate. Cruz’s 21-hour filibuster on Obamacare was highlighted by his reading of Dr. Seuss’s “Green Eggs and Ham” to his kids, who were watching on TV. That reading was doubly significant. First, it was the most sensible text to have been recited on the Senate floor in decades. Second, it was so compelling that Sen. John McClown threw another temper tantrum and demanded that he be given enough time to rebut Cruz by reading “The Grinch Who Stole Christmas,” which he insists is a flattering biography of himself.

September ended with New York Giants fans appearing at one game wearing paper bags over their heads, and a small part of the federal government closing. Neither the Giants nor the closure was worth watching.

OCTOBER began with President Obama’s suggestion that the Washington Redskins change their name to something that wasn’t insulting to anyone. Redskins’ owner Dan Snyder refused, earning him a call from Obama in which the president threatened Snyder with UN sanctions for crossing a “redskin” line. The UN sanction would have imposed a tax on beer that could raise the price of a stadium-bought brew to $75 (from the current $72.50). Snyder abruptly reversed himself, reportedly considering new team names such as the “Washington Entitlements” and the “Washington Miasmas.”

Snyder would be wiser to follow my wife’s suggestion. To save money, the name could be kept but the logo replaced so that the Washington Redskins would be a variety of potatoes and nicknamed “the Spuds.” The song would remain almost the same and the new mascot could be Mr. Potato Head, who would look a lot like Mike Shanahan.

On its debut, the Obamacare website went kablooey when a huge unexpected volume of traffic, consisting of three people in different states, tried to log on. Healthcaregruppenführer Sebelius told Congress that it was all her fault and that Obama had no idea what was going on, which people interpreted in different ways. The president kept saying, “If you like your health plan, you can keep your health plan,” despite the fact that everyone in the country — except Harry Reid’s staff — lost their health insurance. Sebelius later asked Kim Jong Toon to sacrifice one of his uncles to appease the software gods and help fix the Obamacare website. Kim refused, claiming he had run out of uncles, but he agreed to execute Dennis Rodman instead.

PMSNBC President Phil Griffin tried to cause an uproar by demanding an investigation into cable news ratings. He was upset when Fox News debuted Megyn Kelly’s new show and buried liberal screecher Rachel Maddow who ran in the same time slot. Phil, baby, get a grip. Fox is running a gorgeous, brilliant, conservative lawyer against a mannish lesbian liberal idiot with an ideologically-limited vocabulary. And you think some crook is skewing the ratings? Seriously?

By mid-month we learned that our pals at the Transportation Stupidity Agency were using airport loudspeakers to warn travelers at airports that they faced arrest if they made jokes about security. (What’s the difference between a TSA passenger molester and a gorilla? You don’t pay $500,000 to train a gorilla. How many TSA guys does it take to change a light bulb? When they figure out how to do it, we’ll get back to you…) Arguably, TSA is making so great a joke of itself that there’s nothing much to add. Catch a terrorist yet, boys and girls? I thought not.

October ended with the dedication of a bust of Winston Churchill in the House Gallery by Speaker Boehner, best known for his orange suntan and steadfast opposition to opposing anything Obama wants. The bust reportedly wept when Boehner spoke.

In early NOVEMBER the Obamacare website was taken offline for repairs after a team of experts from Google, Yahoo, and Java decided to work on it, their salaries being added to the $500 million cost of the website. The president was still unaware of the problems, but Dem leaders insisted that the law be amended so that every doctor would have to accept Medicare patients. Graphic artist Dan McCall began selling a t-shirt with a version of the NSA seal on it that said, “NSA: The Only Part of the Government that Listens.” New Yorkers made some Californians very happy by electing Überliberal Bill de Blasio mayor, thereby making California’s Gov. Moonbeam look good in comparison.

UN Ambassadress Samantha Power oohed and ahhed at a UN ceremony because she’d been able to stand backstage and engage in twerking with Jane Fonda. Power said it was a life-changing event for her. Fonda’s 1972 appearance on a North Vietnamese antiaircraft gun was certainly the same sort of event for those whose stay at the Hanoi Hilton coincided with Fonda’s timing. (No, we never forget and we never forgive.)

Secretary of State Vichy John Kerry — in Saudi Arabia to try to make amends for Obama’s diplo-dunce dance on Syria — felt obliged to join the Saudis’ war against women. When asked by a reporter about whether Saudi Arabia should let women drive, Kerry said it was a question best left to the Saudis to decide. Nancy Pelosi was preparing a bill of impeachment against Kerry, but changed her mind when her staff told her she’d have to get it passed before she found out what was in it.

Tesla Motors was so proud to announce it was profitable that it forgot to mention the profit was due to $68 million in tax credits “earned” under California’s “let’s-be-dumber-than-Europe” tax scam to promote “green jobs.” Then three of the expensive Teslas burst into flames during accidents within the span of six weeks. Chief Executive Rent-Seeker Elon Musk — an Obama campaign bundler — is trying to differentiate among the “crash and burn” jokes to tell which talk about his car and which forecast his company’s stock price.

Any doubts that Hillary was running for president in 2016 were finally resolved when Bubba attacked Obama, saying the president should keep his promise to let Americans keep their health insurance. The Washington Post promptly pointed out that Clinton’s comments were unhelpful to Obama, obviously missing the point. Corpus Christie, weighing in at about 350 pounds, revealed that he’d had “lap band” surgery on his stomach to curb his appetite. Bill Clinton, having misheard Corpus, immediately signed up for lap dance surgery but was told that there was no cure for his condition.

Just before Turkey Day, Defense Secretary Chuckie Hagel announced a new arctic strategy designed to fight global warming and to, “…enhance our cold-weather operational experience, and strengthen our military-to-military ties with other Arctic nations.” When someone asked Hagel if the heat generated by troops and equipment wouldn’t damage the environment and increase the number of homeless polar bears, he answered, “Um, well, ahhh…” Kim Jong Eun Toon declared a battalion of men honorary uncles, stripped three of them down to their underwear and sent them to the Arctic to claim it for North Korea, but they froze to death before they could plant the NK flag on an the ice.

DECEMBER began with the welcome news that Corpus Christie wouldn’t oppose Gov. Andrew Cuomo’s re-election in New York. Following on to Corpus’s performance with Obama in the waning days of the 2012 campaign, this should prove — even to Republicans — that Corpus would be just as good a presidential candidate as John McCain and Mitt Romney were.

Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos’s announced that his company would henceforth deliver packages weighing five pounds or less by small drone aircraft. In a videotape filmed in a luxurious Pakistani resort, al Qaeda big Ayman al-Zawahiri attempted to condemn Bezos’s plan but was laughing too hard to read his script. CIA analysts later said that Zawahiri tried to assure the American people that his organization would never hijack Amazon’s drones or manufacture imitations to deliver bombs, anthrax or anything harmful.

AARP condemned the plan, saying that the incessant buzzing noise from the drones would drive every American over 50 completely nuts. Amazon assured us that the drones wouldn’t stampede cattle, run cars off the road or otherwise be a complete nuisance because Amazon is hiring highly-skilled minimum-wage pilots. In an unrelated event, we received an email informing us that the Postal Service is raising the price of a first-class stamp to 49 cents.

News from a University of Pennsylvania study confirmed that men’s and women’s brains are hard-wired differently to prevent men from ever needing to stop to ask directions. Professor Ragini Vermiform proclaimed a new brain-scanning technique called “connectome” that maps the way parts of the brain are physically connected to each other. According to the professor, men are hard wired to be better at spatial skills such as map reading and motor skills, and women are hard wired for “social cognition” which means empathy and “emotional intelligence.” What that means, guys, is that you should never stop for directions again unless your wife tells you to.

Greenpeace’s published a video in which Santa Claus canceled Christmas because global warming caused conditions at the North Pole to be intolerable. At the same time, a report from AP report said that a new all-time low temperature of -135.8 degrees Fahrenheit was recorded in Antarctica. Santa announced plans to move his workshop to the South Pole if he could get the relevant environmental permits. If that fails, he’ll undoubtedly move to the Israeli section of Jerusalem, where three feet of snow arrived two weeks too early for a white Christmas.

After twerking with Sen. Patty Murray, Cong. Paul Ryan negotiated a two-year budget deal which passed the House after Ryan apparently neglected to tell members that it would raise the national debt by $7 trillion over ten years. Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, seeking Dem votes to help Ryan, told her members that the deal wasn’t very good but that they should “embrace the suck.” To which former President Clinton replied, “I swore off that after Chelsea was born.” Speaker Boehner eagerly followed Pelosi’s advice, telling conservatives to do something to themselves that echoed what he’d told Harry Reid to do about a year ago. Senate Republicans promised to filibuster the Ryan bill until they figured out it would interfere with their Christmas shopping.

As December ended, two events caused an American political revolution. The first was A&E’s suspension of “Duck Dynasty” star Phil Robertson for speaking his mind about homosexuals. The second was a national poll taken right after the television network’s actions. A joint project of Rasmussen, Pew, and Public Policy Polling, the results of the poll resulted in an overhaul of both parties’ primary schedules for 2016.

The poll showed voter support for Hillary Clinton, 3.2%; Corpus Christie, 1.9%; Rick Perry, 0.05%; Phil Robertson, 78%; Willie Robertson, 12.5%, and Kay Robertson, 4.35%. Announcements by both parties canceled the Iowa caucuses as well as the New Hampshire and South Carolina primaries. Instead, the 2016 Republican and Democratic primaries will be held in Monroe, Louisiana on Super Tuesday, February 22, after duck hunting hours.

2014 will be the year of Corpus Christie. So, please ignore Nancy Pelosi’s admonition and, despite it all, have a Happy New Year.

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About the Author
Jed Babbin served as a Deputy Undersecretary of Defense under George H.W. Bush. He is the author of several bestselling books including Inside the Asylum and In the Words of Our Enemies. You can follow him on Twitter @jedbabbin.